Broken

I had a conversation with a friend recently, we talked about our different struggles with fertility. I cannot conceive and she can. I know, your minds are whirling with thoughts of, "If she can conceive, then she's not infertile". WRONG! You see, while she has seen the plus sign or two lines or the word "pregnant" on a pregnancy test, she hasn't held a brand new baby from her body. In that way we are the same. She has had the heartbreak of multiple miscarriages. During our conversation, she explained to me our bond, WE'RE BROKEN.
I am broken because of a doctor's scalpel that saved my life at the age of ten. She is broken by genetics. Neither of us can look at the other and say, "I have it harder" or "you have it harder". We don't even try. Its invalid to our lives.
What is valid is our friendship and our journey. We travel this road side-by-side. We rejoice with every triumph, we discuss options and specialists, and we have cried together at every "failure".
At the same time that we recognize our brokenness, we also see strength. We are each wonderful wives, great mothers, and best friends. Brokenness does not define us, but it is part of what makes us stronger.

Being A Foster/Adoptive Mommy: Transitions

While being a foster parent, we had five children come and go as temporary placements. I can tell you now, that we made mistakes. We also learned from those mistakes. I mentioned before having a placement come the night before leaving for a family visit. In hind sight, we were blessed to have a baby that was so "go with the flow". Now I know to take a day or two with a child to adjust to their new surroundings.

This means cancelling scheduled trips, appointments, and staying home. This first baby was plunged into my extended family, but he held tight to the only stability he knew at that moment, my husband and I. He refused to sit on others laps if either of us walked in the room. He cried when we left. I should have noticed these things then, but I will say it aloud, I was inexperienced.

The next child had more one on one time with me, however she was an emotional wreck when I left her with my husband while I went to work two nights later. She didn't take to my husband for several days and wouldn't let him near her if I was not home. I took the rest of the week off after I realized this. Within a few weeks, I left my job all together. In part because these babies needed me more than I needed work.

By the third child, I learned that it was imperative that I give the child time to adjust and adapt. We had a play date scheduled that day, and I chose to stay home so that she wasn't jerked about. This was the easiest transition by far. I am sure her personality had something to do with it, but I also know it was because she had time to adjust.

If you chose to foster or adopt, be sure that you take the time off to help the child adjust to your home. Help them adjust to you and let them grieve whatever they have left behind, even if you feel that this is a better situation. That was their stability and this whole process is scary for them. 

Are These ALL Your Kids?

As a foster parent you often get kids of all ages, its really by divine intervention the children you get and when you get them. We have had multiple placements from multiple families on a few occasions, and this is the question that I get a lot. It usually follows "What are their ages".

One particular occurance happened when we were blessed to have our son, before he was our son, overnight in addition to our foster child. We had received a midnight call for an additional foster child, "Just until Monday". So our home had grown by one. We had family in town this same weekend, and had to get out of the house. See, there were four adults and five children (ages six to one) in our 900 square foot condo, we needed a break.

We walked down to the park to play. While there another family was also playing with their toddler at the same time. The dad asked the, "What are their ages" question, and we could see the wheels turning when we responded. He was doing the math...9 month gestation for each child...it didn't add up, as there was 12 months between the youngest and oldest.

I explained that none of them were "ours" genetically, but our foster children. Which didn't make the situation any more bearable for him. I don't fault him for this. People rarely know how to respond, so typically we just smiled and nodded when we were told that "our" children are beautiful. We do this because they are beautiful. We also do this because we know that we were blessed with "our" children.

You'll also see, I put quotes around "ours" because, in that moment they were ours. Maybe not genetically, and for two of them only for a time, but they were ours to love. Ours to comfort. Ours to nurture. This is our duty, and our responsibility to these kids. In return we are blessed by them ten-fold.  

(Photo taken of our son AFTER our adoption was finalized)

Adoption, Not Just Babies

I apologize for the delay in posting, we as a family are in transition. I read this article today and HAD to share. As you probably already know, I am a BIG ADVOCATE for adoption. There are no words to describe the beauty of it. I realize that not all people want to adopt babies. I have a friend who doesn't want to be awakened at night or deal with diapers. For those people adoption of an older child, namely from Foster Care is a perfect option.
But what happens after adoption, really of any child, is just as important to prepare for as what happens before thy come home. My husband and I are emotionally prepared (as best as we can be) for our child to act out, if he does. We recognize that adoption comes with some challenges. Such as abandonement, development, and even memories of prior abuse. We shouldn't be scared away from loving kids by these things, instead we should prepare for them.
Educate yourself. Seek professional help. Find a support group. These are things that will help your adoption to be successful!
NPR.org » Helping Foster Kids Even After Adoption

When You Least Expect It

 In July of 2009, we had made arrangements to take our Little Buddy home to visit my WHOLE family for the first time. We had our paperwork to leave the state in order, and were counting down the hours until he would be dropped off. I had just one shift left until my Holiday Weekend off from the hotel, and on that Thursday at 3pm I received a call. We were asked to take our first foster baby. They were not sure when the child would come into care. I was told, “it could be today, tomorrow, or a month from now”.

Since there was no definite boundary, I left for work, as my shift started at 4pm. At 3:45pm, I received another call. They had located the child and would be at my home within the half-hour. I arrived at work, arranged for my co-worker to stay late, called my husband, and ran home. The baby was waiting for me with two caseworkers. Within minutes I was handed a baby and a diaper bag. There was an outfit, maybe two, in the bag and enough diapers and formula to get us through the first 24 hours. I now know that this is more than one usually gets with a foster child.

My husband was home by 5pm, and I handed over this confused baby. I left for my shift at work, but was barely able to focus...how could I? In an hour we had become parents!

Remember that we were scheduled to leave for my parents' home the next day? Well, thankfully someone was working late at our Child Welfare office. This angel of a worker stopped at our home at 10pm to drop off the necessary paperwork to show that we were the child's placement and could leave the state with him. The child had been asleep for a few hours by this point, and our Little Buddy had been dropped off hours before so that we could leave first thing in the morning. **First thing, being relative with two infants in our home.  

Livin' on Love, Buyin' on Time

In February of 2009, I had to privilege of introducing this amazing vampire-toothed bundle of joy to my sisters and niece. They had come down for a weekend at the beach, and I had (purposely) double-booked myself with the baby and with them. They immediately fell in love with him, which I knew that they would, and were happy to help me with feeding, changing, and entertaining him. I have many precious photos from that weekend, especially from our walk on the beach, photos that I will cherish forever.

As time wore on, we got to the point where instead of waiting for a call to ask us to babysit, we would call to “borrow the baby”. He was such a joy, that we would make up excuses to have him or to keep him longer than agreed upon. By June we knew that we wanted him, that if he went up for adoption, we had to have him. We thought we would have that answer soon.

In June there was a “permanency hearing” held in regards to him. The name in and of itself, is really deceiving. You would assume that a permanency hearing would decide to future of a child, however in reality the hearing is to ensure that DHS is moving forward (at least in a minimal fashion) and to check on the parents progress in complying with the court's orders. If the parents have done anything then the court can (and often will) extend the amount of time that the parents have to meet the court's requirements. At this point this little boy was 13 months old, and had been with his foster family since he was released from the hospital. By federal mandate, parents of foster children are given 12 months to get it together, or longer if they have made some progress. Since they had made some progress, they were given more time, three months to be exact.

We could wait however. We had our paperwork completed for both adoption and for foster care certification. We had gotten our physicals done, required to adopt any child, to ensure that we were both in good health. And lastly we had our “nursery” set up, complete with a farm-theme! As “expectant parents” went, we were ready...or so we thought.  

I Release You

Today, for whatever reason, a memory came flooding back to me. It was a point when we were young, maybe 23 years old, when I told my husband, "I release you". I don't think on this often, because it was in the midst of my darkest days. The period of my life that I'd just rather forget than remember.
For those of you who aren't familiar with the Bible, there are passages that speak of the joy of having a children. Psalm 127:3-5 says, "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate." I had felt like I was a failure of a wife, how could I hold my husband back from this blessing?
Even though we had no confirmed answer as to why we couldn't have children, I knew then that it wasn't his problem, it was mine. So, out of pity (for him or for me, I couldn't tell you), I told him that he could divorce me to find a wife that could give him a child. He was free to leave.
Thankfully, I am blessed with a wonderful husband, and one who was wise beyond his 23 years. He told me that he had no interest in leaving me. That if we lived childless forever, he would be happy just being my husband.
Now that I am older (nearly a decade!) I can look back on that moment and realize that it doesn't matter how your family is built. Or if you have children at all. What matters is that you, as an individual or a couple, have support. You have someone who loves you, and chooses to stand by you regardless of the circumstances. I pray that you have the same.