"Blessed" by Infertility

Roughly a year ago, I had an individual try to use my infertility to challenge my religious beliefs. This is a person who is supposed to be close to me. We grew up together, attended church together, and still to this day see each other regularly at functions. Somewhere along the line we parted denominational lines.

I promise that I will do my best to not CRAM or preach to you on this site, it is for support. It is for education, but I needed to lay this out to give reference to my story. I do not have problems with Atheism, Buddhism, or individuals of the Muslim faith. I believe what I believe and I know where I stand. 

Going back to the title of this post. In a HEATED discussion in an attempt to trap me or sway my beliefs, this individual stated, "So God blessed you with infertility right?" My response was, "Not blessed." This is a natural "in the moment" response. Honestly when I began this post it was in anger and I was going to use this forum to tell that person OFF! But if I stop and think of the blessings I have had through infertility, I cannot help but weep. My marriage is stronger (yes, I know this is not always the case); I have made life-long friendships that I never would have; and I have a BEAUTIFUL son.

I shared with you previously the struggles early in our marriage. My husband shut down, he would see me weeping and leave the room. I now know it was because he hurt and couldn't "fix" me. He had no clue how to handle his own emotions let alone mine. Through infertility we grew. We battled this side by side, and learned how to handle each other in our darkest times. Are we perfect, no. Are we UNIFIED, yes. We became two soldiers, fighting an invisible enemy named "infertility." Often my husband will tell friends, "If we can survive those days, we can survive anything." I believe he is correct.

There have been posts about my friend. The one who has suffered miscarriages, and gone on to adopt not one but (now) FOUR beautiful children. We met through our eldest children's foster mother. She is the one who brought us together, and honestly another close friend who I would never had if not for infertility. Both of these women have shaped me as a wife and mother. They have taught me to fight for children. They have held me as I have sobbed the loss of a foster child. If not for infertility, I would not have the relationship that I have with either woman. I wouldn't know many of you either.

Lastly, and most importantly is my son. Does he make me crazy? YES. Does he test my boundaries? ALL THE TIME. But, he is MINE. Without infertility I couldn't guarantee that I would have him. We planned on adoption, both of us telling our mothers as children that someday we would adopt. It was always the plan to adopt one child, but without infertility would it have been this one? I don't know. Maybe we would have had our four in our early 20s and stopped. I CANNOT IMAGINE NOT BEING HIS MOTHER. He is my biggest blessing that has come from infertility.

You see, I was wrong. I am BLESSED by infertility. Just not in the way that most people would take it. Now, does this post mean that those of you who have never experienced infertility should go pointing out "blessings" as your infertile friends sob? NO. Let them come to these conclusions in their own time, just listen and hold them (emotionally or physically if they want). Does this blot out the error of that individual trying to use my infertility as a tool to convert me to their beliefs? HELL NO! (sorry Mom) No one has that right. NO ONE, and I will say this once (okay, lying I will say it as many times as it takes to get it through people's thick skulls) USING ANOTHER'S PAIN TO PAINT YOUR BELIEFS AS RIGHT IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE. This goes for Christians, Buddhists, Muslims, and Atheists (sorry if I left more than a few religions out).

Mother's Day

I have shared with you before (last year) how Mother's Day used to be hard for me. I know that this is not an experience that I am alone in. Thousands of women wake on Mother's Day in torment. They see and hear a celebration of Motherhood everywhere. It is a constant reminder of their "failure." I call it "their failure" because that is how I felt, I felt like a failure. I can't do the one thing that women are supposed to do and that men cannot do, have babies. I can't give my husband a child that is a combination of us (at least I can't without medical intervention).

However, today is different. Today, I reflect in a different mode. I see my friends who, like us, couldn't conceive and are blessed to be mothers through adoption. I see my friends who have lost children, sisters, and mothers. I see my friends who have chosen to give their babies to another to raise. I see my friends who have lost their spouse, the love of their lives, and are mothering alone. For many of them this is bittersweet. This maybe a day of grief, a reminder of what they do not have. Today I grieve with them.

I do not grieve what I do not have, but I grieve with them. I cry for them, I will laugh with them. I will remember them and maybe you in my prayers. I hope that they (and you) find joy in Mother's Day. Whether it is in celebrating your womanhood, strong women in your life, or remembering your loved ones fondly. I pray that today ends happily for you.

Rant!

Okay, first of all FORGIVE ME! I have been away, well really I have been home and without internet. To say the least the past year has been a year of changes and (I believe) it is about to settle down, or speed up. I HAVE A KINDERGARTNER! Never thought I would be here...seriously, at one point, NEVER. 
But this isn't the purpose of my post. I am here to rant. See, I pin and I facebook (doesn't everyone?). With my facebooking and pinning I follow some adoption, infertility, and parenting stuff. Did you know that facebook follows you? Seriously, post something about bunnies. All of a sudden you'll have ads referring to BUNNIES in your newsfeed. Go ahead, I'll wait while you do this. Back? Okay. I post about being a mom, occasionally about being an adoptive mom, and sometimes about being infertile. Its no secret, I talk about it. This helps me heal and deal. 
Tonight (just less than five minutes ago) while checking my newsfeed I saw an ad talking about how this one woman "healed" herself of infertility and "you can too!" Umm? Excuse me? A one-size-fits-all answer. Okay, I scanned it and the author claims her holistic approach will help you conceive in two months or less. Okay...So you are going to tell me to care for my body and my tubes, which are riddled with scar tissue from an appendectomy are going to magically "open up"? Yeah, I am skeptical. 
I am not going to say it doesn't work, honestly I just scanned it. But I am a touch doubtful. I have tried holistic. I did accupuncture, and am thinking of doing it again. If not for the benefits of pregnancy, for the benefits of relaxation. (Did I ever tell you about the time I left the accupuncture office and ended up at the grocery store unsure how I got there???) AMAZING. 
I guess what I am tired of (and maybe this person isn't doing this, maybe it really works) is people taking advantage of those of us who are hurting. Giving false reassurances. The televangelist asking for money to pray for and heal you. The diet pill that will make you look like a super model. Maybe I am cynical, but I just.don't.buy.it. 
Yes I pray. I beg for another child. But in the next breath I am thankful for the beautiful son we have. I recognize that even if he is our ONLY, he has an amazing extended family of cousins to grow up with. I want a baby, I still take prenatals. I pin baby-related items. I have a board for "if we have a little girl". I track my ovulation. And in a future post (I promise soon) I will tell you about our most recent attempt at having a baby. I just don't want empty promises. Like I said, I've not researched it, but it smells of "snake oil". Maybe my lesson is to research better but like I said, I am tired of "quick fixes". 

When Does it Get Easier?

I have been asked this question time and again...I thought I knew the answer, it gets easier with time and (for me) a proper diagnosis. However, lately with a surge of Holiday Pregnancy Posts on Facebook and Twitter I find myself with a twinge of jealousy. Please don't take this wrong, I rejoice with every friend who posts about their beautiful little blessing. I celebrate with them all, because lets be honest  PREGNANCY IS A MIRACLE. 
I have friends who have come to me in the past couple of years and admitted their struggle with conception, and I can HAPPILY say that they have nearly ALL conceived as of this point. Some took SEVERAL years, some a year, and others six months. Each had the same reality I have, the same fears, and the same level of jealousy over others announcements. In that way, we are all sisters.
Recently I joined a page on Facebook called RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association. Through this page I have seen several posts asking about coping with infertility. Today, they asked "What ways can you help make the journey easier for the next person diagnosed with infertility?" This struck me today, so much so that I am OUT of bed at 1am typing this.
 I want to be honest with you. I am not healed 100%. I have MANY good days and a few bad days. Yes, it gets better. I do still sob uncontrollably when my hopes have been dashed (whether it is after missing a period for 30 days, which I did two months ago (darned medication and stress) or its not being able to adopt again for a while (another post for another day)). Thankfully, I have moved on from being immobilized to my bed for 24 hours at a time (but who knows, that may just happen to me again next week).
What I am doing is living. I have a husband who supports me. Who may have left me by now if he were a weaker man, but is strong enough to hold me as I fall apart. I have a beautiful little boy through the miracle of adoption. They both need me to live. They need me to support them as much as they support me. They need me to love them as much as they love me.
What I am getting around to saying is that it is OKAY TO BE JEALOUS. It's okay to cry. It's okay to grieve. These are normal and natural responses to infertility and will not go away over night. What is NOT OKAY is to wallow in it for as long as I did. I know that I lost a few years in my grief, gone, poof! We must all learn to LIVE. We must all learn to SUPPORT. We must all learn to LOVE. We must all learn to be HAPPY. We must all learn to CELEBRATE. And yes, I believe we must all have FAITH.
These are things that make us human and these are things that carry us on.

"Dream until your dream comes true."

-Aerosmith 

A Day of Highs and Lows

 March 1, 2010 was a rather emotional day for us. This was the day that we got our call confirming that we would be adopting our son. That he would be joining us forever in a matter of days (technically a week). We finally got our gift. The child that we desired for so long. We were going to be a FOREVER FAMILY. See this was the high of the day. The ray of sunshine on a day that was also filled with grief.
 As I have mentioned, we have LOVED every child that has been in our home. This was also the day we said good-bye to our first foster baby. He left our home to be reunited with a relative. A couple who truly love him. A couple who cares for him 100% and gives him everything a little boy needs.
 We packed him into the agency van and said good-bye. I wish we had done this differently. We should have taken him to the office ourselves, met his family, shared with them face-to-face, and said our good-byes. Instead a van came to our home, we loaded his belongings, placed him in a car seat, and kissed him good-bye. I had already e-mailed them his schedule, his likes/dislikes, and the signs he used to communicate with us so that they would be prepared for his arrival. What I wasn't prepared for was his face. I will never forget his face as he realized all his belongings were with him in that van. The look of confusion and hurt. I couldn't handle being with him. I ran. I sobbed. I grieved the loss of him.
  As much as I resent the agency for screwing up what should have been the most joyful moment of my life, I am also thankful. As I mentioned our son came home within a few days (we had a planned "respite" visit for him with us). I redecorated the nursery, set up a toddler bed (we agreed with his foster family to transition him to a bed during the transition to our home to make it less painful). We were able to essentially fill our home with our child and focus 100% on him. In hindsight, I see a blessing in disguise.
  I still miss our first baby. He is special and he is being raised by special people who share stories, updates, and photos with us. In turn, I share stories back about our son. Who is also special, and the best gift we've ever gotten.

The Blessings of Being Foster Parents

There is so much good that I can say about our experience as foster parents. We had five beautiful infants and children. They ranged in age from two weeks to two years when they arrived with us. They were each special, and each face is framed in a collage frame on our bedroom wall so that we can pray for them nightly.  

We have fun memories of taking them for their first swim, their first 18 hour road-trip (okay for some this was NOT fun, but still fond memories), first plane ride, first train ride, first vacation, first words, first steps, and first birthdays. One we have his photo of the trip home from the hospital. Another his first time seeing a horse. I have fond memories of a pretty little girl who enthusiastically yelled “YES!” and headed to the door when I asked if she wanted to go shopping. This same princess also picked out her own clothes, I have yet to mother another with such distinct style opinions. I also have pictures of first black-eyes and stitches (thanks to our son and a die-cast train).

These children conditioned and trained us as new parents. They gave us experiences that we might not have had otherwise, like the joy of waking several times a night to feed a newborn or the time you rush in at 2am to lift a crying 15 month old from a crib and have him vomit down your back only to realize he also vomited in his crib. Or the baby who climbs EVERYTHING, who requires you to be in the hallway to remind him to go to bed and not climb out of his crib. I also practiced my pig-tail and braid skills on a couple of princesses.

You see these are unique experiences that we did not have with our son. Things that we would have “missed out on” had we not fostered. Don't misunderstand, we have just as many (probably more) beautiful memories with our son, and so many more to come.

Each was a true blessing to our family, and these stories represent just a fraction of the joy they brought to our lives. Yes, loving kids was the best part of being foster parents. I cannot complain even a moment about them, they were all a gift. I would never trade these memories, or my time with these kids, not for anything.  

What Can I Do?

There is an ad campaign here in the Northwest, a local mattress store holds regular drives for supplies for foster kids. Before school starts they collect school supplies, in the fall they collect winter coats, and year-round they are bringing awareness. Their tag line is "Not everyone can be a foster parent, but anyone can help a foster child." I want to second that statement. ANYONE can help a foster child.
I regularly get questions about how to do this. I want to address that here. Get involved on some level. If you know a foster parent, babysit for them. Take their kids for an evening. You don't know how much this means to them, especially if their kids have special needs, which all foster kids do, that require extra care.
Second, if you have more time sign up to be a respite provider for foster kids. Contact your local DHS office or Children's Services office to learn how to do this. It might require classes, a background check, and finger printing, or it might require less than this. This enables you to care for foster kids overnight or for the weekend. Even though we no longer take placements, I still take babies/toddlers for respite when I am able to. There are very few people a foster family can leave their kids with overnight, become one of those people/families. You never know, you might fall in love...which is how we ended up adopting our son.
Third, you can become a CASA volunteer. A Court Appointed Special Advocate, is someone who is unbiased to either the parent's agenda or the agencies agenda. Their responsibility is to review the case and advocate for the best interests of the child. They work closely with the child's lawyer, case worker, foster parents, and most importantly THE CHILD to figure out what is best for the child. This requires you to attend all family meetings at DHS, visit the child, attend all court hearings, and remain in contact with all who are involved.
Lastly, look into your local Child Welfare laws and advocate for them to be better enforced or changed if need be. If you look at our government and how they allot time for issues, they often focus on those who can vote or those who can support their campaigns (just my humble opinion), which means that children are ignored. Our children are our future and without changes in our system, these children face a very uncertain future. 50% of foster children DO NOT graduate high school and only 3% earn a college degree. WE as a nation need to advocate for better for OUR kids.
"It takes a village to raise a child." Can you help to become that village?

http://www.childwelfare.gov/
http://www.casaforchildren.org/

A Letter to Our Son: Two Years

Dear Son,

Two years ago today, I received an amazing call. Our adoption worker called to tell me that our adoption had been finalized. You would be our son forever. I can't begin to tell you how happy this made us. See, we have dreamed of the day of having our own child for years, 10 years to be exact. To have someone to love, spoil, and leave a legacy behind to. I know we tell you this daily, but YOU are special.

Not going to lie, we have had our ups and downs. You are a "normal" toddler. You squeal, scream, and push buttons. You are hard-headed like your momma, and fearless like your daddy. The combination of the two is sometimes VERY scary. Like the time you tried to climb over the edge of the slide halfway down, and five feet in the air! Or the time you tried to go up the ladder, across the platform, and swing out over the slide all BACKWARDS! But we have survived.

We have succeeded at loving and spoiling you. I don't know many boys who have as many matchbox cars or Thomas Trains as you have. Don't get me started in on your collection of DVDs. But more than physical possessions, you are spoiled with love (if that is possible). You can climb into our laps at anytime. You get to talk to daddy uninterupted every night, and have a short-order cook at your disposal every day.

There are some things that we hope for you for the future. We hope that we as parents can guide you to be loving. You are naturally good-natured, and accepting of everyone, our prayer is that this never leaves you. We want you to be successful in whatever you do. Last week you told us that you want to be a dentist and last night you told us that you want to work on the wires with Daddy. Your love for building makes us think you might just do that, or be an engineer or carpenter. Whatever you do, we pray that you succeed and are happy. Lastly, we want you to love learning. Whether it is learning more about God, the world, your line of work, or your hobbies. Never quit thirsting for knowledge.

Two years has taught us so much. It has caused us to grow as a family. We cannot wait to see how you grow, who you become, and how you succeed. We know that there will be failures, we will be here for you, and love you no matter what. Our Dear Son, always remember, YOU are SPECIAL.

Love,

Momma and Daddy

I didn't give you the gift of life,

but in my heart I know.

The love I feel is deep and real,

as if it had been so.

For us to have each other,

is like a dream come true.

No, I didn't give you the gift of life,

life gave me the gift of you.

-Author Unknown

When You Least Expect It

 In July of 2009, we had made arrangements to take our Little Buddy home to visit my WHOLE family for the first time. We had our paperwork to leave the state in order, and were counting down the hours until he would be dropped off. I had just one shift left until my Holiday Weekend off from the hotel, and on that Thursday at 3pm I received a call. We were asked to take our first foster baby. They were not sure when the child would come into care. I was told, “it could be today, tomorrow, or a month from now”.

Since there was no definite boundary, I left for work, as my shift started at 4pm. At 3:45pm, I received another call. They had located the child and would be at my home within the half-hour. I arrived at work, arranged for my co-worker to stay late, called my husband, and ran home. The baby was waiting for me with two caseworkers. Within minutes I was handed a baby and a diaper bag. There was an outfit, maybe two, in the bag and enough diapers and formula to get us through the first 24 hours. I now know that this is more than one usually gets with a foster child.

My husband was home by 5pm, and I handed over this confused baby. I left for my shift at work, but was barely able to focus...how could I? In an hour we had become parents!

Remember that we were scheduled to leave for my parents' home the next day? Well, thankfully someone was working late at our Child Welfare office. This angel of a worker stopped at our home at 10pm to drop off the necessary paperwork to show that we were the child's placement and could leave the state with him. The child had been asleep for a few hours by this point, and our Little Buddy had been dropped off hours before so that we could leave first thing in the morning. **First thing, being relative with two infants in our home.  

Mother's Day

We all know it, Mother's Day is a cliche "Greeting Card Holiday" but when you are infertile, it is so much more. You wake knowing that today is the day that others celebrate what you can't have. You go to church and watch ALL the mothers being called forward, and cry inwardly because very few know your story. Then you spend the rest of the day either trying to forget its Mother's Day by doing something fun (which really is impossible as strangers from the waitress at the restaurant to the girl at the perfume counter all ask remind you), or in the fetal position on your bed sobbing. I have done both, neither really works.
Now I am a Mom, and honestly other than the presents (public THANK YOU for the Pioneer Woman Cookbook to my son), today will go on like any other day. I woke up, made my coffee, and set out my son's breakfast. I took him potty, helped him take his nighttime pull-up off, and assisted him in washing his hands. I selected today's wardrobe, dressed him, and brushed his hair. Later I will cook, do dishes, and HOPEFULLY weed what will be my flower beds. The only difference for me is that today I will remember why I do these things.
Today I will remind myself that as little as three years ago, I cried because I couldn't do them. As you know, I don't claim perfection, I am a wreck. So often I forget why I do these things. I admittedly sleep in too late, spend too much time on facebook, and really despise working in my yard, but today I chose to celebrate my son. Really, isn't that what being a Mother is all about?

Sometimes Commercials Make Me Cry

So today, I was babysitting a friends three miracles along with my own son. See all four children are blessings to our families through adoption, and while I was sitting with the kids in the living room a *Pampers* commercial came on. Maybe you have seen this commercial, it is roughly a full minute in length and talks about babies as miracles. There are no spoken words, just written statements, but the impact was so great that I started to weep. For me, my son is a blessing that far outweighs the value of oil in the Middle East or diamonds in Africa. Do I remember this when he is having a temper tantrum in a department store and I have to carry him out SCREAMING and KICKING? I would lie if I claim to have walked out with a smile on my face announcing to the world, "THIS IS MY BLESSING!" I get frustrated, I sometimes raise my voice, and occasionally do or say something that I later regret (and have to apologize to him for). I am human. Tonight, I at 7:30pm I had a rare opportunity. It was roughly a half hour before bedtime and instead of jumping on facebook, I decided to snuggle my boy. We read five books, laid on his twin bed together, and bonded. This is my miracle. I know this to be true, and I need to take more time to be with him. I am posting about this commercial so that you can cry with me. I hope that it reminds you the next time you see that mom, (maybe its me) leaving a department store with a screaming toddler, to appreciate the miracle...but don't tell her that in the moment. Or that it will remind you to hug your children tighter, and appreciate their breaths. They are miraculous.
 **I do not own this commercial, nor was I paid in any way to do this, but what company doesn't love FREE ADVERTISING**

*Pampers*

Hi, My Name is Karen and I am Infertile

Seriously, I am. But you already knew that. I was silent, but you knew that too. What I am learning to be is a listener. Honestly, this is what I feel that I am being taught. Since beginning this documentation, this blog of my life that I have lived for the past dozen years, I have been learning to not only share, but to listen. This is what I've heard, this is an epidemic. Men, women, and couples everywhere are struggling with this. I get misty-eyed just considering the number of people who have approached me in the past year asking for advice and direction. Questions ranging from, "Does it get easier?" to "How do I begin the adoption process?" to "Who did you see as a fertility specialist?" Often I am blessed to hear their story or the story of their loved one. I say "blessed" because when someone opens up and talks about their infertility story I do not take that lightly. I think back to the women who I shared the secrets of our battle with and consider what they did that made it so easy to essentially dump such a heavy topic on them, and what I continually come back to is the fact that they listened. They didn't talk or give suggestions, they were quiet and let me vent. When that was over, they prayed for me, hugged me, and told me that they loved me. Now its my turn and I am trying to do the same. I will pray for you, listen, cyber-hug, and love you. This is how I picture a meeting for addicts (sorry, my reference is limited to what I see depicted in Hollywood). "Hi, My name is Karen and I am infertile." I see a group of people who accept me. Even if they haven't walked the same path, they empathize. They listen to my story, in its entirety. Finally they don't judge me as the "crazy-woman" (that honestly, I know I am). This is what I desire for all of us. Whether its in infertility, divorce, death, or depression. Be there for that person, listen, hug them, and let them know that they are loved. This is my #1 advice to man-kind. I am so blessed to have a loving family (in-laws included), wonderful friends, and a very understanding husband.

A Bit of Your Heart

I apologize for occasionally "skipping around" in our story, but today my heart is heavy with a concept that few understand. I have been told before, when my heart is aching for foster children who have left my home, that "This is what you signed up for". And while that statement is true, it doesn't make it easier.
My husband and I have been foster parents for nearly three years and while time helps bring acceptance, you never truly heal from the pain of having a child that you truly love leave your home. This last week has been especially difficult for me as two of "my" babies have been ill or had medical procedures done. You see while they are not legally mine, and not biologically born of my body, they still embody a piece of my heart.
For a mother Who has spent nights awake with a child, or kissed their boo-boos when they have fallen, there is something chemically that happens. It is natural to attach, and necessary for that child's development for this to take place. Over time (as the child grows and matures) we let go, we raise them, teach them, and when they are of age allow them to leave our home. This is where the difference is, as a foster parent one must not only attach to that child and love them as our own, but be prepared to let go long before they are ready for the real world. Its unnatural, and not something to enter into lightly.
I will never say that I regret being a foster parent. I loved every baby as though they were my own. I treat them with the same love that I show my son. I also never knew how much they would mean to me. I thought I could compartmentalize and be realistic.
I never got the statement that a "Child is a piece of your heart walking around outside your body" until after I became a mother. I can now say that I understand this statement and while "this is what I signed up for" I never knew the pain of letting go before this point.
As I have said before, this journey is not pain-free. We each chose our routes to the same end of FAMILY. I encourage each of you to examine your heart and chose what is best for you, your spouse, and your children. Be prepared for heartache, as it seems to be common place with joy and love. Lastly, be prepared to give up little bits of your heart and see them walking around outside of your body. I guess that is advice to give to ALL parents, not just us on this journey through infertility.

Know Your Insurance!

**I do not endorse any insurance, nor do I make any claims about your insurance. I am simply suggesting that as women/men we become informed of what is available to us through our OWN plans**

When we began this journey, we were ignorant to say the least. At one point someone said to us, "Insurance doesn't cover fertility problems" and we left it at that. We literally left it at that for SEVEN YEARS! Then one day, I had a thought...what if I actually LOOK at my insurance. So while working for a financial institution, who by the way had what I would consider average benes, I looked up our insurance plan. I typed into the search bar fertility, and was shocked to find that I had coverage for diagnosis and treatment of infertility UP TO $10,000. We all know how fast $10K goes, but I thought maybe we can get some answers!
I have also heard of insurance plans having NO CAP on diagnosis. Another plan that I have recently heard of WILL COVER treatment, including IVF! I am sure, like with birth control, there are some insurances who don't cover at all.
I will encourage you again, if you haven't already done so, READ your insurance paperwork. If something seems vague, call them. Talk with your doctor. Sometimes the diagnosis can also be a fix (ahem, the dye test will occasionally blow out your tubes).
If anything...you will get answers. You will obtain knowledge. Honestly, having knowledge or a label of what is going on, will help you heal your heart. If nothing else, it will answer questions and help you make the next decision.

Why Them? Why not me?

I regularly think of things to post, and then immediately think of how that post will come across to someone else. In doing so, I have learned to remind myself that this is our story. This Blog is here to not only help others understand what their friends and family are experiencing (and what we've experienced), but to help those who are traveling a similar road to know that they are not alone. That there are others who have lived through or with their same feelings, thoughts, and experiences. That being said, there is one common statement that I have heard (and even said, okay SCREAMED) a lot over the years from others who have struggled with infertility is the "Why them? Why not me" questions.
Its something that has crossed all of our minds. Why are people who are addicted to drugs or appear to be fornicating to increase their government assistance check able to continue to have baby after baby? Why not me? Why not US? Why not the nice couple who have a nice corner lot in suberbia? Why not...?
I wish I had the answers. I still find myself asking this question, especially as my husband and I continue to be involved in the foster-care community. It never does get easier to see those that I believe are unfit parents walking down the street SCREAMING at their child as they drag them behind them, or walking out of the Childwelfare building large, pregnant, and high. What I have to do is remind myself through GRITTED TEETH, that I don't see the big picture. There is a purpose in everything.
I also have to repeat to myself what I consider my life verse...

Isaiah 54:1-3a (MSG)
"Sing, barren woman, who has never had a baby. Fill the air with song, you who've never experienced childbirth! You're ending up with far more children than all those childbearing women." God says so! "Clear lots of ground for your tents! Make your tents large. Spread out! Think big! Use plenty of rope, drive the tent pegs deep. You're going to need lots of elbow room for your growing family.

This gives me comfort. At this point in my life (with out medical intervention), I am not going to carry a child. I am the "barren woman". But I can't stop there, I can't feel bad for myself or focus on bitterness towards those who can conceive. I must focus on rejoicing in what I have. I must prepare my home for my "growing family". Wallowing in self-pity gets me no-where and helps nothing. I chose to act.

I have told you before that I don't expect you to act the same way that I do. I don't expect everyone to be comfortable in fostering or adoption. Neither act is 100% comfortable all the time, but if I could be permitted to give you advice find something to pour yourself into. I have wallowed, I have been nearly catatonic, neither benefits me, my spouse, or anyone else. Act.