I had a conversation with a friend recently, we talked about our different struggles with fertility. I cannot conceive and she can. I know, your minds are whirling with thoughts of, "If she can conceive, then she's not infertile". WRONG! You see, while she has seen the plus sign or two lines or the word "pregnant" on a pregnancy test, she hasn't held a brand new baby from her body. In that way we are the same. She has had the heartbreak of multiple miscarriages. During our conversation, she explained to me our bond, WE'RE BROKEN.
I am broken because of a doctor's scalpel that saved my life at the age of ten. She is broken by genetics. Neither of us can look at the other and say, "I have it harder" or "you have it harder". We don't even try. Its invalid to our lives.
What is valid is our friendship and our journey. We travel this road side-by-side. We rejoice with every triumph, we discuss options and specialists, and we have cried together at every "failure".
At the same time that we recognize our brokenness, we also see strength. We are each wonderful wives, great mothers, and best friends. Brokenness does not define us, but it is part of what makes us stronger.
Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband," says the LORD. Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. Isaiah 54:1 & 4a
Monday, September 24, 2012
Broken
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Being A Foster/Adoptive Mommy: Transitions
While
being a foster parent, we had five children come and go as temporary
placements. I can tell you now, that we made mistakes. We also
learned from those mistakes. I mentioned before having a placement
come the night before leaving for a family visit. In hind sight, we
were blessed to have a baby that was so "go with the flow".
Now I know to take a day or two with a child to adjust to their new
surroundings.
This
means cancelling scheduled trips, appointments, and staying home.
This first baby was plunged into my extended family, but he held
tight to the only stability he knew at that moment, my husband and I.
He refused to sit on others laps if either of us walked in the room.
He cried when we left. I should have noticed these things then, but I
will say it aloud, I was inexperienced.
The
next child had more one on one time with me, however she was an
emotional wreck when I left her with my husband while I went to work
two nights later. She didn't take to my husband for several days and
wouldn't let him near her if I was not home. I took the rest of the
week off after I realized this. Within a few weeks, I left my job all
together. In part because these babies needed me more than I needed
work.
By
the third child, I learned that it was imperative that I give the
child time to adjust and adapt. We had a play date scheduled that
day, and I chose to stay home so that she wasn't jerked about. This
was the easiest transition by far. I am sure her personality had
something to do with it, but I also know it was because she had time
to adjust.
If
you chose to foster or adopt, be sure that you take the time off to
help the child adjust to your home. Help them adjust to you and let
them grieve whatever they have left behind, even if you feel that
this is a better situation. That was their stability and this whole
process is scary for them.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Are These ALL Your Kids?
As
a foster parent you often get kids of all ages, its really by divine
intervention the children you get and when you get them. We have had
multiple placements from multiple families on a few occasions, and
this is the question that I get a lot. It usually follows "What
are their ages".
One
particular occurance happened when we were blessed to have our son,
before he was our son, overnight in addition to our foster child. We
had received a midnight call for an additional foster child, "Just
until Monday". So our home had grown by one. We had family in
town this same weekend, and had to get out of the house. See, there
were four adults and five children (ages six to one) in our 900 square foot condo, we
needed a break.
We
walked down to the park to play. While there another family was also
playing with their toddler at the same time. The dad asked the, "What
are their ages" question, and we could see the wheels turning
when we responded. He was doing the math...9 month gestation for each
child...it didn't add up, as there was 12 months between the youngest
and oldest.
I
explained that none of them were "ours" genetically, but
our foster children. Which didn't make the situation any more
bearable for him. I don't fault him for this. People rarely know how
to respond, so typically we just smiled and nodded when we were told
that "our" children are beautiful. We do this because they
are beautiful. We also do this because we know that we were blessed
with "our" children.
You'll
also see, I put quotes around "ours" because, in that
moment they were ours. Maybe not genetically, and for two of them
only for a time, but they were ours to love. Ours to comfort. Ours to
nurture. This is our duty, and our responsibility to these kids. In
return we are blessed by them ten-fold.
(Photo taken of our son AFTER our adoption was finalized)
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