I Release You

Today, for whatever reason, a memory came flooding back to me. It was a point when we were young, maybe 23 years old, when I told my husband, "I release you". I don't think on this often, because it was in the midst of my darkest days. The period of my life that I'd just rather forget than remember.
For those of you who aren't familiar with the Bible, there are passages that speak of the joy of having a children. Psalm 127:3-5 says, "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate." I had felt like I was a failure of a wife, how could I hold my husband back from this blessing?
Even though we had no confirmed answer as to why we couldn't have children, I knew then that it wasn't his problem, it was mine. So, out of pity (for him or for me, I couldn't tell you), I told him that he could divorce me to find a wife that could give him a child. He was free to leave.
Thankfully, I am blessed with a wonderful husband, and one who was wise beyond his 23 years. He told me that he had no interest in leaving me. That if we lived childless forever, he would be happy just being my husband.
Now that I am older (nearly a decade!) I can look back on that moment and realize that it doesn't matter how your family is built. Or if you have children at all. What matters is that you, as an individual or a couple, have support. You have someone who loves you, and chooses to stand by you regardless of the circumstances. I pray that you have the same.

Falling In Love

For several months we would babysit this little man. We'd take him on weekends, take him for an afternoon, and we'd have him OVERNIGHT. Talk about scary...here we are adults who have NEVER had children, and we have a baby sleeping in a cradle next to our bed! 

I don't think I slept at all that first night. The baby, on the other hand, slept 12 hours. I was awake for every breath, coo, and squeak while this four-month old bundle slept peacefully. He was perfect. 

A few months later, I got sick, REALLY sick. I couldn't hardly move my body was so exhausted. Doctors poked and prodded me. I was on a first-name basis with my phlebotomist, since we were seeing each other ever other day. In the end I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disorder. My immune system decided that an organ needed to die, I might add it is a necessary organ! 

This two month period put a hold on spending time with our little buddy. It was heartbreaking especially as we were supposed to have him for a FEW days during this period. We saw him at church, and soaked up every possible snuggle moment that we could. We had inadvertently fallen in love. We were in love with a not-so-little baby whose smile resembled a vampire (his front teeth came in after the rest) and I believe that he was falling in love with us also. 

Mommy Wars

I might be behind on this, but it seems like a topic that should be addressed. We have all seen the Time Magazine cover, if not...you must not have the same 'mom-friends' that I do. ;) I feel like its important to talk about this as an infertile woman and as a Foster/Adoptive mother.
You see, the day this launched I saw it spring up on SEVERAL of my friend's facebook pages and the discussion ranged from, "Why would you breast-feed a child who will remember it later?" to "Why are we judging this mom's choices." I want to pose another question, "Why are we judging any mom's choices?" Our only questions should be, "Is she hurting her child?" "Are they fed?" "Are they clothed?" And "Are they kept warm at night?"
As an infertile woman, I have never carried a baby in my womb. I have never breast-fed a child, I may never have that chance. I don't co-sleep, I do have a cradle in my bedroom for infants who I foster or do respite for, but my bed is sacred. My son HATED the Ergo, and sobbed every time I tried to put him in it (he was nearly two when he came to us forever). You see, "my babies" came to us at various stages of development, and with various traumas (some more than others). Does my inability to do these things lessen my ability to mother? NO.
What an article like this does to many women is make us feel inferior. Ten years ago, I would've looked at this picture and thought to myself, "I am a failure". I will never be able to do "those" things. My child will not attach to me like "theirs" do. Today I look to this photo and think to myself, "To each her own". We are all doing what we can. I think as women we need to stop comparing, stop complaining, and start supporting and listening. We have so much to offer each other, don't let the media come between us.
While I do not want to launch into a debate on whether or not to use attachment parenting in raising your babies, current or future, I do want to share another link. Kristen Howerton posted a response in the Huffington Post as a response to the EXPLOSION of posts, comments, and media coverage on this cover photo.  I personally can't agree with her more. Let's end the "War" on Mommies who are doing what is best, and instead FIGHT for children locally and globally who hang in limbo.