Building a Family

When we began this journey we had been told that we would be better candidates for adoption once we became foster parents. Which we did, then we were blessed to adopt our son because of our foster parent certification and our existing relationship with him as his respite care providers. What we didn't realize was that with my husband's recent career change (shortly after we adopted our son), we would be traveling all over the Northwest. It is that lifestyle that has made it harder to adopt other children.
Currently our goal is to spend three weeks per month as a family on the road. Then one week apart, meaning my husband stays to work, and we go home to visit family and friends. In discussing this arrangement with our Adoptive Certifier, we have been told that since they cannot visit us on the road, we cannot adopt.
Our alternative is to spend the majority of every month at home, and "visit" Daddy on the road. Even this will pose a problem as I have been informed that our situation is just "weird" and out of the norm. So when a committee looks at us, they will see a "broken family". Their goal will be to place a child with a "complete family" and so a two-parent living in the same city/county/state family will be more appealing to them.
I have to admit, this is heartbreaking for us. Especially as our son seems to be obsessed with babies. He gets excited when he sees them, and asks all about them. We know our God is bigger than DHS, and we pray and wait for his perfect plan.

Yes, our son has a chocolate milk mustache. ;) Adds to the character of the photo. 

Foster-Care Goals: Reunification

Without breaching confidentiality agreements I can't post much about our foster care experience, I will summarize what can be expected as best as I can. I have heard the term "Foster-Adopt", and even used it to explain our situation. See, we had hoped that we would be blessed to adopt one or more of our foster placements. In hindsight, we (by "we" I mean I was) were wrong to hope this.

Foster care is a temporary situation. As foster parents we are expected to take a child, or in our case five infants/toddlers, love them and attach to them, then be able to let them go. There are some foster parents who are blessed to adopt their foster children, but this is the exception, not the rule. Through the next few posts I will explain the options for a foster-child's permanency. Today beginning with "reunification with parents". 

I was told once that 85% of foster children are reunited with their parents. This takes precedence above all else. So does their attachment to the parent. The child WILL visit with the parents, typically supervised at first. These visits may go wonderfully and have little effect on the child, or may affect them emotionally (nightmares, crying endlessly for mama, or tantrums) or physically (they might sleep for hours or be sick for days on end afterward). I have had kids react in all of these ways. If as a foster parent you think you can interrupt these visits, you are wrong and need to talk to your certifier and worker about the goals they have for foster kids. 

Your job as a foster parent is to calm the child, sooth their concerns, and remain POSITIVE. I cannot state that enough, BE POSITIVE. I don't care how the parent has messed up or abused their child, they are the parent. They are a part of a child, and no child should be told that a part of them is substandard. Their “choices” maybe unacceptable, but THEY as people are not. When you say that their parent is a failure, you tell them essentially that they are a failure. This is what their developing brain hears and understands. 

You may see the parent as unfit, but remember YOU are not the judge. YOUR standards are not what the parents are measured by. Is the child being cared for? Are they safe? Do they have a home? Do they have food? These are minimum requirements and if the answer is yes to these questions, then they are FIT. It is hard, but as a foster-parent, we must rejoice in these successes.

 I must be honest, I still do pray for "my babies". I pray for safety, I pray their needs are met, I pray they know love, and I pray that they are happy. Knowing that my God is looking out for our babies is what I find comfort in. I encourage you (if you have been or will be a foster parent) to find comfort somewhere. Whether it is in God, a counselor, or a good friend.