"Blessed" by Infertility

Roughly a year ago, I had an individual try to use my infertility to challenge my religious beliefs. This is a person who is supposed to be close to me. We grew up together, attended church together, and still to this day see each other regularly at functions. Somewhere along the line we parted denominational lines.

I promise that I will do my best to not CRAM or preach to you on this site, it is for support. It is for education, but I needed to lay this out to give reference to my story. I do not have problems with Atheism, Buddhism, or individuals of the Muslim faith. I believe what I believe and I know where I stand. 

Going back to the title of this post. In a HEATED discussion in an attempt to trap me or sway my beliefs, this individual stated, "So God blessed you with infertility right?" My response was, "Not blessed." This is a natural "in the moment" response. Honestly when I began this post it was in anger and I was going to use this forum to tell that person OFF! But if I stop and think of the blessings I have had through infertility, I cannot help but weep. My marriage is stronger (yes, I know this is not always the case); I have made life-long friendships that I never would have; and I have a BEAUTIFUL son.

I shared with you previously the struggles early in our marriage. My husband shut down, he would see me weeping and leave the room. I now know it was because he hurt and couldn't "fix" me. He had no clue how to handle his own emotions let alone mine. Through infertility we grew. We battled this side by side, and learned how to handle each other in our darkest times. Are we perfect, no. Are we UNIFIED, yes. We became two soldiers, fighting an invisible enemy named "infertility." Often my husband will tell friends, "If we can survive those days, we can survive anything." I believe he is correct.

There have been posts about my friend. The one who has suffered miscarriages, and gone on to adopt not one but (now) FOUR beautiful children. We met through our eldest children's foster mother. She is the one who brought us together, and honestly another close friend who I would never had if not for infertility. Both of these women have shaped me as a wife and mother. They have taught me to fight for children. They have held me as I have sobbed the loss of a foster child. If not for infertility, I would not have the relationship that I have with either woman. I wouldn't know many of you either.

Lastly, and most importantly is my son. Does he make me crazy? YES. Does he test my boundaries? ALL THE TIME. But, he is MINE. Without infertility I couldn't guarantee that I would have him. We planned on adoption, both of us telling our mothers as children that someday we would adopt. It was always the plan to adopt one child, but without infertility would it have been this one? I don't know. Maybe we would have had our four in our early 20s and stopped. I CANNOT IMAGINE NOT BEING HIS MOTHER. He is my biggest blessing that has come from infertility.

You see, I was wrong. I am BLESSED by infertility. Just not in the way that most people would take it. Now, does this post mean that those of you who have never experienced infertility should go pointing out "blessings" as your infertile friends sob? NO. Let them come to these conclusions in their own time, just listen and hold them (emotionally or physically if they want). Does this blot out the error of that individual trying to use my infertility as a tool to convert me to their beliefs? HELL NO! (sorry Mom) No one has that right. NO ONE, and I will say this once (okay, lying I will say it as many times as it takes to get it through people's thick skulls) USING ANOTHER'S PAIN TO PAINT YOUR BELIEFS AS RIGHT IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE. This goes for Christians, Buddhists, Muslims, and Atheists (sorry if I left more than a few religions out).

Mother's Day

I have shared with you before (last year) how Mother's Day used to be hard for me. I know that this is not an experience that I am alone in. Thousands of women wake on Mother's Day in torment. They see and hear a celebration of Motherhood everywhere. It is a constant reminder of their "failure." I call it "their failure" because that is how I felt, I felt like a failure. I can't do the one thing that women are supposed to do and that men cannot do, have babies. I can't give my husband a child that is a combination of us (at least I can't without medical intervention).

However, today is different. Today, I reflect in a different mode. I see my friends who, like us, couldn't conceive and are blessed to be mothers through adoption. I see my friends who have lost children, sisters, and mothers. I see my friends who have chosen to give their babies to another to raise. I see my friends who have lost their spouse, the love of their lives, and are mothering alone. For many of them this is bittersweet. This maybe a day of grief, a reminder of what they do not have. Today I grieve with them.

I do not grieve what I do not have, but I grieve with them. I cry for them, I will laugh with them. I will remember them and maybe you in my prayers. I hope that they (and you) find joy in Mother's Day. Whether it is in celebrating your womanhood, strong women in your life, or remembering your loved ones fondly. I pray that today ends happily for you.

Mother's Day 2013

Recently some mommie-friends of mine shared (via facebook) a blog post on Mother's Day. I have to admit it hit home for me on so many levels.

First of all, I cannot tell you how many Mother's Days (lying, it was EIGHT) that I either avoided church and spent the rest of the day in tears or went and spent the rest of the day in tears. To cope with this pain my husband and I lovingly coined the term "Woman's Day" and "Man Day" to be able to celebrate each other.

Secondly, I have been thinking a lot about our son's "Tummy Momma" (and all mothers who have children that they do not raise because of adoption) as of late. I have considered how hard this holiday, which coincidentally was the day of our son's birth five years ago, may be for her and how it may give her mixed emotions.

She may think of him on Mother's Day as the son she gave life to, but I raise. She may remember the joy of having him, so small and perfect, and the pain of letting him go nearly two years later.

Does her heart ache when the pastor of her church asks all Mothers to rise? Does she get up? Does she avoid church as I did? I can't tell you a straight answer about it, but my heart aches for her.

If my son's "Tummy-Momma" were reading this today, I would love to tell her thank you. Thank you for birthing such a dear sweet boy. Thank you for giving him his big eyes and unruly hair. Please know, that today (and many others) I am praying for you. Thank you.

P.S. After sharing the "Open Letter to Pastor's" post with my friends (and also a dear friend who is a pastor) this was our church's pastors response. I hope it touches you in the same way it touched me. Much love and prayers for you today.

Bitter Sweet Words

I have been dealing with a lot of heartache lately over not being able to provide a sibling for our son (4 1/2). He has asked, like most kids his age, for a brother or a sister. For some families this is no big deal, you talk about it, try (or don't), and give an answer. Obviously, you don't give the GRAPHIC answer, however I think many kids his age would get the where do babies come from talk, knowing our son he wouldn't. As parents who are infertile, its not an easy answer. We could try to adopt again, however at this point in our lives we have been told that is not an avenue we can go down with out some living arrangement changes. Even with the most basic of changes, it would be difficult. We could try to conceive on our own, which is always an option, however at this point not an affordable one.

Lately, my heartache has been exasperated by five little words. "Will you play with me?" They are bitter sweet. Sweet because he still wants me around! However, our child is lonely. He asks my husband and myself regularly to get down on his level and play with him. Whether it is Lincoln Logs, Thomas, GI Joe's, or just a simple sword fight (thank you He-Man and Peter Pan), he is looking for a playmate. Some of you are saying, "Take advantage of this! And we do, however we also know that at some point (and on some level currently) he wants someone he can relate to. Someone who gets him. Someone who can play make-believe and REALLY get into it. Someone who isn't jaded with the stress of being an adult on their shoulder.

Our son is looking for his Peter Pan. His playmate, someone who hasn't grown up yet. Won't grow up for some time. Who can invent imaginary worlds with green tigers who change into Battle Cats. Who can see the swing-set as a castle to defend. Where rugs are islands in an ocean filled with sharks or a river of lava. This is my desire for him too. I DO CHERISH every moment of snuggles, playing, and learning with him. But I know in some ways I am not enough.

I have also watched him play this past week with cousins and friends. My son has no concept of sharing. See what you want and take it is his idea of sharing. Taking turns is foreign to him. This is another way that I would love to bless him. I want him to grow into that person who understands how to share. I don't want him to be selfish. I don't want him to struggle with having a roommate in college, or sharing an apartment.

To be honest, I also want a second best friend for me. Our son is my best friend. He is my day in and day out, but the joy of having a second child to love and cherish...I've had it before, and I miss it. I know someday we will have another, at least I PRAY that we do. For our son's sake I pray it is sooner than later. He deserves a best friend who can keep up with him.  

When Does it Get Easier?

I have been asked this question time and again...I thought I knew the answer, it gets easier with time and (for me) a proper diagnosis. However, lately with a surge of Holiday Pregnancy Posts on Facebook and Twitter I find myself with a twinge of jealousy. Please don't take this wrong, I rejoice with every friend who posts about their beautiful little blessing. I celebrate with them all, because lets be honest  PREGNANCY IS A MIRACLE. 
I have friends who have come to me in the past couple of years and admitted their struggle with conception, and I can HAPPILY say that they have nearly ALL conceived as of this point. Some took SEVERAL years, some a year, and others six months. Each had the same reality I have, the same fears, and the same level of jealousy over others announcements. In that way, we are all sisters.
Recently I joined a page on Facebook called RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association. Through this page I have seen several posts asking about coping with infertility. Today, they asked "What ways can you help make the journey easier for the next person diagnosed with infertility?" This struck me today, so much so that I am OUT of bed at 1am typing this.
 I want to be honest with you. I am not healed 100%. I have MANY good days and a few bad days. Yes, it gets better. I do still sob uncontrollably when my hopes have been dashed (whether it is after missing a period for 30 days, which I did two months ago (darned medication and stress) or its not being able to adopt again for a while (another post for another day)). Thankfully, I have moved on from being immobilized to my bed for 24 hours at a time (but who knows, that may just happen to me again next week).
What I am doing is living. I have a husband who supports me. Who may have left me by now if he were a weaker man, but is strong enough to hold me as I fall apart. I have a beautiful little boy through the miracle of adoption. They both need me to live. They need me to support them as much as they support me. They need me to love them as much as they love me.
What I am getting around to saying is that it is OKAY TO BE JEALOUS. It's okay to cry. It's okay to grieve. These are normal and natural responses to infertility and will not go away over night. What is NOT OKAY is to wallow in it for as long as I did. I know that I lost a few years in my grief, gone, poof! We must all learn to LIVE. We must all learn to SUPPORT. We must all learn to LOVE. We must all learn to be HAPPY. We must all learn to CELEBRATE. And yes, I believe we must all have FAITH.
These are things that make us human and these are things that carry us on.

"Dream until your dream comes true."

-Aerosmith 

A Day of Highs and Lows

 March 1, 2010 was a rather emotional day for us. This was the day that we got our call confirming that we would be adopting our son. That he would be joining us forever in a matter of days (technically a week). We finally got our gift. The child that we desired for so long. We were going to be a FOREVER FAMILY. See this was the high of the day. The ray of sunshine on a day that was also filled with grief.
 As I have mentioned, we have LOVED every child that has been in our home. This was also the day we said good-bye to our first foster baby. He left our home to be reunited with a relative. A couple who truly love him. A couple who cares for him 100% and gives him everything a little boy needs.
 We packed him into the agency van and said good-bye. I wish we had done this differently. We should have taken him to the office ourselves, met his family, shared with them face-to-face, and said our good-byes. Instead a van came to our home, we loaded his belongings, placed him in a car seat, and kissed him good-bye. I had already e-mailed them his schedule, his likes/dislikes, and the signs he used to communicate with us so that they would be prepared for his arrival. What I wasn't prepared for was his face. I will never forget his face as he realized all his belongings were with him in that van. The look of confusion and hurt. I couldn't handle being with him. I ran. I sobbed. I grieved the loss of him.
  As much as I resent the agency for screwing up what should have been the most joyful moment of my life, I am also thankful. As I mentioned our son came home within a few days (we had a planned "respite" visit for him with us). I redecorated the nursery, set up a toddler bed (we agreed with his foster family to transition him to a bed during the transition to our home to make it less painful). We were able to essentially fill our home with our child and focus 100% on him. In hindsight, I see a blessing in disguise.
  I still miss our first baby. He is special and he is being raised by special people who share stories, updates, and photos with us. In turn, I share stories back about our son. Who is also special, and the best gift we've ever gotten.

GET IT OVER WITH!!!

We all know the tell-tale sign of pregnancy, usually it begins with a missed cycle. For many this can be a very exciting time, and it has been for me in the early days of trying to conceive, but it has typically been followed by heartache. As I have grown older, it has become a time of indifference. Over time I have created my own set of missed period rules (sorry guys, you're gonna have to deal with this topic).

Rule #1 if your period is one-day late, get intimate. Somehow I always start after being intimate with my husband. The second tried, and true, trigger is to window-shop for baby stuff. I know, I should know better than to get excited, but the stuff is SO CUTE. Third is to share with your spouse and a friend or two. Once you all get excited...Aunt Flo is there to ruin your day. If this doesn't work, then around day four to seven of being late, take a pregnancy test. Its like your body messes with you, "oh, you just spent $9 on a pregnancy test? Lol, GOTCHA!"

Twice in my marriage have I missed a period completely. I head to the doctor, thinking "maybe?" Only to be told that I am stressed out, and that is why my body skipped a period. Most recently, I was informed that my medication was off which is why my period was skipped. Then 28 days after the first should have started, I have another. Its like clockwork.

I know we all have our stories, and our tried and true period-starters. These are just mine. My dream for myself and all of you is that we will conceive. We will all know the joy of seeing the "+" on the test. We will experience the first ultrasound of our babies. That first kick will bring tears to our eyes and a lump to our throat. Then finally after nine glorious months, we will hold our miracle in our arms. Some of us will experience that, be it through IVF, Surrogate, or another unexplained miracle. Some (like me) will just see a baby, fall in love, and know that he was meant to be ours. No matter how your family is built, there are miracles all around. Find a way to smile and be thankful.  

I Release You

Today, for whatever reason, a memory came flooding back to me. It was a point when we were young, maybe 23 years old, when I told my husband, "I release you". I don't think on this often, because it was in the midst of my darkest days. The period of my life that I'd just rather forget than remember.
For those of you who aren't familiar with the Bible, there are passages that speak of the joy of having a children. Psalm 127:3-5 says, "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate." I had felt like I was a failure of a wife, how could I hold my husband back from this blessing?
Even though we had no confirmed answer as to why we couldn't have children, I knew then that it wasn't his problem, it was mine. So, out of pity (for him or for me, I couldn't tell you), I told him that he could divorce me to find a wife that could give him a child. He was free to leave.
Thankfully, I am blessed with a wonderful husband, and one who was wise beyond his 23 years. He told me that he had no interest in leaving me. That if we lived childless forever, he would be happy just being my husband.
Now that I am older (nearly a decade!) I can look back on that moment and realize that it doesn't matter how your family is built. Or if you have children at all. What matters is that you, as an individual or a couple, have support. You have someone who loves you, and chooses to stand by you regardless of the circumstances. I pray that you have the same.

A Bit of Your Heart

I apologize for occasionally "skipping around" in our story, but today my heart is heavy with a concept that few understand. I have been told before, when my heart is aching for foster children who have left my home, that "This is what you signed up for". And while that statement is true, it doesn't make it easier.
My husband and I have been foster parents for nearly three years and while time helps bring acceptance, you never truly heal from the pain of having a child that you truly love leave your home. This last week has been especially difficult for me as two of "my" babies have been ill or had medical procedures done. You see while they are not legally mine, and not biologically born of my body, they still embody a piece of my heart.
For a mother Who has spent nights awake with a child, or kissed their boo-boos when they have fallen, there is something chemically that happens. It is natural to attach, and necessary for that child's development for this to take place. Over time (as the child grows and matures) we let go, we raise them, teach them, and when they are of age allow them to leave our home. This is where the difference is, as a foster parent one must not only attach to that child and love them as our own, but be prepared to let go long before they are ready for the real world. Its unnatural, and not something to enter into lightly.
I will never say that I regret being a foster parent. I loved every baby as though they were my own. I treat them with the same love that I show my son. I also never knew how much they would mean to me. I thought I could compartmentalize and be realistic.
I never got the statement that a "Child is a piece of your heart walking around outside your body" until after I became a mother. I can now say that I understand this statement and while "this is what I signed up for" I never knew the pain of letting go before this point.
As I have said before, this journey is not pain-free. We each chose our routes to the same end of FAMILY. I encourage each of you to examine your heart and chose what is best for you, your spouse, and your children. Be prepared for heartache, as it seems to be common place with joy and love. Lastly, be prepared to give up little bits of your heart and see them walking around outside of your body. I guess that is advice to give to ALL parents, not just us on this journey through infertility.

A New Perspective, A Second Third Opinion...

Within a matter of two short weeks later, I walked into my small local women's clinic to meet with the doctor that I was referred to. Still over the moon with excitement, I read a parenting magazine in the waiting room, which I normally avoided like the plague. I stumbled upon a reusable Ovulation test kit that helped you diagnose the consistency of your mucus (sorry, none of any of this is pretty). This kit was really exciting to me, I thought for sure it could help me! I was going to share it with Dr. *******! Surely if ***** was right this Dr. would be just as interested in us getting pregnant as she was. Right?
Wrong. Dr. ******* walked in with my chart, a stern look on his face as he reviewed it. He shared that my thyroid levels were normal, asked the "usual" questions, and then dropped the verbal bomb. "It says here that you've been trying to conceive for four years?" (umm, yeah.) "No pregnancies?" (umm, no) "Why don't you just give up and adopt?" EXCUSE ME? "I can't believe ***** didn't suggest this to you. You should just give up and adopt."
Can you see my 24 year old jaw hitting the floor? I proceeded to ask about the proceedure **** had recommended, and was shot down with "its too expensive, just adopt". I showed him the item I was looking at...he blew it off as it won't work. He then excused himself and me, leaving me stunned and silent in the room alone.
My next steps are a blur. I remember making it to my truck, and bursting into tears. I sat in the parking lot sobbing...I couldn't believe that THIS was the doctor with the best bedside manner at that clinic. I was crushed, and spent the rest of the day crying. I cried on the phone while talking to my husband. I drove to work, sobbing. I spent the whole rest of the day wearing sunglasses to hide my puffy eyes.
I never did return to that clinic. To this day I won't go. A doctor dealing with women SHOULD have more tact than that.

The Question

**Disclaimer: I am not pointing fingers, nor am I posting a "shame on you" post. I am speaking from my heart, and sharing OPENLY our experiences**
This is usually used as a general conversation starter, and honestly I am sure that I am just as guilty of using it with some of my friends. I do TRY to only ask my closest friends, and to only ask in a one on one setting. This is the "When are you guys going to have kids?" question.
We began hearing it shortly after we got married. Being a young Christian couple, this was pretty much expected of us. Marriage=Procreation. Shoot, this was what we expected of ourselves! But I digress, again. In the beginning...(wow that sounded oddly familiar)we heard this question primarily from family and friends. As time went on we heard it (say around the 2-3 year mark) from acquaintances.
Now where this gets odd, is when someone (an acquaintance, for instance) asks this question in the midst of a group. One specific time that this happened to me was at a Baby Shower (seems to happen a lot around pregnant women). I remember being in the group, smiling and laughing, when someone asked me this question from across the room. Talk about awkward silence. I had no clue how to respond. Thankfully someone (who knew about my situation) changed the subject by redirecting a second question. I wish I could say that that particular moment wasn't etched in my brain forever...but it is.
I am not always caught off guard, however there was another instance. A younger woman asked me the question, in this instance it was just three of us chatting. The third woman then proceeded to explain, with her arm around me for support, that "Karen can't have babies". I was irate and when I got home I swore to my husband that I would never share my "secret" with another human being. See, it wasn't that I was embarrassed, or maybe it was, but this was my story to tell. It wasn't theirs.
As I mentioned, I am not always caught off guard. I have had people ask, in a group, and answered that we are "just waiting on God". Or "Its in his time". Or my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE, "Not right now, but we are sure having FUN TRYING!" You should have seen my Bible Study when I dropped the latter on them after venting about this very topic! I have never seen so many women blush in one place, and really I wouldn't consider them prudish.
As I mentioned, this is not a "shame on you", but really I ask that you take it more as a public service announcement. The weather is a good conversation starter. So is asking what they like to do in their time off. "When are you going to have kids" is basically stating "We know you're gettin' jiggy...when are we gonna see the results of it?"
Plus, consider that woman or man might be struggling inwardly and may not be ready to go public with it. When it is time, consider yourself to be a trusted confidant. Honestly, I have been living with this for 12 years. Some people in my life only realized our struggle when I began this blog. I have been open with it for roughly 7 years, however its not normally a conversation starter for me. Wait for them, they will tell you when they are ready.

The Monthly Torment

I shared a few days ago that we stopped trying. The irony of "not trying" is that without an agreement to continue the rest of your days celibate, you never really stop. Oh yeah, you stop charting, seeing your doctor monthly (or more often), taking pills, timing your rendezvous, etc. But there is always that glimmer of hope, at least there is in the early days.
I have had (self-diagnosed) Phantom Pregnancies. Please feel free to read into this that I have imagined random symptoms and let my mind run wild. I have had swollen/tender breasts around my period (yes, I know lots of women do) and sworn that I was pregnant. I also have had "morning sickness" symptoms, including hacking and occasionally vomiting. Lastly I have had on several occasions gone from having a cycle that works like clock-work (28 days on the button) to being up to 4 weeks late!
On each of these occurences I tried to reason with my psyche, "Look, you aren't pregnant...You aren't pregnant...You aren't pregnant." And told myself, "I will wait until I am xx days/weeks late, and THEN buy a pregnancy test." I have involved my husband, usually only on the times when I am LITERALLY LATE. He is much more level-headed than I am on these things.
Often what happens is that I have psyched myself (and him) out to the point where I FINALLY take a test or (on a more recent late period)called my doctor. Either of those instances is usually followed (within 24 hours) by my period. Eve's Curse. Aunt Flo. Whatever you want to call it.
As I mentioned, early on I got excited. I might have shared with a few close girlfriends. I started picking out names, yes I know its crazy. Then once I started, I would hit an all new low. Sometimes crying in the bathroom. Sometimes sending tearful texts to all who were excited with me. And often (early on) not knowing why we couldn't conceive.