When Does it Get Easier?

I have been asked this question time and again...I thought I knew the answer, it gets easier with time and (for me) a proper diagnosis. However, lately with a surge of Holiday Pregnancy Posts on Facebook and Twitter I find myself with a twinge of jealousy. Please don't take this wrong, I rejoice with every friend who posts about their beautiful little blessing. I celebrate with them all, because lets be honest  PREGNANCY IS A MIRACLE. 
I have friends who have come to me in the past couple of years and admitted their struggle with conception, and I can HAPPILY say that they have nearly ALL conceived as of this point. Some took SEVERAL years, some a year, and others six months. Each had the same reality I have, the same fears, and the same level of jealousy over others announcements. In that way, we are all sisters.
Recently I joined a page on Facebook called RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association. Through this page I have seen several posts asking about coping with infertility. Today, they asked "What ways can you help make the journey easier for the next person diagnosed with infertility?" This struck me today, so much so that I am OUT of bed at 1am typing this.
 I want to be honest with you. I am not healed 100%. I have MANY good days and a few bad days. Yes, it gets better. I do still sob uncontrollably when my hopes have been dashed (whether it is after missing a period for 30 days, which I did two months ago (darned medication and stress) or its not being able to adopt again for a while (another post for another day)). Thankfully, I have moved on from being immobilized to my bed for 24 hours at a time (but who knows, that may just happen to me again next week).
What I am doing is living. I have a husband who supports me. Who may have left me by now if he were a weaker man, but is strong enough to hold me as I fall apart. I have a beautiful little boy through the miracle of adoption. They both need me to live. They need me to support them as much as they support me. They need me to love them as much as they love me.
What I am getting around to saying is that it is OKAY TO BE JEALOUS. It's okay to cry. It's okay to grieve. These are normal and natural responses to infertility and will not go away over night. What is NOT OKAY is to wallow in it for as long as I did. I know that I lost a few years in my grief, gone, poof! We must all learn to LIVE. We must all learn to SUPPORT. We must all learn to LOVE. We must all learn to be HAPPY. We must all learn to CELEBRATE. And yes, I believe we must all have FAITH.
These are things that make us human and these are things that carry us on.

"Dream until your dream comes true."

-Aerosmith 

A Day of Highs and Lows

 March 1, 2010 was a rather emotional day for us. This was the day that we got our call confirming that we would be adopting our son. That he would be joining us forever in a matter of days (technically a week). We finally got our gift. The child that we desired for so long. We were going to be a FOREVER FAMILY. See this was the high of the day. The ray of sunshine on a day that was also filled with grief.
 As I have mentioned, we have LOVED every child that has been in our home. This was also the day we said good-bye to our first foster baby. He left our home to be reunited with a relative. A couple who truly love him. A couple who cares for him 100% and gives him everything a little boy needs.
 We packed him into the agency van and said good-bye. I wish we had done this differently. We should have taken him to the office ourselves, met his family, shared with them face-to-face, and said our good-byes. Instead a van came to our home, we loaded his belongings, placed him in a car seat, and kissed him good-bye. I had already e-mailed them his schedule, his likes/dislikes, and the signs he used to communicate with us so that they would be prepared for his arrival. What I wasn't prepared for was his face. I will never forget his face as he realized all his belongings were with him in that van. The look of confusion and hurt. I couldn't handle being with him. I ran. I sobbed. I grieved the loss of him.
  As much as I resent the agency for screwing up what should have been the most joyful moment of my life, I am also thankful. As I mentioned our son came home within a few days (we had a planned "respite" visit for him with us). I redecorated the nursery, set up a toddler bed (we agreed with his foster family to transition him to a bed during the transition to our home to make it less painful). We were able to essentially fill our home with our child and focus 100% on him. In hindsight, I see a blessing in disguise.
  I still miss our first baby. He is special and he is being raised by special people who share stories, updates, and photos with us. In turn, I share stories back about our son. Who is also special, and the best gift we've ever gotten.