Out in the Open

So, I was wrong...things don't slow down with a Kindergartner. Soccer, swimming, and trips to visit family. We pretty much run non-stop. I apologize. Maybe I will make this blog part of my list of New Year's Resolutions (does anyone actually follow-through on those?), maybe this time I can stick to it. Now to post what I really wanted to share. 

I promised to share the next stop in our fertility journey with you. Nearly two years ago, I went under the knife. Some of you are friends and thinking, "Wait a minute, when did this happen?" It did. I am confessing. I had exploratory surgery to see if my tubes could be untangled in April 2012 and I kept it a secret.

Some of you are thinking, wait she said she'd be honest. I am being honest, just not at the moment. See, even with educating the public (which is what I believe this blog to be) about infertility, people still question. I didn't want to get your hopes up that I would be carrying a baby soon. Honestly, I didn't want to get mine up either.

So the results? I am still not pregnant. As a matter of fact my doc told my husband (as I was in recovery) that she "wouldn't call the surgery successful". She had to literally hunt through scar tissue to find my ovaries, then untangle my fallopian tubes to examine them. She also told him that we need to be thankful that I am alive. Which I am.

What does this mean for building our family? We essentially have two choices, IVF (or I think IUF could work too) or adopt. We have never shut the door on adoption. Honestly, I think that will be our next step when the timing is right. We always knew that we would adopt at least once more. We are also more open to the idea of IVF or IUF. It just will take more time (and resources) to get there.

In all, we are not swayed nor dismayed because we know our challenges are light and momentary.

Rant!

Okay, first of all FORGIVE ME! I have been away, well really I have been home and without internet. To say the least the past year has been a year of changes and (I believe) it is about to settle down, or speed up. I HAVE A KINDERGARTNER! Never thought I would be here...seriously, at one point, NEVER. 
But this isn't the purpose of my post. I am here to rant. See, I pin and I facebook (doesn't everyone?). With my facebooking and pinning I follow some adoption, infertility, and parenting stuff. Did you know that facebook follows you? Seriously, post something about bunnies. All of a sudden you'll have ads referring to BUNNIES in your newsfeed. Go ahead, I'll wait while you do this. Back? Okay. I post about being a mom, occasionally about being an adoptive mom, and sometimes about being infertile. Its no secret, I talk about it. This helps me heal and deal. 
Tonight (just less than five minutes ago) while checking my newsfeed I saw an ad talking about how this one woman "healed" herself of infertility and "you can too!" Umm? Excuse me? A one-size-fits-all answer. Okay, I scanned it and the author claims her holistic approach will help you conceive in two months or less. Okay...So you are going to tell me to care for my body and my tubes, which are riddled with scar tissue from an appendectomy are going to magically "open up"? Yeah, I am skeptical. 
I am not going to say it doesn't work, honestly I just scanned it. But I am a touch doubtful. I have tried holistic. I did accupuncture, and am thinking of doing it again. If not for the benefits of pregnancy, for the benefits of relaxation. (Did I ever tell you about the time I left the accupuncture office and ended up at the grocery store unsure how I got there???) AMAZING. 
I guess what I am tired of (and maybe this person isn't doing this, maybe it really works) is people taking advantage of those of us who are hurting. Giving false reassurances. The televangelist asking for money to pray for and heal you. The diet pill that will make you look like a super model. Maybe I am cynical, but I just.don't.buy.it. 
Yes I pray. I beg for another child. But in the next breath I am thankful for the beautiful son we have. I recognize that even if he is our ONLY, he has an amazing extended family of cousins to grow up with. I want a baby, I still take prenatals. I pin baby-related items. I have a board for "if we have a little girl". I track my ovulation. And in a future post (I promise soon) I will tell you about our most recent attempt at having a baby. I just don't want empty promises. Like I said, I've not researched it, but it smells of "snake oil". Maybe my lesson is to research better but like I said, I am tired of "quick fixes". 

FIVE!

I know some of you are still battling with building a family, so please don't take offense at my posts about our son. I have always said from day one that this is our journey, and part of that journey is celebration. Some chose IVF, some chose adoption, some foster, some have furr-babies, and others chose to live child-free. I will never judge your choices, but I do feel that part of our journey is to live in the moment and celebrate...That being said, this will be a Momma Brag post.

FIVE! We now have a FIVE-YEAR-OLD little man. I swear in the past week he has matured tenfold. Seriously, from things like him informing me that he "has enough toys" and wants to "put (his birthday money) in his pig(gy bank)". To him taking off with his morning chores. Gets dressed, brushes his teeth, and feeds the dogs with me having to ask just once! (You do know I am going to have to nag him about this tomorrow, that is how it works when you brag on your kids, they have to remind you that they are little humans.)
He is enrolled in Kindergarten and eager for the possibility of soccer in the fall! He uses his manners 95% of the time, and loves his friends.
Is he perfect, no. But he is growing into a gentleman, "just like Daddy".
Tonight as we left his friend's house, she ran out the door to get a kiss. Not just from me, actually I think I may have been an after thought. No, she wanted a kiss from our son. Feels like yesterday we were doing respite with him, today he is doing his own chores, and tomorrow I will be photographing him on his way to prom with his best friend.
Happy Birthday to my Baby, my Punkin, and forever my best friend.

Mother's Day 2013

Recently some mommie-friends of mine shared (via facebook) a blog post on Mother's Day. I have to admit it hit home for me on so many levels.

First of all, I cannot tell you how many Mother's Days (lying, it was EIGHT) that I either avoided church and spent the rest of the day in tears or went and spent the rest of the day in tears. To cope with this pain my husband and I lovingly coined the term "Woman's Day" and "Man Day" to be able to celebrate each other.

Secondly, I have been thinking a lot about our son's "Tummy Momma" (and all mothers who have children that they do not raise because of adoption) as of late. I have considered how hard this holiday, which coincidentally was the day of our son's birth five years ago, may be for her and how it may give her mixed emotions.

She may think of him on Mother's Day as the son she gave life to, but I raise. She may remember the joy of having him, so small and perfect, and the pain of letting him go nearly two years later.

Does her heart ache when the pastor of her church asks all Mothers to rise? Does she get up? Does she avoid church as I did? I can't tell you a straight answer about it, but my heart aches for her.

If my son's "Tummy-Momma" were reading this today, I would love to tell her thank you. Thank you for birthing such a dear sweet boy. Thank you for giving him his big eyes and unruly hair. Please know, that today (and many others) I am praying for you. Thank you.

P.S. After sharing the "Open Letter to Pastor's" post with my friends (and also a dear friend who is a pastor) this was our church's pastors response. I hope it touches you in the same way it touched me. Much love and prayers for you today.

Made for TV Drama

In some ways I feel like our journey is a made for TV drama. I feel like I should be on Lifetime or the Hallmark channel. I feel like the "Happily Ever After" should happen any moment, but life isn't like that. We chose to live our lives, we make our choices, and we chose what our happily ever after looks like. Mine isn't perfect, but its mine.

However when I stop to think about my TRUE happily ever after, I see a cherub faced almost five year old eating PB&N (peanut butter and nutella), who loves his "bideo" game (Lightning McQueen racing), Spiderman, and his Daddy. He sneaks sips of coffee and on more than one occasion has been guilty of guzzling nearly $5 worth of a white chocolate mocha!

My goals for my happily ever after are (as one friend succinctly put them) "cautiously optimistic". I have dreams of him following in his Daddy's hooks. I want to see him climb power poles and steel structures, but I also know that he may never get to that level. I encourage him to be whatever he wants to be. I pray for his future wife (if he has one). I look toward his future with optimism, but at the same time realistically.

You see, our son has delays in communication. We have made some GREAT strides, and he has come a long way, but many people still don't understand him. Often we wonder if he really understands us all the time. I dream of raising the next Albert Einstein (who also has been credited with slow language development) or at least seeing him grow into a pair of climbing boots, but also must work on today. With those dreams in mind, my happily ever after and I work towards age-appropriate communication.

I challenge you, in your journey, to take time to consider what your happily ever after may look like. I challenge you to look forward to it, and meet the challenges head on. Do not get frustrated with road blocks, but overcome them.

The Princess and the Giant

I had a friend today who asked if we had ever fostered any little girls. We have. Our long-term fosters were all boys, but there were two princess. One stayed with us just a week until a space opened in her old foster home and another was with us just three weeks. Both offered challenges unique to girls, and to themselves.
The one I am thinking of today was nearly two when she came to us. She had so much SASS!
The first day we had her, I realized that we were lacking in little girl clothes. I had one pair of corduroy overalls and a red onesie in her size. But that was it! Not exactly the pink frills and bows that a Princess needs. I dressed her in those clothes that first day, and as soon as nap time for my son and other foster son hit, I left them with my husband. Then I asked her if she wanted to go shopping. The sassy walk to the door and "YES!" was my answer.
At the store, I was browsing the clearance and sales sections for a deal when she approached me with a pair of skinny jeans trimmed in pink stitching. I shuddered at the price, but she was insistent THIS was what she wanted. Laughing at her fashion sense, I made the purchase, figuring that she was worth every penny. Let me tell you she ROCKED those skinny jeans!
My next lesson from this little girl was not so much fun. See at this time I was working part-time (for some wonderful employers) to keep our health insurance benefits. We had a system worked out where my husband would come home and "relieve me" of momma duties so that I could go to work. I hugged the kids and left. Once I got to work I got a call from him that our Princess hadn't stopped crying since I had left. He had called his mom to come and help get her in jammies since she was pacing out of arms reach from him sobbing. I am so thankful for the fact that my mother-in-law was able to come help and stay with him until I got off of work and home four hours later, but she cannot do this every time I have to go to work.
It was the next day at Costco that I devised a plan. I grabbed a Costco sized bag of gummy bears, and informed Princess that these were "Daddy L's" and if she wanted some, she had to ask. I figured that in time she would see that he was safe. When he got home, she came to me and asked for some candy. I told her that they weren't mine, and she walked to L pointing at the top of the fridge. This was a start, so he gave her some...within time she began using her words to ask. Then within a week I walked around the corner to see him sitting cross-legged on the floor reading a book with her in his lap!  SUCCESS!!!
I still don't know what happened to this Princess to make her fearful of men, even my kind-hearted husband. I have my assumptions, but won't share those here. I guess the moral of the story is that each child, whether a foster placement, an adoptive placement, a student in church or school, or a kid on your sports team has their own back story and their own challenges. They are worth it. Figure out how, with time you can meet and over come those challenges with them. I promise, they are so worth it.

Foster Care Goals: Adoption

The final goal is adoption by either the foster parents or a general applicant. IF the parents cannot be reunited with or there are no appropriate relatives, then the child will be placed for adoption with the current foster parents being given priority. This only happens after all other options have been exhausted. This is not a situation to place your hope in. More often than not, you will be sorely disappointed.

In our state this is begun with the foster parent applying for “Current Caretaker” status. This gives you an equality with relatives and places you above general applicants. They view your attachment to said child as being valuable and valid. In some states this status is “gifted” after you have had the child in your home for 6 or 12 months (depending on the state's statute. DISCLAIMER, I am not a lawyer or an expert on your state's laws, educate yourself or contact a lawyer to help you through this). In my current state of residence, it must be applied for. My recommendation would be to not take NO for an answer. Fight for this child as if they are your blood. If you do not, you may second guess that decision for years to come. 

The latter option is a general applicant adoption. In these instances the children's parent's rights have been (or will be) terminated. There are no relatives who are certifiable who have an interest in the child. Lastly, the foster parents do not desire to adopt the child (this maybe because they do not feel called to adopt, there are WONDERFUL FOSTER FAMILIES whose calling is just to be foster families).

Our son was a general applicant adoption. He was published in "the book" for applications from all over to be placed for him. In our instance we were blessed because we had a “significant relationship” with him. Therefore we had an advantage over others applying for him. Our circumstance is rare, it happens infrequently, and honestly is by the very definition, a miracle!

Today I saw a photo shared on WACAP's Facebook page. They quote that 30% of Americans have considered adoption...2% of Americans have actually adopted. There are over 115K kids available for adoption in the United States alone. We all have to start somewhere. Where is your miracle? I know that our son will not be our last child that we adopt. I know that we will adopt again. We are praying that it will happen sooner than later. But we all have to take that first scary step...will you?

P.S. Grab a tissue, this video from the Dave Thomas Foundation will bring tears to your eyes. I'll tell you there is nothing more amazing that the day you meet your child. 

He's Mine

I am a bit behind on this post, but here it is...Three years have gone by since we got that beautiful phone call letting us know that we were selected to be our son's FOREVER FAMILY. I won't lie and say its been all gum drops, jolly ranchers, and laffy taffy. We (like bio-families) have had our ups and downs. I was informed today, while receiving some sass from my son, that my husband doesn't know "WHERE he gets that from." I think he was being sarcastic, but I know where and even though it drives me CRAZY when he gets sassy with me...I can't be prouder of him.
You see, I am a strong-willed individual. I am a fighter, a prayer, and learning to be a "give it up to God"-er. I realize more and more each day that my little sponge is learning from me. The good and the bad. He says some of the same one-liners that I do ("ARE YOU KIDDING ME?"). He stomps his feet and gives me the same looks that I give him. He is also loving and nurturing. When I cry, he runs for the tissues and climbs into my lap. He asks what is wrong, and kisses my cheeks.
I am blessed beyond measure to have him. WE are blessed to have him. He is becoming a bit of each of us and I am proud. We (our son and I, slowly we are converting my husband) are country music fans. I love Rodney Atkins songs, mostly because they speak to me and remind me of who I am and where I came from. (Farmer's Daughter?) One of OUR favorites is "He's Mine" it was my ring tone for a while, and I think it might be time to use it again. I know its written to be about a Dad being proud of his son, but when it plays I sing it to our son. Because he is MINE. He acts just like me. He's stubborn. He's witty. He's sensitive. HE'S MINE.

If you haven't heard the song, check it out HERE.

Also, have you seen the new ad campaign put out by the Dave Thomas Foundation for adopting foster children? Please watch it. I promise it will move you, but grab some tissues before you click HERE.

Bitter Sweet Words

I have been dealing with a lot of heartache lately over not being able to provide a sibling for our son (4 1/2). He has asked, like most kids his age, for a brother or a sister. For some families this is no big deal, you talk about it, try (or don't), and give an answer. Obviously, you don't give the GRAPHIC answer, however I think many kids his age would get the where do babies come from talk, knowing our son he wouldn't. As parents who are infertile, its not an easy answer. We could try to adopt again, however at this point in our lives we have been told that is not an avenue we can go down with out some living arrangement changes. Even with the most basic of changes, it would be difficult. We could try to conceive on our own, which is always an option, however at this point not an affordable one.

Lately, my heartache has been exasperated by five little words. "Will you play with me?" They are bitter sweet. Sweet because he still wants me around! However, our child is lonely. He asks my husband and myself regularly to get down on his level and play with him. Whether it is Lincoln Logs, Thomas, GI Joe's, or just a simple sword fight (thank you He-Man and Peter Pan), he is looking for a playmate. Some of you are saying, "Take advantage of this! And we do, however we also know that at some point (and on some level currently) he wants someone he can relate to. Someone who gets him. Someone who can play make-believe and REALLY get into it. Someone who isn't jaded with the stress of being an adult on their shoulder.

Our son is looking for his Peter Pan. His playmate, someone who hasn't grown up yet. Won't grow up for some time. Who can invent imaginary worlds with green tigers who change into Battle Cats. Who can see the swing-set as a castle to defend. Where rugs are islands in an ocean filled with sharks or a river of lava. This is my desire for him too. I DO CHERISH every moment of snuggles, playing, and learning with him. But I know in some ways I am not enough.

I have also watched him play this past week with cousins and friends. My son has no concept of sharing. See what you want and take it is his idea of sharing. Taking turns is foreign to him. This is another way that I would love to bless him. I want him to grow into that person who understands how to share. I don't want him to be selfish. I don't want him to struggle with having a roommate in college, or sharing an apartment.

To be honest, I also want a second best friend for me. Our son is my best friend. He is my day in and day out, but the joy of having a second child to love and cherish...I've had it before, and I miss it. I know someday we will have another, at least I PRAY that we do. For our son's sake I pray it is sooner than later. He deserves a best friend who can keep up with him.  

Foster-Care Goals: Relative Placement

Another goal is placement with relatives. Most offices strive to do this early in the process. Often they do what is called an "emergency certification" to place the child with a relative instead of with a foster family. If the emergency certification cannot be done the same day, the child is placed temporarily with a foster family to be moved within a week or two. These are the most successful relative placements, with the least amount of impact on the child.

What makes relative placements difficult and sometimes time consuming, is the fact that DHS relies heavily on the parents to make a list of potential relatives. If the parents cooperate, this can move swiftly. However, often a parent (or parents) do not want to cooperate in any way, or they only list those that can be beneficial to themselves (relatives they like or believe will be on their side through the process). Some states will use this initial list and dig deeper. They will ask each person on the list if they are uninterested in being a resource if they know of anyone else who maybe interested, thus creating a larger list. There are also states which will go as far as the list and if no suitable relative can be found from that list, call it quits. 

Studies show that relative placements are typically the least disruptive of foster placements. I agree with this statement to an extent. My only complaint is that often this avenue has in the past not been addressed until late in the process. To be truly in the child's best interest the placement needs to happen swiftly and early on. It also needs to take place with a relative that the child is familiar with. Too often I have observed or heard of children after a year or more being moved to a relative that they had little or no contact with prior to the move. This results in the child being confused and traumatized by the move. 

The most successful placements (late in the case) are those in which there have been efforts made for regular visits. I am not saying others cannot or have not been successful, but to ensure it will be easier on the child make the time to visit. Give the child an opportunity to get comfortable with you and your home and know that they will grieve their prior placement. 

Building a Family

When we began this journey we had been told that we would be better candidates for adoption once we became foster parents. Which we did, then we were blessed to adopt our son because of our foster parent certification and our existing relationship with him as his respite care providers. What we didn't realize was that with my husband's recent career change (shortly after we adopted our son), we would be traveling all over the Northwest. It is that lifestyle that has made it harder to adopt other children.
Currently our goal is to spend three weeks per month as a family on the road. Then one week apart, meaning my husband stays to work, and we go home to visit family and friends. In discussing this arrangement with our Adoptive Certifier, we have been told that since they cannot visit us on the road, we cannot adopt.
Our alternative is to spend the majority of every month at home, and "visit" Daddy on the road. Even this will pose a problem as I have been informed that our situation is just "weird" and out of the norm. So when a committee looks at us, they will see a "broken family". Their goal will be to place a child with a "complete family" and so a two-parent living in the same city/county/state family will be more appealing to them.
I have to admit, this is heartbreaking for us. Especially as our son seems to be obsessed with babies. He gets excited when he sees them, and asks all about them. We know our God is bigger than DHS, and we pray and wait for his perfect plan.

Yes, our son has a chocolate milk mustache. ;) Adds to the character of the photo. 

Foster-Care Goals: Reunification

Without breaching confidentiality agreements I can't post much about our foster care experience, I will summarize what can be expected as best as I can. I have heard the term "Foster-Adopt", and even used it to explain our situation. See, we had hoped that we would be blessed to adopt one or more of our foster placements. In hindsight, we (by "we" I mean I was) were wrong to hope this.

Foster care is a temporary situation. As foster parents we are expected to take a child, or in our case five infants/toddlers, love them and attach to them, then be able to let them go. There are some foster parents who are blessed to adopt their foster children, but this is the exception, not the rule. Through the next few posts I will explain the options for a foster-child's permanency. Today beginning with "reunification with parents". 

I was told once that 85% of foster children are reunited with their parents. This takes precedence above all else. So does their attachment to the parent. The child WILL visit with the parents, typically supervised at first. These visits may go wonderfully and have little effect on the child, or may affect them emotionally (nightmares, crying endlessly for mama, or tantrums) or physically (they might sleep for hours or be sick for days on end afterward). I have had kids react in all of these ways. If as a foster parent you think you can interrupt these visits, you are wrong and need to talk to your certifier and worker about the goals they have for foster kids. 

Your job as a foster parent is to calm the child, sooth their concerns, and remain POSITIVE. I cannot state that enough, BE POSITIVE. I don't care how the parent has messed up or abused their child, they are the parent. They are a part of a child, and no child should be told that a part of them is substandard. Their “choices” maybe unacceptable, but THEY as people are not. When you say that their parent is a failure, you tell them essentially that they are a failure. This is what their developing brain hears and understands. 

You may see the parent as unfit, but remember YOU are not the judge. YOUR standards are not what the parents are measured by. Is the child being cared for? Are they safe? Do they have a home? Do they have food? These are minimum requirements and if the answer is yes to these questions, then they are FIT. It is hard, but as a foster-parent, we must rejoice in these successes.

 I must be honest, I still do pray for "my babies". I pray for safety, I pray their needs are met, I pray they know love, and I pray that they are happy. Knowing that my God is looking out for our babies is what I find comfort in. I encourage you (if you have been or will be a foster parent) to find comfort somewhere. Whether it is in God, a counselor, or a good friend.