Bitter Sweet Words

I have been dealing with a lot of heartache lately over not being able to provide a sibling for our son (4 1/2). He has asked, like most kids his age, for a brother or a sister. For some families this is no big deal, you talk about it, try (or don't), and give an answer. Obviously, you don't give the GRAPHIC answer, however I think many kids his age would get the where do babies come from talk, knowing our son he wouldn't. As parents who are infertile, its not an easy answer. We could try to adopt again, however at this point in our lives we have been told that is not an avenue we can go down with out some living arrangement changes. Even with the most basic of changes, it would be difficult. We could try to conceive on our own, which is always an option, however at this point not an affordable one.

Lately, my heartache has been exasperated by five little words. "Will you play with me?" They are bitter sweet. Sweet because he still wants me around! However, our child is lonely. He asks my husband and myself regularly to get down on his level and play with him. Whether it is Lincoln Logs, Thomas, GI Joe's, or just a simple sword fight (thank you He-Man and Peter Pan), he is looking for a playmate. Some of you are saying, "Take advantage of this! And we do, however we also know that at some point (and on some level currently) he wants someone he can relate to. Someone who gets him. Someone who can play make-believe and REALLY get into it. Someone who isn't jaded with the stress of being an adult on their shoulder.

Our son is looking for his Peter Pan. His playmate, someone who hasn't grown up yet. Won't grow up for some time. Who can invent imaginary worlds with green tigers who change into Battle Cats. Who can see the swing-set as a castle to defend. Where rugs are islands in an ocean filled with sharks or a river of lava. This is my desire for him too. I DO CHERISH every moment of snuggles, playing, and learning with him. But I know in some ways I am not enough.

I have also watched him play this past week with cousins and friends. My son has no concept of sharing. See what you want and take it is his idea of sharing. Taking turns is foreign to him. This is another way that I would love to bless him. I want him to grow into that person who understands how to share. I don't want him to be selfish. I don't want him to struggle with having a roommate in college, or sharing an apartment.

To be honest, I also want a second best friend for me. Our son is my best friend. He is my day in and day out, but the joy of having a second child to love and cherish...I've had it before, and I miss it. I know someday we will have another, at least I PRAY that we do. For our son's sake I pray it is sooner than later. He deserves a best friend who can keep up with him.  

Foster-Care Goals: Relative Placement

Another goal is placement with relatives. Most offices strive to do this early in the process. Often they do what is called an "emergency certification" to place the child with a relative instead of with a foster family. If the emergency certification cannot be done the same day, the child is placed temporarily with a foster family to be moved within a week or two. These are the most successful relative placements, with the least amount of impact on the child.

What makes relative placements difficult and sometimes time consuming, is the fact that DHS relies heavily on the parents to make a list of potential relatives. If the parents cooperate, this can move swiftly. However, often a parent (or parents) do not want to cooperate in any way, or they only list those that can be beneficial to themselves (relatives they like or believe will be on their side through the process). Some states will use this initial list and dig deeper. They will ask each person on the list if they are uninterested in being a resource if they know of anyone else who maybe interested, thus creating a larger list. There are also states which will go as far as the list and if no suitable relative can be found from that list, call it quits. 

Studies show that relative placements are typically the least disruptive of foster placements. I agree with this statement to an extent. My only complaint is that often this avenue has in the past not been addressed until late in the process. To be truly in the child's best interest the placement needs to happen swiftly and early on. It also needs to take place with a relative that the child is familiar with. Too often I have observed or heard of children after a year or more being moved to a relative that they had little or no contact with prior to the move. This results in the child being confused and traumatized by the move. 

The most successful placements (late in the case) are those in which there have been efforts made for regular visits. I am not saying others cannot or have not been successful, but to ensure it will be easier on the child make the time to visit. Give the child an opportunity to get comfortable with you and your home and know that they will grieve their prior placement.