You Don't Know Me

Okay, so maybe you do. Maybe you are getting to know me. Maybe we are related. But let's assume you don't know me.
Last night I was leaving a public space with my son. We had finished our event and were headed home to wind down. A mom who sees me there regularly asked if K was our only child. I replied, "Yes for now." She then inquired about timing for another. Who hasn't asked this question? I know I have.
Yesterday it hit me out of no where. You see right now this is a rough subject for me. I would adopt again tomorrow, but I have to consider my whole family in this. I have to think about my husband's work/travel schedule. My son's school schedule. My work schedule. Could it work? Yes. Are we all in the same place? Honestly no.
I also debated how much I wanted to share with this woman. Laughable, isn't it? I post here for all the world to read and yet I hesitated with this acquaintance.
I did tell her we were waiting for timing, things to settle, and for our whole family to be ready for this. She looked puzzled and said something that no one has said to me..."I guess people are spacing their children further apart these days."
I was shocked by this. I felt slightly judged because I didn't have the 2.5 kids all two years apart. I told her the truth. I told her that we planned to adopt a child closer to K's age.
Her next reaction I laughed at inwardly. She told me how hard it is to adopt. She mentioned friends who struggled to conceive and then were told it would take a long time to adopt. I told her babies do take longer, but was cut short by my impatient five year old headed for the door.
I may take up this conversation again when I see her at the next event. I may wait for her to bring it up. I hope when I do that I have the appropriate words to say.
I am torn between two paths. I never want to hide K's history. Adoption is not shameful. I also don't want to parade him around as a charity project. I sincerely despise being told that I am such a good person for adopting. We did not adopt to save kids. We did so to have a family. For our benefit. We are selfish.

In closing, these commercials put on by the AdCouncil crack me up, and are absolutely true. Don't take someone's friend's cousin's experience as the truth. "There ARE thousands of kids who would LOVE to put up with you." 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3bPoQQyjZ8&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Out in the Open

So, I was wrong...things don't slow down with a Kindergartner. Soccer, swimming, and trips to visit family. We pretty much run non-stop. I apologize. Maybe I will make this blog part of my list of New Year's Resolutions (does anyone actually follow-through on those?), maybe this time I can stick to it. Now to post what I really wanted to share. 

I promised to share the next stop in our fertility journey with you. Nearly two years ago, I went under the knife. Some of you are friends and thinking, "Wait a minute, when did this happen?" It did. I am confessing. I had exploratory surgery to see if my tubes could be untangled in April 2012 and I kept it a secret.

Some of you are thinking, wait she said she'd be honest. I am being honest, just not at the moment. See, even with educating the public (which is what I believe this blog to be) about infertility, people still question. I didn't want to get your hopes up that I would be carrying a baby soon. Honestly, I didn't want to get mine up either.

So the results? I am still not pregnant. As a matter of fact my doc told my husband (as I was in recovery) that she "wouldn't call the surgery successful". She had to literally hunt through scar tissue to find my ovaries, then untangle my fallopian tubes to examine them. She also told him that we need to be thankful that I am alive. Which I am.

What does this mean for building our family? We essentially have two choices, IVF (or I think IUF could work too) or adopt. We have never shut the door on adoption. Honestly, I think that will be our next step when the timing is right. We always knew that we would adopt at least once more. We are also more open to the idea of IVF or IUF. It just will take more time (and resources) to get there.

In all, we are not swayed nor dismayed because we know our challenges are light and momentary.

Rant!

Okay, first of all FORGIVE ME! I have been away, well really I have been home and without internet. To say the least the past year has been a year of changes and (I believe) it is about to settle down, or speed up. I HAVE A KINDERGARTNER! Never thought I would be here...seriously, at one point, NEVER. 
But this isn't the purpose of my post. I am here to rant. See, I pin and I facebook (doesn't everyone?). With my facebooking and pinning I follow some adoption, infertility, and parenting stuff. Did you know that facebook follows you? Seriously, post something about bunnies. All of a sudden you'll have ads referring to BUNNIES in your newsfeed. Go ahead, I'll wait while you do this. Back? Okay. I post about being a mom, occasionally about being an adoptive mom, and sometimes about being infertile. Its no secret, I talk about it. This helps me heal and deal. 
Tonight (just less than five minutes ago) while checking my newsfeed I saw an ad talking about how this one woman "healed" herself of infertility and "you can too!" Umm? Excuse me? A one-size-fits-all answer. Okay, I scanned it and the author claims her holistic approach will help you conceive in two months or less. Okay...So you are going to tell me to care for my body and my tubes, which are riddled with scar tissue from an appendectomy are going to magically "open up"? Yeah, I am skeptical. 
I am not going to say it doesn't work, honestly I just scanned it. But I am a touch doubtful. I have tried holistic. I did accupuncture, and am thinking of doing it again. If not for the benefits of pregnancy, for the benefits of relaxation. (Did I ever tell you about the time I left the accupuncture office and ended up at the grocery store unsure how I got there???) AMAZING. 
I guess what I am tired of (and maybe this person isn't doing this, maybe it really works) is people taking advantage of those of us who are hurting. Giving false reassurances. The televangelist asking for money to pray for and heal you. The diet pill that will make you look like a super model. Maybe I am cynical, but I just.don't.buy.it. 
Yes I pray. I beg for another child. But in the next breath I am thankful for the beautiful son we have. I recognize that even if he is our ONLY, he has an amazing extended family of cousins to grow up with. I want a baby, I still take prenatals. I pin baby-related items. I have a board for "if we have a little girl". I track my ovulation. And in a future post (I promise soon) I will tell you about our most recent attempt at having a baby. I just don't want empty promises. Like I said, I've not researched it, but it smells of "snake oil". Maybe my lesson is to research better but like I said, I am tired of "quick fixes". 

FIVE!

I know some of you are still battling with building a family, so please don't take offense at my posts about our son. I have always said from day one that this is our journey, and part of that journey is celebration. Some chose IVF, some chose adoption, some foster, some have furr-babies, and others chose to live child-free. I will never judge your choices, but I do feel that part of our journey is to live in the moment and celebrate...That being said, this will be a Momma Brag post.

FIVE! We now have a FIVE-YEAR-OLD little man. I swear in the past week he has matured tenfold. Seriously, from things like him informing me that he "has enough toys" and wants to "put (his birthday money) in his pig(gy bank)". To him taking off with his morning chores. Gets dressed, brushes his teeth, and feeds the dogs with me having to ask just once! (You do know I am going to have to nag him about this tomorrow, that is how it works when you brag on your kids, they have to remind you that they are little humans.)
He is enrolled in Kindergarten and eager for the possibility of soccer in the fall! He uses his manners 95% of the time, and loves his friends.
Is he perfect, no. But he is growing into a gentleman, "just like Daddy".
Tonight as we left his friend's house, she ran out the door to get a kiss. Not just from me, actually I think I may have been an after thought. No, she wanted a kiss from our son. Feels like yesterday we were doing respite with him, today he is doing his own chores, and tomorrow I will be photographing him on his way to prom with his best friend.
Happy Birthday to my Baby, my Punkin, and forever my best friend.

Mother's Day 2013

Recently some mommie-friends of mine shared (via facebook) a blog post on Mother's Day. I have to admit it hit home for me on so many levels.

First of all, I cannot tell you how many Mother's Days (lying, it was EIGHT) that I either avoided church and spent the rest of the day in tears or went and spent the rest of the day in tears. To cope with this pain my husband and I lovingly coined the term "Woman's Day" and "Man Day" to be able to celebrate each other.

Secondly, I have been thinking a lot about our son's "Tummy Momma" (and all mothers who have children that they do not raise because of adoption) as of late. I have considered how hard this holiday, which coincidentally was the day of our son's birth five years ago, may be for her and how it may give her mixed emotions.

She may think of him on Mother's Day as the son she gave life to, but I raise. She may remember the joy of having him, so small and perfect, and the pain of letting him go nearly two years later.

Does her heart ache when the pastor of her church asks all Mothers to rise? Does she get up? Does she avoid church as I did? I can't tell you a straight answer about it, but my heart aches for her.

If my son's "Tummy-Momma" were reading this today, I would love to tell her thank you. Thank you for birthing such a dear sweet boy. Thank you for giving him his big eyes and unruly hair. Please know, that today (and many others) I am praying for you. Thank you.

P.S. After sharing the "Open Letter to Pastor's" post with my friends (and also a dear friend who is a pastor) this was our church's pastors response. I hope it touches you in the same way it touched me. Much love and prayers for you today.

Made for TV Drama

In some ways I feel like our journey is a made for TV drama. I feel like I should be on Lifetime or the Hallmark channel. I feel like the "Happily Ever After" should happen any moment, but life isn't like that. We chose to live our lives, we make our choices, and we chose what our happily ever after looks like. Mine isn't perfect, but its mine.

However when I stop to think about my TRUE happily ever after, I see a cherub faced almost five year old eating PB&N (peanut butter and nutella), who loves his "bideo" game (Lightning McQueen racing), Spiderman, and his Daddy. He sneaks sips of coffee and on more than one occasion has been guilty of guzzling nearly $5 worth of a white chocolate mocha!

My goals for my happily ever after are (as one friend succinctly put them) "cautiously optimistic". I have dreams of him following in his Daddy's hooks. I want to see him climb power poles and steel structures, but I also know that he may never get to that level. I encourage him to be whatever he wants to be. I pray for his future wife (if he has one). I look toward his future with optimism, but at the same time realistically.

You see, our son has delays in communication. We have made some GREAT strides, and he has come a long way, but many people still don't understand him. Often we wonder if he really understands us all the time. I dream of raising the next Albert Einstein (who also has been credited with slow language development) or at least seeing him grow into a pair of climbing boots, but also must work on today. With those dreams in mind, my happily ever after and I work towards age-appropriate communication.

I challenge you, in your journey, to take time to consider what your happily ever after may look like. I challenge you to look forward to it, and meet the challenges head on. Do not get frustrated with road blocks, but overcome them.

The Princess and the Giant

I had a friend today who asked if we had ever fostered any little girls. We have. Our long-term fosters were all boys, but there were two princess. One stayed with us just a week until a space opened in her old foster home and another was with us just three weeks. Both offered challenges unique to girls, and to themselves.
The one I am thinking of today was nearly two when she came to us. She had so much SASS!
The first day we had her, I realized that we were lacking in little girl clothes. I had one pair of corduroy overalls and a red onesie in her size. But that was it! Not exactly the pink frills and bows that a Princess needs. I dressed her in those clothes that first day, and as soon as nap time for my son and other foster son hit, I left them with my husband. Then I asked her if she wanted to go shopping. The sassy walk to the door and "YES!" was my answer.
At the store, I was browsing the clearance and sales sections for a deal when she approached me with a pair of skinny jeans trimmed in pink stitching. I shuddered at the price, but she was insistent THIS was what she wanted. Laughing at her fashion sense, I made the purchase, figuring that she was worth every penny. Let me tell you she ROCKED those skinny jeans!
My next lesson from this little girl was not so much fun. See at this time I was working part-time (for some wonderful employers) to keep our health insurance benefits. We had a system worked out where my husband would come home and "relieve me" of momma duties so that I could go to work. I hugged the kids and left. Once I got to work I got a call from him that our Princess hadn't stopped crying since I had left. He had called his mom to come and help get her in jammies since she was pacing out of arms reach from him sobbing. I am so thankful for the fact that my mother-in-law was able to come help and stay with him until I got off of work and home four hours later, but she cannot do this every time I have to go to work.
It was the next day at Costco that I devised a plan. I grabbed a Costco sized bag of gummy bears, and informed Princess that these were "Daddy L's" and if she wanted some, she had to ask. I figured that in time she would see that he was safe. When he got home, she came to me and asked for some candy. I told her that they weren't mine, and she walked to L pointing at the top of the fridge. This was a start, so he gave her some...within time she began using her words to ask. Then within a week I walked around the corner to see him sitting cross-legged on the floor reading a book with her in his lap!  SUCCESS!!!
I still don't know what happened to this Princess to make her fearful of men, even my kind-hearted husband. I have my assumptions, but won't share those here. I guess the moral of the story is that each child, whether a foster placement, an adoptive placement, a student in church or school, or a kid on your sports team has their own back story and their own challenges. They are worth it. Figure out how, with time you can meet and over come those challenges with them. I promise, they are so worth it.