Not His Only Momma

I have been thinking on this for sometime now. The fact that I am not our son's only momma. See, my son was born to one woman; raised by another for nearly two years; and has been my son for the past four years. For this reason alone, I am not nor will I ever be his only momma.

When we first adopted our son we made our intentions clear to his birth parents. Our plan was to refer to them in name when we discussed them with our son. The intent was to establish that we were his parents to raise him. How ignorant were we in this? They gave him life...as time has gone on I see his growing understanding of who his "Tummy Momma" and "Tummy Daddy" are. With this I see an enchantment with these people who birthed him. He gets excited when there is an email from them, even if it is only a few lines. He enjoys reviewing his "Life Book" which has photos of them in it, and speaks of how he came to our home. I cannot nor will I ever squelch this, because who am I to tell him he is wrong? Who am I to deny him his history? They are part of him, they are part of us, and there is no denying that. Not now, not ever.

We are blessed to have an amazing friendship and connection with our son's Foster Family. He refers to them as Momma xxxx and Daddy xxxxx. We share photos and videos with them via social networking and text. They have been invited to his birthday, school events, sporting events, and to "just because we miss them coffee." They have become a part of our family, and are cherished as such. As a former Foster Parent I can tell you that this is not the normal turn of events. This Foster Family can tell you the same. They have fostered over 75 children in the past 21+ years, and while several still have contact with them many have moved from their home and have never been heard from or seen after. I cannot imagine not having a relationship with Momma xxxx and Daddy xxxxx. For our son, they complete his puzzle. They are a part of his whole story, and a part of his future.

See even though I am one of three mommas to our son, and my husband is one of three daddies, I wouldn't change this situation for the world. The six of us have created, shaped, and molded him into the little man that he is becoming. We have each left our fingerprints on him and those cannot be washed off. I wouldn't change him for anything, I wouldn't blot out any part of his story, because without any one of us he wouldn't be who he is now.

"Blessed" by Infertility

Roughly a year ago, I had an individual try to use my infertility to challenge my religious beliefs. This is a person who is supposed to be close to me. We grew up together, attended church together, and still to this day see each other regularly at functions. Somewhere along the line we parted denominational lines.

I promise that I will do my best to not CRAM or preach to you on this site, it is for support. It is for education, but I needed to lay this out to give reference to my story. I do not have problems with Atheism, Buddhism, or individuals of the Muslim faith. I believe what I believe and I know where I stand. 

Going back to the title of this post. In a HEATED discussion in an attempt to trap me or sway my beliefs, this individual stated, "So God blessed you with infertility right?" My response was, "Not blessed." This is a natural "in the moment" response. Honestly when I began this post it was in anger and I was going to use this forum to tell that person OFF! But if I stop and think of the blessings I have had through infertility, I cannot help but weep. My marriage is stronger (yes, I know this is not always the case); I have made life-long friendships that I never would have; and I have a BEAUTIFUL son.

I shared with you previously the struggles early in our marriage. My husband shut down, he would see me weeping and leave the room. I now know it was because he hurt and couldn't "fix" me. He had no clue how to handle his own emotions let alone mine. Through infertility we grew. We battled this side by side, and learned how to handle each other in our darkest times. Are we perfect, no. Are we UNIFIED, yes. We became two soldiers, fighting an invisible enemy named "infertility." Often my husband will tell friends, "If we can survive those days, we can survive anything." I believe he is correct.

There have been posts about my friend. The one who has suffered miscarriages, and gone on to adopt not one but (now) FOUR beautiful children. We met through our eldest children's foster mother. She is the one who brought us together, and honestly another close friend who I would never had if not for infertility. Both of these women have shaped me as a wife and mother. They have taught me to fight for children. They have held me as I have sobbed the loss of a foster child. If not for infertility, I would not have the relationship that I have with either woman. I wouldn't know many of you either.

Lastly, and most importantly is my son. Does he make me crazy? YES. Does he test my boundaries? ALL THE TIME. But, he is MINE. Without infertility I couldn't guarantee that I would have him. We planned on adoption, both of us telling our mothers as children that someday we would adopt. It was always the plan to adopt one child, but without infertility would it have been this one? I don't know. Maybe we would have had our four in our early 20s and stopped. I CANNOT IMAGINE NOT BEING HIS MOTHER. He is my biggest blessing that has come from infertility.

You see, I was wrong. I am BLESSED by infertility. Just not in the way that most people would take it. Now, does this post mean that those of you who have never experienced infertility should go pointing out "blessings" as your infertile friends sob? NO. Let them come to these conclusions in their own time, just listen and hold them (emotionally or physically if they want). Does this blot out the error of that individual trying to use my infertility as a tool to convert me to their beliefs? HELL NO! (sorry Mom) No one has that right. NO ONE, and I will say this once (okay, lying I will say it as many times as it takes to get it through people's thick skulls) USING ANOTHER'S PAIN TO PAINT YOUR BELIEFS AS RIGHT IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE. This goes for Christians, Buddhists, Muslims, and Atheists (sorry if I left more than a few religions out).

You Don't Know Me

Okay, so maybe you do. Maybe you are getting to know me. Maybe we are related. But let's assume you don't know me.
Last night I was leaving a public space with my son. We had finished our event and were headed home to wind down. A mom who sees me there regularly asked if K was our only child. I replied, "Yes for now." She then inquired about timing for another. Who hasn't asked this question? I know I have.
Yesterday it hit me out of no where. You see right now this is a rough subject for me. I would adopt again tomorrow, but I have to consider my whole family in this. I have to think about my husband's work/travel schedule. My son's school schedule. My work schedule. Could it work? Yes. Are we all in the same place? Honestly no.
I also debated how much I wanted to share with this woman. Laughable, isn't it? I post here for all the world to read and yet I hesitated with this acquaintance.
I did tell her we were waiting for timing, things to settle, and for our whole family to be ready for this. She looked puzzled and said something that no one has said to me..."I guess people are spacing their children further apart these days."
I was shocked by this. I felt slightly judged because I didn't have the 2.5 kids all two years apart. I told her the truth. I told her that we planned to adopt a child closer to K's age.
Her next reaction I laughed at inwardly. She told me how hard it is to adopt. She mentioned friends who struggled to conceive and then were told it would take a long time to adopt. I told her babies do take longer, but was cut short by my impatient five year old headed for the door.
I may take up this conversation again when I see her at the next event. I may wait for her to bring it up. I hope when I do that I have the appropriate words to say.
I am torn between two paths. I never want to hide K's history. Adoption is not shameful. I also don't want to parade him around as a charity project. I sincerely despise being told that I am such a good person for adopting. We did not adopt to save kids. We did so to have a family. For our benefit. We are selfish.

In closing, these commercials put on by the AdCouncil crack me up, and are absolutely true. Don't take someone's friend's cousin's experience as the truth. "There ARE thousands of kids who would LOVE to put up with you." 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3bPoQQyjZ8&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Out in the Open

So, I was wrong...things don't slow down with a Kindergartner. Soccer, swimming, and trips to visit family. We pretty much run non-stop. I apologize. Maybe I will make this blog part of my list of New Year's Resolutions (does anyone actually follow-through on those?), maybe this time I can stick to it. Now to post what I really wanted to share. 

I promised to share the next stop in our fertility journey with you. Nearly two years ago, I went under the knife. Some of you are friends and thinking, "Wait a minute, when did this happen?" It did. I am confessing. I had exploratory surgery to see if my tubes could be untangled in April 2012 and I kept it a secret.

Some of you are thinking, wait she said she'd be honest. I am being honest, just not at the moment. See, even with educating the public (which is what I believe this blog to be) about infertility, people still question. I didn't want to get your hopes up that I would be carrying a baby soon. Honestly, I didn't want to get mine up either.

So the results? I am still not pregnant. As a matter of fact my doc told my husband (as I was in recovery) that she "wouldn't call the surgery successful". She had to literally hunt through scar tissue to find my ovaries, then untangle my fallopian tubes to examine them. She also told him that we need to be thankful that I am alive. Which I am.

What does this mean for building our family? We essentially have two choices, IVF (or I think IUF could work too) or adopt. We have never shut the door on adoption. Honestly, I think that will be our next step when the timing is right. We always knew that we would adopt at least once more. We are also more open to the idea of IVF or IUF. It just will take more time (and resources) to get there.

In all, we are not swayed nor dismayed because we know our challenges are light and momentary.

Rant!

Okay, first of all FORGIVE ME! I have been away, well really I have been home and without internet. To say the least the past year has been a year of changes and (I believe) it is about to settle down, or speed up. I HAVE A KINDERGARTNER! Never thought I would be here...seriously, at one point, NEVER. 
But this isn't the purpose of my post. I am here to rant. See, I pin and I facebook (doesn't everyone?). With my facebooking and pinning I follow some adoption, infertility, and parenting stuff. Did you know that facebook follows you? Seriously, post something about bunnies. All of a sudden you'll have ads referring to BUNNIES in your newsfeed. Go ahead, I'll wait while you do this. Back? Okay. I post about being a mom, occasionally about being an adoptive mom, and sometimes about being infertile. Its no secret, I talk about it. This helps me heal and deal. 
Tonight (just less than five minutes ago) while checking my newsfeed I saw an ad talking about how this one woman "healed" herself of infertility and "you can too!" Umm? Excuse me? A one-size-fits-all answer. Okay, I scanned it and the author claims her holistic approach will help you conceive in two months or less. Okay...So you are going to tell me to care for my body and my tubes, which are riddled with scar tissue from an appendectomy are going to magically "open up"? Yeah, I am skeptical. 
I am not going to say it doesn't work, honestly I just scanned it. But I am a touch doubtful. I have tried holistic. I did accupuncture, and am thinking of doing it again. If not for the benefits of pregnancy, for the benefits of relaxation. (Did I ever tell you about the time I left the accupuncture office and ended up at the grocery store unsure how I got there???) AMAZING. 
I guess what I am tired of (and maybe this person isn't doing this, maybe it really works) is people taking advantage of those of us who are hurting. Giving false reassurances. The televangelist asking for money to pray for and heal you. The diet pill that will make you look like a super model. Maybe I am cynical, but I just.don't.buy.it. 
Yes I pray. I beg for another child. But in the next breath I am thankful for the beautiful son we have. I recognize that even if he is our ONLY, he has an amazing extended family of cousins to grow up with. I want a baby, I still take prenatals. I pin baby-related items. I have a board for "if we have a little girl". I track my ovulation. And in a future post (I promise soon) I will tell you about our most recent attempt at having a baby. I just don't want empty promises. Like I said, I've not researched it, but it smells of "snake oil". Maybe my lesson is to research better but like I said, I am tired of "quick fixes". 

Made for TV Drama

In some ways I feel like our journey is a made for TV drama. I feel like I should be on Lifetime or the Hallmark channel. I feel like the "Happily Ever After" should happen any moment, but life isn't like that. We chose to live our lives, we make our choices, and we chose what our happily ever after looks like. Mine isn't perfect, but its mine.

However when I stop to think about my TRUE happily ever after, I see a cherub faced almost five year old eating PB&N (peanut butter and nutella), who loves his "bideo" game (Lightning McQueen racing), Spiderman, and his Daddy. He sneaks sips of coffee and on more than one occasion has been guilty of guzzling nearly $5 worth of a white chocolate mocha!

My goals for my happily ever after are (as one friend succinctly put them) "cautiously optimistic". I have dreams of him following in his Daddy's hooks. I want to see him climb power poles and steel structures, but I also know that he may never get to that level. I encourage him to be whatever he wants to be. I pray for his future wife (if he has one). I look toward his future with optimism, but at the same time realistically.

You see, our son has delays in communication. We have made some GREAT strides, and he has come a long way, but many people still don't understand him. Often we wonder if he really understands us all the time. I dream of raising the next Albert Einstein (who also has been credited with slow language development) or at least seeing him grow into a pair of climbing boots, but also must work on today. With those dreams in mind, my happily ever after and I work towards age-appropriate communication.

I challenge you, in your journey, to take time to consider what your happily ever after may look like. I challenge you to look forward to it, and meet the challenges head on. Do not get frustrated with road blocks, but overcome them.

The Princess and the Giant

I had a friend today who asked if we had ever fostered any little girls. We have. Our long-term fosters were all boys, but there were two princess. One stayed with us just a week until a space opened in her old foster home and another was with us just three weeks. Both offered challenges unique to girls, and to themselves.
The one I am thinking of today was nearly two when she came to us. She had so much SASS!
The first day we had her, I realized that we were lacking in little girl clothes. I had one pair of corduroy overalls and a red onesie in her size. But that was it! Not exactly the pink frills and bows that a Princess needs. I dressed her in those clothes that first day, and as soon as nap time for my son and other foster son hit, I left them with my husband. Then I asked her if she wanted to go shopping. The sassy walk to the door and "YES!" was my answer.
At the store, I was browsing the clearance and sales sections for a deal when she approached me with a pair of skinny jeans trimmed in pink stitching. I shuddered at the price, but she was insistent THIS was what she wanted. Laughing at her fashion sense, I made the purchase, figuring that she was worth every penny. Let me tell you she ROCKED those skinny jeans!
My next lesson from this little girl was not so much fun. See at this time I was working part-time (for some wonderful employers) to keep our health insurance benefits. We had a system worked out where my husband would come home and "relieve me" of momma duties so that I could go to work. I hugged the kids and left. Once I got to work I got a call from him that our Princess hadn't stopped crying since I had left. He had called his mom to come and help get her in jammies since she was pacing out of arms reach from him sobbing. I am so thankful for the fact that my mother-in-law was able to come help and stay with him until I got off of work and home four hours later, but she cannot do this every time I have to go to work.
It was the next day at Costco that I devised a plan. I grabbed a Costco sized bag of gummy bears, and informed Princess that these were "Daddy L's" and if she wanted some, she had to ask. I figured that in time she would see that he was safe. When he got home, she came to me and asked for some candy. I told her that they weren't mine, and she walked to L pointing at the top of the fridge. This was a start, so he gave her some...within time she began using her words to ask. Then within a week I walked around the corner to see him sitting cross-legged on the floor reading a book with her in his lap!  SUCCESS!!!
I still don't know what happened to this Princess to make her fearful of men, even my kind-hearted husband. I have my assumptions, but won't share those here. I guess the moral of the story is that each child, whether a foster placement, an adoptive placement, a student in church or school, or a kid on your sports team has their own back story and their own challenges. They are worth it. Figure out how, with time you can meet and over come those challenges with them. I promise, they are so worth it.

Foster Care Goals: Adoption

The final goal is adoption by either the foster parents or a general applicant. IF the parents cannot be reunited with or there are no appropriate relatives, then the child will be placed for adoption with the current foster parents being given priority. This only happens after all other options have been exhausted. This is not a situation to place your hope in. More often than not, you will be sorely disappointed.

In our state this is begun with the foster parent applying for “Current Caretaker” status. This gives you an equality with relatives and places you above general applicants. They view your attachment to said child as being valuable and valid. In some states this status is “gifted” after you have had the child in your home for 6 or 12 months (depending on the state's statute. DISCLAIMER, I am not a lawyer or an expert on your state's laws, educate yourself or contact a lawyer to help you through this). In my current state of residence, it must be applied for. My recommendation would be to not take NO for an answer. Fight for this child as if they are your blood. If you do not, you may second guess that decision for years to come. 

The latter option is a general applicant adoption. In these instances the children's parent's rights have been (or will be) terminated. There are no relatives who are certifiable who have an interest in the child. Lastly, the foster parents do not desire to adopt the child (this maybe because they do not feel called to adopt, there are WONDERFUL FOSTER FAMILIES whose calling is just to be foster families).

Our son was a general applicant adoption. He was published in "the book" for applications from all over to be placed for him. In our instance we were blessed because we had a “significant relationship” with him. Therefore we had an advantage over others applying for him. Our circumstance is rare, it happens infrequently, and honestly is by the very definition, a miracle!

Today I saw a photo shared on WACAP's Facebook page. They quote that 30% of Americans have considered adoption...2% of Americans have actually adopted. There are over 115K kids available for adoption in the United States alone. We all have to start somewhere. Where is your miracle? I know that our son will not be our last child that we adopt. I know that we will adopt again. We are praying that it will happen sooner than later. But we all have to take that first scary step...will you?

P.S. Grab a tissue, this video from the Dave Thomas Foundation will bring tears to your eyes. I'll tell you there is nothing more amazing that the day you meet your child. 

Foster-Care Goals: Relative Placement

Another goal is placement with relatives. Most offices strive to do this early in the process. Often they do what is called an "emergency certification" to place the child with a relative instead of with a foster family. If the emergency certification cannot be done the same day, the child is placed temporarily with a foster family to be moved within a week or two. These are the most successful relative placements, with the least amount of impact on the child.

What makes relative placements difficult and sometimes time consuming, is the fact that DHS relies heavily on the parents to make a list of potential relatives. If the parents cooperate, this can move swiftly. However, often a parent (or parents) do not want to cooperate in any way, or they only list those that can be beneficial to themselves (relatives they like or believe will be on their side through the process). Some states will use this initial list and dig deeper. They will ask each person on the list if they are uninterested in being a resource if they know of anyone else who maybe interested, thus creating a larger list. There are also states which will go as far as the list and if no suitable relative can be found from that list, call it quits. 

Studies show that relative placements are typically the least disruptive of foster placements. I agree with this statement to an extent. My only complaint is that often this avenue has in the past not been addressed until late in the process. To be truly in the child's best interest the placement needs to happen swiftly and early on. It also needs to take place with a relative that the child is familiar with. Too often I have observed or heard of children after a year or more being moved to a relative that they had little or no contact with prior to the move. This results in the child being confused and traumatized by the move. 

The most successful placements (late in the case) are those in which there have been efforts made for regular visits. I am not saying others cannot or have not been successful, but to ensure it will be easier on the child make the time to visit. Give the child an opportunity to get comfortable with you and your home and know that they will grieve their prior placement. 

Building a Family

When we began this journey we had been told that we would be better candidates for adoption once we became foster parents. Which we did, then we were blessed to adopt our son because of our foster parent certification and our existing relationship with him as his respite care providers. What we didn't realize was that with my husband's recent career change (shortly after we adopted our son), we would be traveling all over the Northwest. It is that lifestyle that has made it harder to adopt other children.
Currently our goal is to spend three weeks per month as a family on the road. Then one week apart, meaning my husband stays to work, and we go home to visit family and friends. In discussing this arrangement with our Adoptive Certifier, we have been told that since they cannot visit us on the road, we cannot adopt.
Our alternative is to spend the majority of every month at home, and "visit" Daddy on the road. Even this will pose a problem as I have been informed that our situation is just "weird" and out of the norm. So when a committee looks at us, they will see a "broken family". Their goal will be to place a child with a "complete family" and so a two-parent living in the same city/county/state family will be more appealing to them.
I have to admit, this is heartbreaking for us. Especially as our son seems to be obsessed with babies. He gets excited when he sees them, and asks all about them. We know our God is bigger than DHS, and we pray and wait for his perfect plan.

Yes, our son has a chocolate milk mustache. ;) Adds to the character of the photo. 

Foster-Care Goals: Reunification

Without breaching confidentiality agreements I can't post much about our foster care experience, I will summarize what can be expected as best as I can. I have heard the term "Foster-Adopt", and even used it to explain our situation. See, we had hoped that we would be blessed to adopt one or more of our foster placements. In hindsight, we (by "we" I mean I was) were wrong to hope this.

Foster care is a temporary situation. As foster parents we are expected to take a child, or in our case five infants/toddlers, love them and attach to them, then be able to let them go. There are some foster parents who are blessed to adopt their foster children, but this is the exception, not the rule. Through the next few posts I will explain the options for a foster-child's permanency. Today beginning with "reunification with parents". 

I was told once that 85% of foster children are reunited with their parents. This takes precedence above all else. So does their attachment to the parent. The child WILL visit with the parents, typically supervised at first. These visits may go wonderfully and have little effect on the child, or may affect them emotionally (nightmares, crying endlessly for mama, or tantrums) or physically (they might sleep for hours or be sick for days on end afterward). I have had kids react in all of these ways. If as a foster parent you think you can interrupt these visits, you are wrong and need to talk to your certifier and worker about the goals they have for foster kids. 

Your job as a foster parent is to calm the child, sooth their concerns, and remain POSITIVE. I cannot state that enough, BE POSITIVE. I don't care how the parent has messed up or abused their child, they are the parent. They are a part of a child, and no child should be told that a part of them is substandard. Their “choices” maybe unacceptable, but THEY as people are not. When you say that their parent is a failure, you tell them essentially that they are a failure. This is what their developing brain hears and understands. 

You may see the parent as unfit, but remember YOU are not the judge. YOUR standards are not what the parents are measured by. Is the child being cared for? Are they safe? Do they have a home? Do they have food? These are minimum requirements and if the answer is yes to these questions, then they are FIT. It is hard, but as a foster-parent, we must rejoice in these successes.

 I must be honest, I still do pray for "my babies". I pray for safety, I pray their needs are met, I pray they know love, and I pray that they are happy. Knowing that my God is looking out for our babies is what I find comfort in. I encourage you (if you have been or will be a foster parent) to find comfort somewhere. Whether it is in God, a counselor, or a good friend. 

When Does it Get Easier?

I have been asked this question time and again...I thought I knew the answer, it gets easier with time and (for me) a proper diagnosis. However, lately with a surge of Holiday Pregnancy Posts on Facebook and Twitter I find myself with a twinge of jealousy. Please don't take this wrong, I rejoice with every friend who posts about their beautiful little blessing. I celebrate with them all, because lets be honest  PREGNANCY IS A MIRACLE. 
I have friends who have come to me in the past couple of years and admitted their struggle with conception, and I can HAPPILY say that they have nearly ALL conceived as of this point. Some took SEVERAL years, some a year, and others six months. Each had the same reality I have, the same fears, and the same level of jealousy over others announcements. In that way, we are all sisters.
Recently I joined a page on Facebook called RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association. Through this page I have seen several posts asking about coping with infertility. Today, they asked "What ways can you help make the journey easier for the next person diagnosed with infertility?" This struck me today, so much so that I am OUT of bed at 1am typing this.
 I want to be honest with you. I am not healed 100%. I have MANY good days and a few bad days. Yes, it gets better. I do still sob uncontrollably when my hopes have been dashed (whether it is after missing a period for 30 days, which I did two months ago (darned medication and stress) or its not being able to adopt again for a while (another post for another day)). Thankfully, I have moved on from being immobilized to my bed for 24 hours at a time (but who knows, that may just happen to me again next week).
What I am doing is living. I have a husband who supports me. Who may have left me by now if he were a weaker man, but is strong enough to hold me as I fall apart. I have a beautiful little boy through the miracle of adoption. They both need me to live. They need me to support them as much as they support me. They need me to love them as much as they love me.
What I am getting around to saying is that it is OKAY TO BE JEALOUS. It's okay to cry. It's okay to grieve. These are normal and natural responses to infertility and will not go away over night. What is NOT OKAY is to wallow in it for as long as I did. I know that I lost a few years in my grief, gone, poof! We must all learn to LIVE. We must all learn to SUPPORT. We must all learn to LOVE. We must all learn to be HAPPY. We must all learn to CELEBRATE. And yes, I believe we must all have FAITH.
These are things that make us human and these are things that carry us on.

"Dream until your dream comes true."

-Aerosmith 

GET IT OVER WITH!!!

We all know the tell-tale sign of pregnancy, usually it begins with a missed cycle. For many this can be a very exciting time, and it has been for me in the early days of trying to conceive, but it has typically been followed by heartache. As I have grown older, it has become a time of indifference. Over time I have created my own set of missed period rules (sorry guys, you're gonna have to deal with this topic).

Rule #1 if your period is one-day late, get intimate. Somehow I always start after being intimate with my husband. The second tried, and true, trigger is to window-shop for baby stuff. I know, I should know better than to get excited, but the stuff is SO CUTE. Third is to share with your spouse and a friend or two. Once you all get excited...Aunt Flo is there to ruin your day. If this doesn't work, then around day four to seven of being late, take a pregnancy test. Its like your body messes with you, "oh, you just spent $9 on a pregnancy test? Lol, GOTCHA!"

Twice in my marriage have I missed a period completely. I head to the doctor, thinking "maybe?" Only to be told that I am stressed out, and that is why my body skipped a period. Most recently, I was informed that my medication was off which is why my period was skipped. Then 28 days after the first should have started, I have another. Its like clockwork.

I know we all have our stories, and our tried and true period-starters. These are just mine. My dream for myself and all of you is that we will conceive. We will all know the joy of seeing the "+" on the test. We will experience the first ultrasound of our babies. That first kick will bring tears to our eyes and a lump to our throat. Then finally after nine glorious months, we will hold our miracle in our arms. Some of us will experience that, be it through IVF, Surrogate, or another unexplained miracle. Some (like me) will just see a baby, fall in love, and know that he was meant to be ours. No matter how your family is built, there are miracles all around. Find a way to smile and be thankful.  

A Letter to Our Son: Two Years

Dear Son,

Two years ago today, I received an amazing call. Our adoption worker called to tell me that our adoption had been finalized. You would be our son forever. I can't begin to tell you how happy this made us. See, we have dreamed of the day of having our own child for years, 10 years to be exact. To have someone to love, spoil, and leave a legacy behind to. I know we tell you this daily, but YOU are special.

Not going to lie, we have had our ups and downs. You are a "normal" toddler. You squeal, scream, and push buttons. You are hard-headed like your momma, and fearless like your daddy. The combination of the two is sometimes VERY scary. Like the time you tried to climb over the edge of the slide halfway down, and five feet in the air! Or the time you tried to go up the ladder, across the platform, and swing out over the slide all BACKWARDS! But we have survived.

We have succeeded at loving and spoiling you. I don't know many boys who have as many matchbox cars or Thomas Trains as you have. Don't get me started in on your collection of DVDs. But more than physical possessions, you are spoiled with love (if that is possible). You can climb into our laps at anytime. You get to talk to daddy uninterupted every night, and have a short-order cook at your disposal every day.

There are some things that we hope for you for the future. We hope that we as parents can guide you to be loving. You are naturally good-natured, and accepting of everyone, our prayer is that this never leaves you. We want you to be successful in whatever you do. Last week you told us that you want to be a dentist and last night you told us that you want to work on the wires with Daddy. Your love for building makes us think you might just do that, or be an engineer or carpenter. Whatever you do, we pray that you succeed and are happy. Lastly, we want you to love learning. Whether it is learning more about God, the world, your line of work, or your hobbies. Never quit thirsting for knowledge.

Two years has taught us so much. It has caused us to grow as a family. We cannot wait to see how you grow, who you become, and how you succeed. We know that there will be failures, we will be here for you, and love you no matter what. Our Dear Son, always remember, YOU are SPECIAL.

Love,

Momma and Daddy

I didn't give you the gift of life,

but in my heart I know.

The love I feel is deep and real,

as if it had been so.

For us to have each other,

is like a dream come true.

No, I didn't give you the gift of life,

life gave me the gift of you.

-Author Unknown

Being A Foster/Adoptive Mommy: Transitions

While being a foster parent, we had five children come and go as temporary placements. I can tell you now, that we made mistakes. We also learned from those mistakes. I mentioned before having a placement come the night before leaving for a family visit. In hind sight, we were blessed to have a baby that was so "go with the flow". Now I know to take a day or two with a child to adjust to their new surroundings.

This means cancelling scheduled trips, appointments, and staying home. This first baby was plunged into my extended family, but he held tight to the only stability he knew at that moment, my husband and I. He refused to sit on others laps if either of us walked in the room. He cried when we left. I should have noticed these things then, but I will say it aloud, I was inexperienced.

The next child had more one on one time with me, however she was an emotional wreck when I left her with my husband while I went to work two nights later. She didn't take to my husband for several days and wouldn't let him near her if I was not home. I took the rest of the week off after I realized this. Within a few weeks, I left my job all together. In part because these babies needed me more than I needed work.

By the third child, I learned that it was imperative that I give the child time to adjust and adapt. We had a play date scheduled that day, and I chose to stay home so that she wasn't jerked about. This was the easiest transition by far. I am sure her personality had something to do with it, but I also know it was because she had time to adjust.

If you chose to foster or adopt, be sure that you take the time off to help the child adjust to your home. Help them adjust to you and let them grieve whatever they have left behind, even if you feel that this is a better situation. That was their stability and this whole process is scary for them. 

Are These ALL Your Kids?

As a foster parent you often get kids of all ages, its really by divine intervention the children you get and when you get them. We have had multiple placements from multiple families on a few occasions, and this is the question that I get a lot. It usually follows "What are their ages".

One particular occurance happened when we were blessed to have our son, before he was our son, overnight in addition to our foster child. We had received a midnight call for an additional foster child, "Just until Monday". So our home had grown by one. We had family in town this same weekend, and had to get out of the house. See, there were four adults and five children (ages six to one) in our 900 square foot condo, we needed a break.

We walked down to the park to play. While there another family was also playing with their toddler at the same time. The dad asked the, "What are their ages" question, and we could see the wheels turning when we responded. He was doing the math...9 month gestation for each child...it didn't add up, as there was 12 months between the youngest and oldest.

I explained that none of them were "ours" genetically, but our foster children. Which didn't make the situation any more bearable for him. I don't fault him for this. People rarely know how to respond, so typically we just smiled and nodded when we were told that "our" children are beautiful. We do this because they are beautiful. We also do this because we know that we were blessed with "our" children.

You'll also see, I put quotes around "ours" because, in that moment they were ours. Maybe not genetically, and for two of them only for a time, but they were ours to love. Ours to comfort. Ours to nurture. This is our duty, and our responsibility to these kids. In return we are blessed by them ten-fold.  

(Photo taken of our son AFTER our adoption was finalized)

When You Least Expect It

 In July of 2009, we had made arrangements to take our Little Buddy home to visit my WHOLE family for the first time. We had our paperwork to leave the state in order, and were counting down the hours until he would be dropped off. I had just one shift left until my Holiday Weekend off from the hotel, and on that Thursday at 3pm I received a call. We were asked to take our first foster baby. They were not sure when the child would come into care. I was told, “it could be today, tomorrow, or a month from now”.

Since there was no definite boundary, I left for work, as my shift started at 4pm. At 3:45pm, I received another call. They had located the child and would be at my home within the half-hour. I arrived at work, arranged for my co-worker to stay late, called my husband, and ran home. The baby was waiting for me with two caseworkers. Within minutes I was handed a baby and a diaper bag. There was an outfit, maybe two, in the bag and enough diapers and formula to get us through the first 24 hours. I now know that this is more than one usually gets with a foster child.

My husband was home by 5pm, and I handed over this confused baby. I left for my shift at work, but was barely able to focus...how could I? In an hour we had become parents!

Remember that we were scheduled to leave for my parents' home the next day? Well, thankfully someone was working late at our Child Welfare office. This angel of a worker stopped at our home at 10pm to drop off the necessary paperwork to show that we were the child's placement and could leave the state with him. The child had been asleep for a few hours by this point, and our Little Buddy had been dropped off hours before so that we could leave first thing in the morning. **First thing, being relative with two infants in our home.  

I Release You

Today, for whatever reason, a memory came flooding back to me. It was a point when we were young, maybe 23 years old, when I told my husband, "I release you". I don't think on this often, because it was in the midst of my darkest days. The period of my life that I'd just rather forget than remember.
For those of you who aren't familiar with the Bible, there are passages that speak of the joy of having a children. Psalm 127:3-5 says, "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate." I had felt like I was a failure of a wife, how could I hold my husband back from this blessing?
Even though we had no confirmed answer as to why we couldn't have children, I knew then that it wasn't his problem, it was mine. So, out of pity (for him or for me, I couldn't tell you), I told him that he could divorce me to find a wife that could give him a child. He was free to leave.
Thankfully, I am blessed with a wonderful husband, and one who was wise beyond his 23 years. He told me that he had no interest in leaving me. That if we lived childless forever, he would be happy just being my husband.
Now that I am older (nearly a decade!) I can look back on that moment and realize that it doesn't matter how your family is built. Or if you have children at all. What matters is that you, as an individual or a couple, have support. You have someone who loves you, and chooses to stand by you regardless of the circumstances. I pray that you have the same.

Falling In Love

For several months we would babysit this little man. We'd take him on weekends, take him for an afternoon, and we'd have him OVERNIGHT. Talk about scary...here we are adults who have NEVER had children, and we have a baby sleeping in a cradle next to our bed! 

I don't think I slept at all that first night. The baby, on the other hand, slept 12 hours. I was awake for every breath, coo, and squeak while this four-month old bundle slept peacefully. He was perfect. 

A few months later, I got sick, REALLY sick. I couldn't hardly move my body was so exhausted. Doctors poked and prodded me. I was on a first-name basis with my phlebotomist, since we were seeing each other ever other day. In the end I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disorder. My immune system decided that an organ needed to die, I might add it is a necessary organ! 

This two month period put a hold on spending time with our little buddy. It was heartbreaking especially as we were supposed to have him for a FEW days during this period. We saw him at church, and soaked up every possible snuggle moment that we could. We had inadvertently fallen in love. We were in love with a not-so-little baby whose smile resembled a vampire (his front teeth came in after the rest) and I believe that he was falling in love with us also. 

The Classes to Talk You Out of This

Roughly two months after our initial meeting we were sitting in a classroom for our first class. We were fortunate enough to get in on weekend classes, when DHS was still offering them. These classes ran three hours on Friday, eight hours on Saturday, and eight hours on Sunday. They were carried out for two consecutive weekends. On the first day of our class we were asked to state our names, birth order, and what our end-goal was for taking these classes. You see, our instructor believed in (and so do I) the fact that your rank in your family, or your birth-order, helps shape who you are as an adult. She also wanted to get a feel for our class, what we hoped to get out of this. There were really four options as far as goals go, Foster, Foster-Adopt, Adopt, or Relative Care. My husband and I were half-way around the room, and really didn't know if we were there to adopt or foster-adopt, we had kicked both options around, but hadn't come to a conclusion. By the time that she made it to us, we had decided, Foster-Adopt.

She also shared a lot of her history. Our instructor was a former-foster child, she had a degree in psychology, and was also an adoptive mother. If you ask me, she is a rare person to have in Child-Welfare, but the perfect person to be there. She shared her own story of abuse, healing, and parenting. She was able to use her own life as an example of what foster kids endure. I won't go into details, as I don't have her permission, but to say my heart was broken for her and these children would be an understatement. 

These classes, essentially prepared us for "worse-case scenarios". They covered physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. They also covered neglect, which is hard to identify on its own, but is just as damaging. The classes themselves seemed to be designed to prepare you for horrible things to see, hear, and experience through these kids. In the end we weren't scared off, we wanted to fight for these kids.