Not His Only Momma

I have been thinking on this for sometime now. The fact that I am not our son's only momma. See, my son was born to one woman; raised by another for nearly two years; and has been my son for the past four years. For this reason alone, I am not nor will I ever be his only momma.

When we first adopted our son we made our intentions clear to his birth parents. Our plan was to refer to them in name when we discussed them with our son. The intent was to establish that we were his parents to raise him. How ignorant were we in this? They gave him life...as time has gone on I see his growing understanding of who his "Tummy Momma" and "Tummy Daddy" are. With this I see an enchantment with these people who birthed him. He gets excited when there is an email from them, even if it is only a few lines. He enjoys reviewing his "Life Book" which has photos of them in it, and speaks of how he came to our home. I cannot nor will I ever squelch this, because who am I to tell him he is wrong? Who am I to deny him his history? They are part of him, they are part of us, and there is no denying that. Not now, not ever.

We are blessed to have an amazing friendship and connection with our son's Foster Family. He refers to them as Momma xxxx and Daddy xxxxx. We share photos and videos with them via social networking and text. They have been invited to his birthday, school events, sporting events, and to "just because we miss them coffee." They have become a part of our family, and are cherished as such. As a former Foster Parent I can tell you that this is not the normal turn of events. This Foster Family can tell you the same. They have fostered over 75 children in the past 21+ years, and while several still have contact with them many have moved from their home and have never been heard from or seen after. I cannot imagine not having a relationship with Momma xxxx and Daddy xxxxx. For our son, they complete his puzzle. They are a part of his whole story, and a part of his future.

See even though I am one of three mommas to our son, and my husband is one of three daddies, I wouldn't change this situation for the world. The six of us have created, shaped, and molded him into the little man that he is becoming. We have each left our fingerprints on him and those cannot be washed off. I wouldn't change him for anything, I wouldn't blot out any part of his story, because without any one of us he wouldn't be who he is now.

The Princess and the Giant

I had a friend today who asked if we had ever fostered any little girls. We have. Our long-term fosters were all boys, but there were two princess. One stayed with us just a week until a space opened in her old foster home and another was with us just three weeks. Both offered challenges unique to girls, and to themselves.
The one I am thinking of today was nearly two when she came to us. She had so much SASS!
The first day we had her, I realized that we were lacking in little girl clothes. I had one pair of corduroy overalls and a red onesie in her size. But that was it! Not exactly the pink frills and bows that a Princess needs. I dressed her in those clothes that first day, and as soon as nap time for my son and other foster son hit, I left them with my husband. Then I asked her if she wanted to go shopping. The sassy walk to the door and "YES!" was my answer.
At the store, I was browsing the clearance and sales sections for a deal when she approached me with a pair of skinny jeans trimmed in pink stitching. I shuddered at the price, but she was insistent THIS was what she wanted. Laughing at her fashion sense, I made the purchase, figuring that she was worth every penny. Let me tell you she ROCKED those skinny jeans!
My next lesson from this little girl was not so much fun. See at this time I was working part-time (for some wonderful employers) to keep our health insurance benefits. We had a system worked out where my husband would come home and "relieve me" of momma duties so that I could go to work. I hugged the kids and left. Once I got to work I got a call from him that our Princess hadn't stopped crying since I had left. He had called his mom to come and help get her in jammies since she was pacing out of arms reach from him sobbing. I am so thankful for the fact that my mother-in-law was able to come help and stay with him until I got off of work and home four hours later, but she cannot do this every time I have to go to work.
It was the next day at Costco that I devised a plan. I grabbed a Costco sized bag of gummy bears, and informed Princess that these were "Daddy L's" and if she wanted some, she had to ask. I figured that in time she would see that he was safe. When he got home, she came to me and asked for some candy. I told her that they weren't mine, and she walked to L pointing at the top of the fridge. This was a start, so he gave her some...within time she began using her words to ask. Then within a week I walked around the corner to see him sitting cross-legged on the floor reading a book with her in his lap!  SUCCESS!!!
I still don't know what happened to this Princess to make her fearful of men, even my kind-hearted husband. I have my assumptions, but won't share those here. I guess the moral of the story is that each child, whether a foster placement, an adoptive placement, a student in church or school, or a kid on your sports team has their own back story and their own challenges. They are worth it. Figure out how, with time you can meet and over come those challenges with them. I promise, they are so worth it.

Foster Care Goals: Adoption

The final goal is adoption by either the foster parents or a general applicant. IF the parents cannot be reunited with or there are no appropriate relatives, then the child will be placed for adoption with the current foster parents being given priority. This only happens after all other options have been exhausted. This is not a situation to place your hope in. More often than not, you will be sorely disappointed.

In our state this is begun with the foster parent applying for “Current Caretaker” status. This gives you an equality with relatives and places you above general applicants. They view your attachment to said child as being valuable and valid. In some states this status is “gifted” after you have had the child in your home for 6 or 12 months (depending on the state's statute. DISCLAIMER, I am not a lawyer or an expert on your state's laws, educate yourself or contact a lawyer to help you through this). In my current state of residence, it must be applied for. My recommendation would be to not take NO for an answer. Fight for this child as if they are your blood. If you do not, you may second guess that decision for years to come. 

The latter option is a general applicant adoption. In these instances the children's parent's rights have been (or will be) terminated. There are no relatives who are certifiable who have an interest in the child. Lastly, the foster parents do not desire to adopt the child (this maybe because they do not feel called to adopt, there are WONDERFUL FOSTER FAMILIES whose calling is just to be foster families).

Our son was a general applicant adoption. He was published in "the book" for applications from all over to be placed for him. In our instance we were blessed because we had a “significant relationship” with him. Therefore we had an advantage over others applying for him. Our circumstance is rare, it happens infrequently, and honestly is by the very definition, a miracle!

Today I saw a photo shared on WACAP's Facebook page. They quote that 30% of Americans have considered adoption...2% of Americans have actually adopted. There are over 115K kids available for adoption in the United States alone. We all have to start somewhere. Where is your miracle? I know that our son will not be our last child that we adopt. I know that we will adopt again. We are praying that it will happen sooner than later. But we all have to take that first scary step...will you?

P.S. Grab a tissue, this video from the Dave Thomas Foundation will bring tears to your eyes. I'll tell you there is nothing more amazing that the day you meet your child. 

He's Mine

I am a bit behind on this post, but here it is...Three years have gone by since we got that beautiful phone call letting us know that we were selected to be our son's FOREVER FAMILY. I won't lie and say its been all gum drops, jolly ranchers, and laffy taffy. We (like bio-families) have had our ups and downs. I was informed today, while receiving some sass from my son, that my husband doesn't know "WHERE he gets that from." I think he was being sarcastic, but I know where and even though it drives me CRAZY when he gets sassy with me...I can't be prouder of him.
You see, I am a strong-willed individual. I am a fighter, a prayer, and learning to be a "give it up to God"-er. I realize more and more each day that my little sponge is learning from me. The good and the bad. He says some of the same one-liners that I do ("ARE YOU KIDDING ME?"). He stomps his feet and gives me the same looks that I give him. He is also loving and nurturing. When I cry, he runs for the tissues and climbs into my lap. He asks what is wrong, and kisses my cheeks.
I am blessed beyond measure to have him. WE are blessed to have him. He is becoming a bit of each of us and I am proud. We (our son and I, slowly we are converting my husband) are country music fans. I love Rodney Atkins songs, mostly because they speak to me and remind me of who I am and where I came from. (Farmer's Daughter?) One of OUR favorites is "He's Mine" it was my ring tone for a while, and I think it might be time to use it again. I know its written to be about a Dad being proud of his son, but when it plays I sing it to our son. Because he is MINE. He acts just like me. He's stubborn. He's witty. He's sensitive. HE'S MINE.

If you haven't heard the song, check it out HERE.

Also, have you seen the new ad campaign put out by the Dave Thomas Foundation for adopting foster children? Please watch it. I promise it will move you, but grab some tissues before you click HERE.

Foster-Care Goals: Relative Placement

Another goal is placement with relatives. Most offices strive to do this early in the process. Often they do what is called an "emergency certification" to place the child with a relative instead of with a foster family. If the emergency certification cannot be done the same day, the child is placed temporarily with a foster family to be moved within a week or two. These are the most successful relative placements, with the least amount of impact on the child.

What makes relative placements difficult and sometimes time consuming, is the fact that DHS relies heavily on the parents to make a list of potential relatives. If the parents cooperate, this can move swiftly. However, often a parent (or parents) do not want to cooperate in any way, or they only list those that can be beneficial to themselves (relatives they like or believe will be on their side through the process). Some states will use this initial list and dig deeper. They will ask each person on the list if they are uninterested in being a resource if they know of anyone else who maybe interested, thus creating a larger list. There are also states which will go as far as the list and if no suitable relative can be found from that list, call it quits. 

Studies show that relative placements are typically the least disruptive of foster placements. I agree with this statement to an extent. My only complaint is that often this avenue has in the past not been addressed until late in the process. To be truly in the child's best interest the placement needs to happen swiftly and early on. It also needs to take place with a relative that the child is familiar with. Too often I have observed or heard of children after a year or more being moved to a relative that they had little or no contact with prior to the move. This results in the child being confused and traumatized by the move. 

The most successful placements (late in the case) are those in which there have been efforts made for regular visits. I am not saying others cannot or have not been successful, but to ensure it will be easier on the child make the time to visit. Give the child an opportunity to get comfortable with you and your home and know that they will grieve their prior placement. 

Building a Family

When we began this journey we had been told that we would be better candidates for adoption once we became foster parents. Which we did, then we were blessed to adopt our son because of our foster parent certification and our existing relationship with him as his respite care providers. What we didn't realize was that with my husband's recent career change (shortly after we adopted our son), we would be traveling all over the Northwest. It is that lifestyle that has made it harder to adopt other children.
Currently our goal is to spend three weeks per month as a family on the road. Then one week apart, meaning my husband stays to work, and we go home to visit family and friends. In discussing this arrangement with our Adoptive Certifier, we have been told that since they cannot visit us on the road, we cannot adopt.
Our alternative is to spend the majority of every month at home, and "visit" Daddy on the road. Even this will pose a problem as I have been informed that our situation is just "weird" and out of the norm. So when a committee looks at us, they will see a "broken family". Their goal will be to place a child with a "complete family" and so a two-parent living in the same city/county/state family will be more appealing to them.
I have to admit, this is heartbreaking for us. Especially as our son seems to be obsessed with babies. He gets excited when he sees them, and asks all about them. We know our God is bigger than DHS, and we pray and wait for his perfect plan.

Yes, our son has a chocolate milk mustache. ;) Adds to the character of the photo. 

Foster-Care Goals: Reunification

Without breaching confidentiality agreements I can't post much about our foster care experience, I will summarize what can be expected as best as I can. I have heard the term "Foster-Adopt", and even used it to explain our situation. See, we had hoped that we would be blessed to adopt one or more of our foster placements. In hindsight, we (by "we" I mean I was) were wrong to hope this.

Foster care is a temporary situation. As foster parents we are expected to take a child, or in our case five infants/toddlers, love them and attach to them, then be able to let them go. There are some foster parents who are blessed to adopt their foster children, but this is the exception, not the rule. Through the next few posts I will explain the options for a foster-child's permanency. Today beginning with "reunification with parents". 

I was told once that 85% of foster children are reunited with their parents. This takes precedence above all else. So does their attachment to the parent. The child WILL visit with the parents, typically supervised at first. These visits may go wonderfully and have little effect on the child, or may affect them emotionally (nightmares, crying endlessly for mama, or tantrums) or physically (they might sleep for hours or be sick for days on end afterward). I have had kids react in all of these ways. If as a foster parent you think you can interrupt these visits, you are wrong and need to talk to your certifier and worker about the goals they have for foster kids. 

Your job as a foster parent is to calm the child, sooth their concerns, and remain POSITIVE. I cannot state that enough, BE POSITIVE. I don't care how the parent has messed up or abused their child, they are the parent. They are a part of a child, and no child should be told that a part of them is substandard. Their “choices” maybe unacceptable, but THEY as people are not. When you say that their parent is a failure, you tell them essentially that they are a failure. This is what their developing brain hears and understands. 

You may see the parent as unfit, but remember YOU are not the judge. YOUR standards are not what the parents are measured by. Is the child being cared for? Are they safe? Do they have a home? Do they have food? These are minimum requirements and if the answer is yes to these questions, then they are FIT. It is hard, but as a foster-parent, we must rejoice in these successes.

 I must be honest, I still do pray for "my babies". I pray for safety, I pray their needs are met, I pray they know love, and I pray that they are happy. Knowing that my God is looking out for our babies is what I find comfort in. I encourage you (if you have been or will be a foster parent) to find comfort somewhere. Whether it is in God, a counselor, or a good friend. 

A Day of Highs and Lows

 March 1, 2010 was a rather emotional day for us. This was the day that we got our call confirming that we would be adopting our son. That he would be joining us forever in a matter of days (technically a week). We finally got our gift. The child that we desired for so long. We were going to be a FOREVER FAMILY. See this was the high of the day. The ray of sunshine on a day that was also filled with grief.
 As I have mentioned, we have LOVED every child that has been in our home. This was also the day we said good-bye to our first foster baby. He left our home to be reunited with a relative. A couple who truly love him. A couple who cares for him 100% and gives him everything a little boy needs.
 We packed him into the agency van and said good-bye. I wish we had done this differently. We should have taken him to the office ourselves, met his family, shared with them face-to-face, and said our good-byes. Instead a van came to our home, we loaded his belongings, placed him in a car seat, and kissed him good-bye. I had already e-mailed them his schedule, his likes/dislikes, and the signs he used to communicate with us so that they would be prepared for his arrival. What I wasn't prepared for was his face. I will never forget his face as he realized all his belongings were with him in that van. The look of confusion and hurt. I couldn't handle being with him. I ran. I sobbed. I grieved the loss of him.
  As much as I resent the agency for screwing up what should have been the most joyful moment of my life, I am also thankful. As I mentioned our son came home within a few days (we had a planned "respite" visit for him with us). I redecorated the nursery, set up a toddler bed (we agreed with his foster family to transition him to a bed during the transition to our home to make it less painful). We were able to essentially fill our home with our child and focus 100% on him. In hindsight, I see a blessing in disguise.
  I still miss our first baby. He is special and he is being raised by special people who share stories, updates, and photos with us. In turn, I share stories back about our son. Who is also special, and the best gift we've ever gotten.

The Blessings of Being Foster Parents

There is so much good that I can say about our experience as foster parents. We had five beautiful infants and children. They ranged in age from two weeks to two years when they arrived with us. They were each special, and each face is framed in a collage frame on our bedroom wall so that we can pray for them nightly.  

We have fun memories of taking them for their first swim, their first 18 hour road-trip (okay for some this was NOT fun, but still fond memories), first plane ride, first train ride, first vacation, first words, first steps, and first birthdays. One we have his photo of the trip home from the hospital. Another his first time seeing a horse. I have fond memories of a pretty little girl who enthusiastically yelled “YES!” and headed to the door when I asked if she wanted to go shopping. This same princess also picked out her own clothes, I have yet to mother another with such distinct style opinions. I also have pictures of first black-eyes and stitches (thanks to our son and a die-cast train).

These children conditioned and trained us as new parents. They gave us experiences that we might not have had otherwise, like the joy of waking several times a night to feed a newborn or the time you rush in at 2am to lift a crying 15 month old from a crib and have him vomit down your back only to realize he also vomited in his crib. Or the baby who climbs EVERYTHING, who requires you to be in the hallway to remind him to go to bed and not climb out of his crib. I also practiced my pig-tail and braid skills on a couple of princesses.

You see these are unique experiences that we did not have with our son. Things that we would have “missed out on” had we not fostered. Don't misunderstand, we have just as many (probably more) beautiful memories with our son, and so many more to come.

Each was a true blessing to our family, and these stories represent just a fraction of the joy they brought to our lives. Yes, loving kids was the best part of being foster parents. I cannot complain even a moment about them, they were all a gift. I would never trade these memories, or my time with these kids, not for anything.  

What Can I Do?

There is an ad campaign here in the Northwest, a local mattress store holds regular drives for supplies for foster kids. Before school starts they collect school supplies, in the fall they collect winter coats, and year-round they are bringing awareness. Their tag line is "Not everyone can be a foster parent, but anyone can help a foster child." I want to second that statement. ANYONE can help a foster child.
I regularly get questions about how to do this. I want to address that here. Get involved on some level. If you know a foster parent, babysit for them. Take their kids for an evening. You don't know how much this means to them, especially if their kids have special needs, which all foster kids do, that require extra care.
Second, if you have more time sign up to be a respite provider for foster kids. Contact your local DHS office or Children's Services office to learn how to do this. It might require classes, a background check, and finger printing, or it might require less than this. This enables you to care for foster kids overnight or for the weekend. Even though we no longer take placements, I still take babies/toddlers for respite when I am able to. There are very few people a foster family can leave their kids with overnight, become one of those people/families. You never know, you might fall in love...which is how we ended up adopting our son.
Third, you can become a CASA volunteer. A Court Appointed Special Advocate, is someone who is unbiased to either the parent's agenda or the agencies agenda. Their responsibility is to review the case and advocate for the best interests of the child. They work closely with the child's lawyer, case worker, foster parents, and most importantly THE CHILD to figure out what is best for the child. This requires you to attend all family meetings at DHS, visit the child, attend all court hearings, and remain in contact with all who are involved.
Lastly, look into your local Child Welfare laws and advocate for them to be better enforced or changed if need be. If you look at our government and how they allot time for issues, they often focus on those who can vote or those who can support their campaigns (just my humble opinion), which means that children are ignored. Our children are our future and without changes in our system, these children face a very uncertain future. 50% of foster children DO NOT graduate high school and only 3% earn a college degree. WE as a nation need to advocate for better for OUR kids.
"It takes a village to raise a child." Can you help to become that village?

http://www.childwelfare.gov/
http://www.casaforchildren.org/

Being A Foster/Adoptive Mommy: Transitions

While being a foster parent, we had five children come and go as temporary placements. I can tell you now, that we made mistakes. We also learned from those mistakes. I mentioned before having a placement come the night before leaving for a family visit. In hind sight, we were blessed to have a baby that was so "go with the flow". Now I know to take a day or two with a child to adjust to their new surroundings.

This means cancelling scheduled trips, appointments, and staying home. This first baby was plunged into my extended family, but he held tight to the only stability he knew at that moment, my husband and I. He refused to sit on others laps if either of us walked in the room. He cried when we left. I should have noticed these things then, but I will say it aloud, I was inexperienced.

The next child had more one on one time with me, however she was an emotional wreck when I left her with my husband while I went to work two nights later. She didn't take to my husband for several days and wouldn't let him near her if I was not home. I took the rest of the week off after I realized this. Within a few weeks, I left my job all together. In part because these babies needed me more than I needed work.

By the third child, I learned that it was imperative that I give the child time to adjust and adapt. We had a play date scheduled that day, and I chose to stay home so that she wasn't jerked about. This was the easiest transition by far. I am sure her personality had something to do with it, but I also know it was because she had time to adjust.

If you chose to foster or adopt, be sure that you take the time off to help the child adjust to your home. Help them adjust to you and let them grieve whatever they have left behind, even if you feel that this is a better situation. That was their stability and this whole process is scary for them. 

Are These ALL Your Kids?

As a foster parent you often get kids of all ages, its really by divine intervention the children you get and when you get them. We have had multiple placements from multiple families on a few occasions, and this is the question that I get a lot. It usually follows "What are their ages".

One particular occurance happened when we were blessed to have our son, before he was our son, overnight in addition to our foster child. We had received a midnight call for an additional foster child, "Just until Monday". So our home had grown by one. We had family in town this same weekend, and had to get out of the house. See, there were four adults and five children (ages six to one) in our 900 square foot condo, we needed a break.

We walked down to the park to play. While there another family was also playing with their toddler at the same time. The dad asked the, "What are their ages" question, and we could see the wheels turning when we responded. He was doing the math...9 month gestation for each child...it didn't add up, as there was 12 months between the youngest and oldest.

I explained that none of them were "ours" genetically, but our foster children. Which didn't make the situation any more bearable for him. I don't fault him for this. People rarely know how to respond, so typically we just smiled and nodded when we were told that "our" children are beautiful. We do this because they are beautiful. We also do this because we know that we were blessed with "our" children.

You'll also see, I put quotes around "ours" because, in that moment they were ours. Maybe not genetically, and for two of them only for a time, but they were ours to love. Ours to comfort. Ours to nurture. This is our duty, and our responsibility to these kids. In return we are blessed by them ten-fold.  

(Photo taken of our son AFTER our adoption was finalized)

Adoption, Not Just Babies

I apologize for the delay in posting, we as a family are in transition. I read this article today and HAD to share. As you probably already know, I am a BIG ADVOCATE for adoption. There are no words to describe the beauty of it. I realize that not all people want to adopt babies. I have a friend who doesn't want to be awakened at night or deal with diapers. For those people adoption of an older child, namely from Foster Care is a perfect option.
But what happens after adoption, really of any child, is just as important to prepare for as what happens before thy come home. My husband and I are emotionally prepared (as best as we can be) for our child to act out, if he does. We recognize that adoption comes with some challenges. Such as abandonement, development, and even memories of prior abuse. We shouldn't be scared away from loving kids by these things, instead we should prepare for them.
Educate yourself. Seek professional help. Find a support group. These are things that will help your adoption to be successful!
NPR.org » Helping Foster Kids Even After Adoption

When You Least Expect It

 In July of 2009, we had made arrangements to take our Little Buddy home to visit my WHOLE family for the first time. We had our paperwork to leave the state in order, and were counting down the hours until he would be dropped off. I had just one shift left until my Holiday Weekend off from the hotel, and on that Thursday at 3pm I received a call. We were asked to take our first foster baby. They were not sure when the child would come into care. I was told, “it could be today, tomorrow, or a month from now”.

Since there was no definite boundary, I left for work, as my shift started at 4pm. At 3:45pm, I received another call. They had located the child and would be at my home within the half-hour. I arrived at work, arranged for my co-worker to stay late, called my husband, and ran home. The baby was waiting for me with two caseworkers. Within minutes I was handed a baby and a diaper bag. There was an outfit, maybe two, in the bag and enough diapers and formula to get us through the first 24 hours. I now know that this is more than one usually gets with a foster child.

My husband was home by 5pm, and I handed over this confused baby. I left for my shift at work, but was barely able to focus...how could I? In an hour we had become parents!

Remember that we were scheduled to leave for my parents' home the next day? Well, thankfully someone was working late at our Child Welfare office. This angel of a worker stopped at our home at 10pm to drop off the necessary paperwork to show that we were the child's placement and could leave the state with him. The child had been asleep for a few hours by this point, and our Little Buddy had been dropped off hours before so that we could leave first thing in the morning. **First thing, being relative with two infants in our home.  

Livin' on Love, Buyin' on Time

In February of 2009, I had to privilege of introducing this amazing vampire-toothed bundle of joy to my sisters and niece. They had come down for a weekend at the beach, and I had (purposely) double-booked myself with the baby and with them. They immediately fell in love with him, which I knew that they would, and were happy to help me with feeding, changing, and entertaining him. I have many precious photos from that weekend, especially from our walk on the beach, photos that I will cherish forever.

As time wore on, we got to the point where instead of waiting for a call to ask us to babysit, we would call to “borrow the baby”. He was such a joy, that we would make up excuses to have him or to keep him longer than agreed upon. By June we knew that we wanted him, that if he went up for adoption, we had to have him. We thought we would have that answer soon.

In June there was a “permanency hearing” held in regards to him. The name in and of itself, is really deceiving. You would assume that a permanency hearing would decide to future of a child, however in reality the hearing is to ensure that DHS is moving forward (at least in a minimal fashion) and to check on the parents progress in complying with the court's orders. If the parents have done anything then the court can (and often will) extend the amount of time that the parents have to meet the court's requirements. At this point this little boy was 13 months old, and had been with his foster family since he was released from the hospital. By federal mandate, parents of foster children are given 12 months to get it together, or longer if they have made some progress. Since they had made some progress, they were given more time, three months to be exact.

We could wait however. We had our paperwork completed for both adoption and for foster care certification. We had gotten our physicals done, required to adopt any child, to ensure that we were both in good health. And lastly we had our “nursery” set up, complete with a farm-theme! As “expectant parents” went, we were ready...or so we thought.  

Mommy Wars

I might be behind on this, but it seems like a topic that should be addressed. We have all seen the Time Magazine cover, if not...you must not have the same 'mom-friends' that I do. ;) I feel like its important to talk about this as an infertile woman and as a Foster/Adoptive mother.
You see, the day this launched I saw it spring up on SEVERAL of my friend's facebook pages and the discussion ranged from, "Why would you breast-feed a child who will remember it later?" to "Why are we judging this mom's choices." I want to pose another question, "Why are we judging any mom's choices?" Our only questions should be, "Is she hurting her child?" "Are they fed?" "Are they clothed?" And "Are they kept warm at night?"
As an infertile woman, I have never carried a baby in my womb. I have never breast-fed a child, I may never have that chance. I don't co-sleep, I do have a cradle in my bedroom for infants who I foster or do respite for, but my bed is sacred. My son HATED the Ergo, and sobbed every time I tried to put him in it (he was nearly two when he came to us forever). You see, "my babies" came to us at various stages of development, and with various traumas (some more than others). Does my inability to do these things lessen my ability to mother? NO.
What an article like this does to many women is make us feel inferior. Ten years ago, I would've looked at this picture and thought to myself, "I am a failure". I will never be able to do "those" things. My child will not attach to me like "theirs" do. Today I look to this photo and think to myself, "To each her own". We are all doing what we can. I think as women we need to stop comparing, stop complaining, and start supporting and listening. We have so much to offer each other, don't let the media come between us.
While I do not want to launch into a debate on whether or not to use attachment parenting in raising your babies, current or future, I do want to share another link. Kristen Howerton posted a response in the Huffington Post as a response to the EXPLOSION of posts, comments, and media coverage on this cover photo.  I personally can't agree with her more. Let's end the "War" on Mommies who are doing what is best, and instead FIGHT for children locally and globally who hang in limbo.

A Perfect Moment

While in the midst of attending these classes, I approached my friend who has been a long-time foster parent. She had a little boy, who was roughly three months old. I knew this from attending church and being a member of the 'baby snatchers' family. You see when this foster family has a new baby, our family offers to take the baby so that they can enjoy church. ;) This gives us the time to get our 'baby fix' since at this time there were few grand-babies and not enough to go around. Sorry, followed the rabbit trail. I had approached her since we had taken a class or two I felt like we were 'nearly certified' and offered to babysit him for them, if they needed help. She told me that she would keep that in mind.
A few weeks later she took me up on that offer, and I brought home a baby boy for the afternoon. We cuddled him, snuggled him, fed him (probably too much), and LOVED on him. It was an afternoon that I will remember forever. At one point he got fussy, probably because I was all up in his face with a bottle, and my husband took him. He held him in the crook of his arm and they 'played video games' together. The baby was content, like he belonged there.

The Classes to Talk You Out of This

Roughly two months after our initial meeting we were sitting in a classroom for our first class. We were fortunate enough to get in on weekend classes, when DHS was still offering them. These classes ran three hours on Friday, eight hours on Saturday, and eight hours on Sunday. They were carried out for two consecutive weekends. On the first day of our class we were asked to state our names, birth order, and what our end-goal was for taking these classes. You see, our instructor believed in (and so do I) the fact that your rank in your family, or your birth-order, helps shape who you are as an adult. She also wanted to get a feel for our class, what we hoped to get out of this. There were really four options as far as goals go, Foster, Foster-Adopt, Adopt, or Relative Care. My husband and I were half-way around the room, and really didn't know if we were there to adopt or foster-adopt, we had kicked both options around, but hadn't come to a conclusion. By the time that she made it to us, we had decided, Foster-Adopt.

She also shared a lot of her history. Our instructor was a former-foster child, she had a degree in psychology, and was also an adoptive mother. If you ask me, she is a rare person to have in Child-Welfare, but the perfect person to be there. She shared her own story of abuse, healing, and parenting. She was able to use her own life as an example of what foster kids endure. I won't go into details, as I don't have her permission, but to say my heart was broken for her and these children would be an understatement. 

These classes, essentially prepared us for "worse-case scenarios". They covered physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. They also covered neglect, which is hard to identify on its own, but is just as damaging. The classes themselves seemed to be designed to prepare you for horrible things to see, hear, and experience through these kids. In the end we weren't scared off, we wanted to fight for these kids. 

Tell Us About this Adoption Thing

Roughly four years ago we moved back into our condo. Somehow over the past six years this has become "home-base" but that is another story for another time. Our condo is roughly 900 square feet, I'd say its more on the "roughly" side of 900, meaning its smaller than. It is a small 3-bedroom, one bath unit with NO OUTDOOR SPACE. We had three dogs at that time, and while life was okay, we felt like we weren't complete and we really needed to go for this "Adoption Thing". So again, I called up our DHS office and this time scheduled an appointment with a representative from their office. Within a week or so she was sitting on our couch with us discussing Foster-care and Adoption. The highlights of the conversation included the fact that we have "No children" of our own. Therefore, we would not be "as strong of candidates" to adopt "THEIR KIDDOS" since our parenting experience was non-existent. You see, when you adopt a child they often come with baggage (especially from foster care). This might not be visible immediately, but they must be handled with care. There maybe feelings of loss or abandonment down the road or immediately; they may have physical or mental delays/limitations; or they may have memories of abuse and neglect in their prior home. For these reasons DHS would look at us and ask, "You haven't parented 'normal kids' how do you expect to be able to parent 'ours'?" Harsh, yes. Right, probably not. Since when is a government agency not biased? The second piece that has stuck with me forever, and probably the ONE thing that I should have listened better to, was her statement about attachment. She told us that DHS "asks foster parents to do the impossible, to love a child completely and attach to them, but be willing to let go". You see, attachment is necessary for kids development. A child learns to trust the adults who care for them, and that builds the base for them to attach to others as they get older. A child who is not given an opportunity to attach, may struggle in all relationships as they get older. In essence, they may stop reaching out since they have not had their emotional needs met. We knew we could love kids selflessly, there was no question of that. After our conversation she suggested an upcoming foster parent certification class. This class is 40 hours of intense training on child development, behaviors, addiction, neglect, abuse, and the system. She suggested that maybe we should attend this to help us decide which direction to go. As she left, we asked her to sign us up.

A Bit of Your Heart

I apologize for occasionally "skipping around" in our story, but today my heart is heavy with a concept that few understand. I have been told before, when my heart is aching for foster children who have left my home, that "This is what you signed up for". And while that statement is true, it doesn't make it easier.
My husband and I have been foster parents for nearly three years and while time helps bring acceptance, you never truly heal from the pain of having a child that you truly love leave your home. This last week has been especially difficult for me as two of "my" babies have been ill or had medical procedures done. You see while they are not legally mine, and not biologically born of my body, they still embody a piece of my heart.
For a mother Who has spent nights awake with a child, or kissed their boo-boos when they have fallen, there is something chemically that happens. It is natural to attach, and necessary for that child's development for this to take place. Over time (as the child grows and matures) we let go, we raise them, teach them, and when they are of age allow them to leave our home. This is where the difference is, as a foster parent one must not only attach to that child and love them as our own, but be prepared to let go long before they are ready for the real world. Its unnatural, and not something to enter into lightly.
I will never say that I regret being a foster parent. I loved every baby as though they were my own. I treat them with the same love that I show my son. I also never knew how much they would mean to me. I thought I could compartmentalize and be realistic.
I never got the statement that a "Child is a piece of your heart walking around outside your body" until after I became a mother. I can now say that I understand this statement and while "this is what I signed up for" I never knew the pain of letting go before this point.
As I have said before, this journey is not pain-free. We each chose our routes to the same end of FAMILY. I encourage each of you to examine your heart and chose what is best for you, your spouse, and your children. Be prepared for heartache, as it seems to be common place with joy and love. Lastly, be prepared to give up little bits of your heart and see them walking around outside of your body. I guess that is advice to give to ALL parents, not just us on this journey through infertility.