Saturday, April 28, 2012
Adoption: The Paperwork
In 2007, shortly after realizing that we were most likely not going to conceive without medical assistance, we contacted some family friends. These are people that my in-laws have known for YEARS, who are foster parents and they have also adopted a few children. I inquired about adoption, and they directed us to our local DHS: Child Welfare office.
I contacted this agency and after a short (lunch-break) phone conversation was sent a "packet" of paperwork, which I was instructed to fill out and return for another "packet". Now I want to make sure that "packet" is a term I would give to an elementary school kid's homework assignment, this was no packet. This was a novel...background check forms, income statements, family history, and blood-samples. Okay, I am exaggerating at the blood samples, but it felt like they wanted BLOOD! I proceeded to fill this paperwork out, and somewhere in the midst of figuring our our household income vs. our debt (think buying a house), got overwhelmed. The packet was set aside and left.
This was for the best as during this time we were leasing a house that needed a lot of work...really, it was not a place to bring a child into (I don't know how we end up committing to OLD houses that are falling apart, each more-so than the last!). In addition to this we were renting our condo to a family, and that situation took a lot of work. I had also taken a promotion with my company, that was not conducive to my lifestyle. To say that we were ready to adopt at this point would be a lie.
Honestly looking back, we were not in the right place to be parents, especially parents of foster-children. Not saying that we couldn't make it work, but we had so much other "stuff" going on that it would've been a stressful experience. I believe that there is a purpose to my life, and at that point we were not ready for the responsibility of parenthood. So, we tabled, or burned the "packet". By this point I didn't feel like it could be turned in anyhow, it was half filled out in black ink and half filled out in two different shades of blue ink. Yeah, it was not ready to be turned in.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Hi, My Name is Karen and I am Infertile
Seriously, I am. But you already knew that. I was silent, but you knew that too. What I am learning to be is a listener. Honestly, this is what I feel that I am being taught. Since beginning this documentation, this blog of my life that I have lived for the past dozen years, I have been learning to not only share, but to listen.
This is what I've heard, this is an epidemic. Men, women, and couples everywhere are struggling with this. I get misty-eyed just considering the number of people who have approached me in the past year asking for advice and direction. Questions ranging from, "Does it get easier?" to "How do I begin the adoption process?" to "Who did you see as a fertility specialist?" Often I am blessed to hear their story or the story of their loved one.
I say "blessed" because when someone opens up and talks about their infertility story I do not take that lightly. I think back to the women who I shared the secrets of our battle with and consider what they did that made it so easy to essentially dump such a heavy topic on them, and what I continually come back to is the fact that they listened. They didn't talk or give suggestions, they were quiet and let me vent. When that was over, they prayed for me, hugged me, and told me that they loved me. Now its my turn and I am trying to do the same. I will pray for you, listen, cyber-hug, and love you.
This is how I picture a meeting for addicts (sorry, my reference is limited to what I see depicted in Hollywood). "Hi, My name is Karen and I am infertile." I see a group of people who accept me. Even if they haven't walked the same path, they empathize. They listen to my story, in its entirety. Finally they don't judge me as the "crazy-woman" (that honestly, I know I am).
This is what I desire for all of us. Whether its in infertility, divorce, death, or depression. Be there for that person, listen, hug them, and let them know that they are loved. This is my #1 advice to man-kind. I am so blessed to have a loving family (in-laws included), wonderful friends, and a very understanding husband.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
A Bit of Your Heart
I apologize for occasionally "skipping around" in our story, but today my heart is heavy with a concept that few understand. I have been told before, when my heart is aching for foster children who have left my home, that "This is what you signed up for". And while that statement is true, it doesn't make it easier.
My husband and I have been foster parents for nearly three years and while time helps bring acceptance, you never truly heal from the pain of having a child that you truly love leave your home. This last week has been especially difficult for me as two of "my" babies have been ill or had medical procedures done. You see while they are not legally mine, and not biologically born of my body, they still embody a piece of my heart.
For a mother Who has spent nights awake with a child, or kissed their boo-boos when they have fallen, there is something chemically that happens. It is natural to attach, and necessary for that child's development for this to take place. Over time (as the child grows and matures) we let go, we raise them, teach them, and when they are of age allow them to leave our home. This is where the difference is, as a foster parent one must not only attach to that child and love them as our own, but be prepared to let go long before they are ready for the real world. Its unnatural, and not something to enter into lightly.
I will never say that I regret being a foster parent. I loved every baby as though they were my own. I treat them with the same love that I show my son. I also never knew how much they would mean to me. I thought I could compartmentalize and be realistic.
I never got the statement that a "Child is a piece of your heart walking around outside your body" until after I became a mother. I can now say that I understand this statement and while "this is what I signed up for" I never knew the pain of letting go before this point.
As I have said before, this journey is not pain-free. We each chose our routes to the same end of FAMILY. I encourage each of you to examine your heart and chose what is best for you, your spouse, and your children. Be prepared for heartache, as it seems to be common place with joy and love. Lastly, be prepared to give up little bits of your heart and see them walking around outside of your body. I guess that is advice to give to ALL parents, not just us on this journey through infertility.
My husband and I have been foster parents for nearly three years and while time helps bring acceptance, you never truly heal from the pain of having a child that you truly love leave your home. This last week has been especially difficult for me as two of "my" babies have been ill or had medical procedures done. You see while they are not legally mine, and not biologically born of my body, they still embody a piece of my heart.
For a mother Who has spent nights awake with a child, or kissed their boo-boos when they have fallen, there is something chemically that happens. It is natural to attach, and necessary for that child's development for this to take place. Over time (as the child grows and matures) we let go, we raise them, teach them, and when they are of age allow them to leave our home. This is where the difference is, as a foster parent one must not only attach to that child and love them as our own, but be prepared to let go long before they are ready for the real world. Its unnatural, and not something to enter into lightly.
I will never say that I regret being a foster parent. I loved every baby as though they were my own. I treat them with the same love that I show my son. I also never knew how much they would mean to me. I thought I could compartmentalize and be realistic.
I never got the statement that a "Child is a piece of your heart walking around outside your body" until after I became a mother. I can now say that I understand this statement and while "this is what I signed up for" I never knew the pain of letting go before this point.
As I have said before, this journey is not pain-free. We each chose our routes to the same end of FAMILY. I encourage each of you to examine your heart and chose what is best for you, your spouse, and your children. Be prepared for heartache, as it seems to be common place with joy and love. Lastly, be prepared to give up little bits of your heart and see them walking around outside of your body. I guess that is advice to give to ALL parents, not just us on this journey through infertility.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Having "THE TALK"
After I had the dye test, I was somewhat excited...according to the tech this could be fixed. When we arrived at my Fertility Doc's office, reality set it. Sitting in her office, thankfully she has an actual office to meet in and not on a cold table, we chatted about the dye test results. She felt because a combination of things, that my chances of conceiving IF she could clear my tubes would be less than 20% in the first year. Those chances would then continue to decline over time. She also told me that I have a "beautiful uterus" (you don't hear that everyday) and that she has no doubts that I could carry a baby to term.
Her response to my situation was an IVF, ICSI. This is where they essentially harvest my eggs and implant (using a needle) his semen into each egg. She felt that this was the most successful of procedures (even in couples with normal sperm counts), but it comes with a cost. At that time the cost was $12,000. We didn't have that kind of money, and our insurance (which was only $10K to diagnose) was nearly used up. In addition to the financial piece to it, we were not comfortable with that procedure, especially if there were children waiting to be adopted. (PLEASE don't take this as criticism...IF you are going through an IVF, we believe that each family must make whatever decision that they are comfortable with. I cannot tell you what to do with your own body, I simply must make decisions based upon what I feel is best for me and my family.)
One thing I love about this doctor is her emphasis on making informed, educated, and well thought out decisions. She tells you to leave her office and discuss it. She encouraged us to do so with the IVF and also offered brochures on adoption. I really appreciate someone who even though they have a preferred route that they'd rather you take, allows you to make decisions on your own.
Honestly, we left her office empty handed and a little saddened, but better equipped to make our next decision on what to do on this journey. I believe that as a doctor, she did her job. She was informative and thorough. I couldn't thank her more for that.
For more info on IVF, ICSI I recommend that you start here:
http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/guide/intracytoplasmic-sperm-injection-for-infertility
Her response to my situation was an IVF, ICSI. This is where they essentially harvest my eggs and implant (using a needle) his semen into each egg. She felt that this was the most successful of procedures (even in couples with normal sperm counts), but it comes with a cost. At that time the cost was $12,000. We didn't have that kind of money, and our insurance (which was only $10K to diagnose) was nearly used up. In addition to the financial piece to it, we were not comfortable with that procedure, especially if there were children waiting to be adopted. (PLEASE don't take this as criticism...IF you are going through an IVF, we believe that each family must make whatever decision that they are comfortable with. I cannot tell you what to do with your own body, I simply must make decisions based upon what I feel is best for me and my family.)
One thing I love about this doctor is her emphasis on making informed, educated, and well thought out decisions. She tells you to leave her office and discuss it. She encouraged us to do so with the IVF and also offered brochures on adoption. I really appreciate someone who even though they have a preferred route that they'd rather you take, allows you to make decisions on your own.
Honestly, we left her office empty handed and a little saddened, but better equipped to make our next decision on what to do on this journey. I believe that as a doctor, she did her job. She was informative and thorough. I couldn't thank her more for that.
For more info on IVF, ICSI I recommend that you start here:
http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/guide/intracytoplasmic-sperm-injection-for-infertility
Monday, April 9, 2012
Dyed Like and Easter Egg
After taking time to READ MY INSURANCE, see previous post, I called my Practitioner and ask for a referral. Remember, this is the same Practitioner who was so sympathetic to my whole ordeal. She happily gave me both the referral and the phone number of a Fertility Doctor somewhat (within two hours) local to me. Within a few weeks I was sitting in front of her having a consult. She asked all the same questions about health history. She went deep into questions about my appendectomy that I had had as a child. She asked about family history. Finally she scheduled a Hysterosalpingogram (remember the dye test referred to before?) for me.
A short few weeks after the initial appointment I was in an imaging center wearing nothing but a hospital gown waiting for this magic test. My waiting room was no larger than a shower stall with a bench and a curtain for privacy. Here I sat until a tech would come for me.
I was then whisked into an area that resembles the platform from "Mars Needs Moms", okay not that bad nor was it a glass room, but you know the space where you believe that alien "probing" could go on. As I am laying on a cold stainless steel table, with a sheet or two for "warmth". She is prepping at my opposite end (sorry, no other way to describe it). I had been warned that I would feel a cold sensation after the dye was injected and after a few minutes of what I thought was prep, she told me she was done and to go get dressed. No cold sensation. No, "hey we're ready to go". She simply did the test without me knowing it had happened. Don't get me wrong, I have no bitterness. I was just shocked.
I asked what she saw, and was shown the x-rays. My uterus had filled with fluid (BLACK on screen) and it stopped. No fluid had made it into my tubes. She explained what I saw, and that it meant that I have no eggs making it to my uterus to implant and no semen making it to my eggs to fertilize. She also told me that I have one of the "best surgeons in Oregon" as a fertility specialist.
Now, I know what you are thinking...some of you are heart-broken for me, and maybe I would have been too...except you have to understand that after 7 years of not preventing this was an answer. I was elated! My joy was shared by my husband...but a lot of people were saddened by this realization. This moment (and many others) has reminded me that I am pretty numb when it comes to my fertility. What I know, and have experienced is unique to those fighting this battle. It is something that makes sense to those of us who are "infertile".
A short few weeks after the initial appointment I was in an imaging center wearing nothing but a hospital gown waiting for this magic test. My waiting room was no larger than a shower stall with a bench and a curtain for privacy. Here I sat until a tech would come for me.
I was then whisked into an area that resembles the platform from "Mars Needs Moms", okay not that bad nor was it a glass room, but you know the space where you believe that alien "probing" could go on. As I am laying on a cold stainless steel table, with a sheet or two for "warmth". She is prepping at my opposite end (sorry, no other way to describe it). I had been warned that I would feel a cold sensation after the dye was injected and after a few minutes of what I thought was prep, she told me she was done and to go get dressed. No cold sensation. No, "hey we're ready to go". She simply did the test without me knowing it had happened. Don't get me wrong, I have no bitterness. I was just shocked.
I asked what she saw, and was shown the x-rays. My uterus had filled with fluid (BLACK on screen) and it stopped. No fluid had made it into my tubes. She explained what I saw, and that it meant that I have no eggs making it to my uterus to implant and no semen making it to my eggs to fertilize. She also told me that I have one of the "best surgeons in Oregon" as a fertility specialist.
Now, I know what you are thinking...some of you are heart-broken for me, and maybe I would have been too...except you have to understand that after 7 years of not preventing this was an answer. I was elated! My joy was shared by my husband...but a lot of people were saddened by this realization. This moment (and many others) has reminded me that I am pretty numb when it comes to my fertility. What I know, and have experienced is unique to those fighting this battle. It is something that makes sense to those of us who are "infertile".
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Know Your Insurance!
**I do not endorse any insurance, nor do I make any claims about your insurance. I am simply suggesting that as women/men we become informed of what is available to us through our OWN plans**
When we began this journey, we were ignorant to say the least. At one point someone said to us, "Insurance doesn't cover fertility problems" and we left it at that. We literally left it at that for SEVEN YEARS! Then one day, I had a thought...what if I actually LOOK at my insurance. So while working for a financial institution, who by the way had what I would consider average benes, I looked up our insurance plan. I typed into the search bar fertility, and was shocked to find that I had coverage for diagnosis and treatment of infertility UP TO $10,000. We all know how fast $10K goes, but I thought maybe we can get some answers!
I have also heard of insurance plans having NO CAP on diagnosis. Another plan that I have recently heard of WILL COVER treatment, including IVF! I am sure, like with birth control, there are some insurances who don't cover at all.
I will encourage you again, if you haven't already done so, READ your insurance paperwork. If something seems vague, call them. Talk with your doctor. Sometimes the diagnosis can also be a fix (ahem, the dye test will occasionally blow out your tubes).
If anything...you will get answers. You will obtain knowledge. Honestly, having knowledge or a label of what is going on, will help you heal your heart. If nothing else, it will answer questions and help you make the next decision.
When we began this journey, we were ignorant to say the least. At one point someone said to us, "Insurance doesn't cover fertility problems" and we left it at that. We literally left it at that for SEVEN YEARS! Then one day, I had a thought...what if I actually LOOK at my insurance. So while working for a financial institution, who by the way had what I would consider average benes, I looked up our insurance plan. I typed into the search bar fertility, and was shocked to find that I had coverage for diagnosis and treatment of infertility UP TO $10,000. We all know how fast $10K goes, but I thought maybe we can get some answers!
I have also heard of insurance plans having NO CAP on diagnosis. Another plan that I have recently heard of WILL COVER treatment, including IVF! I am sure, like with birth control, there are some insurances who don't cover at all.
I will encourage you again, if you haven't already done so, READ your insurance paperwork. If something seems vague, call them. Talk with your doctor. Sometimes the diagnosis can also be a fix (ahem, the dye test will occasionally blow out your tubes).
If anything...you will get answers. You will obtain knowledge. Honestly, having knowledge or a label of what is going on, will help you heal your heart. If nothing else, it will answer questions and help you make the next decision.
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