Not His Only Momma

I have been thinking on this for sometime now. The fact that I am not our son's only momma. See, my son was born to one woman; raised by another for nearly two years; and has been my son for the past four years. For this reason alone, I am not nor will I ever be his only momma.

When we first adopted our son we made our intentions clear to his birth parents. Our plan was to refer to them in name when we discussed them with our son. The intent was to establish that we were his parents to raise him. How ignorant were we in this? They gave him life...as time has gone on I see his growing understanding of who his "Tummy Momma" and "Tummy Daddy" are. With this I see an enchantment with these people who birthed him. He gets excited when there is an email from them, even if it is only a few lines. He enjoys reviewing his "Life Book" which has photos of them in it, and speaks of how he came to our home. I cannot nor will I ever squelch this, because who am I to tell him he is wrong? Who am I to deny him his history? They are part of him, they are part of us, and there is no denying that. Not now, not ever.

We are blessed to have an amazing friendship and connection with our son's Foster Family. He refers to them as Momma xxxx and Daddy xxxxx. We share photos and videos with them via social networking and text. They have been invited to his birthday, school events, sporting events, and to "just because we miss them coffee." They have become a part of our family, and are cherished as such. As a former Foster Parent I can tell you that this is not the normal turn of events. This Foster Family can tell you the same. They have fostered over 75 children in the past 21+ years, and while several still have contact with them many have moved from their home and have never been heard from or seen after. I cannot imagine not having a relationship with Momma xxxx and Daddy xxxxx. For our son, they complete his puzzle. They are a part of his whole story, and a part of his future.

See even though I am one of three mommas to our son, and my husband is one of three daddies, I wouldn't change this situation for the world. The six of us have created, shaped, and molded him into the little man that he is becoming. We have each left our fingerprints on him and those cannot be washed off. I wouldn't change him for anything, I wouldn't blot out any part of his story, because without any one of us he wouldn't be who he is now.

"Blessed" by Infertility

Roughly a year ago, I had an individual try to use my infertility to challenge my religious beliefs. This is a person who is supposed to be close to me. We grew up together, attended church together, and still to this day see each other regularly at functions. Somewhere along the line we parted denominational lines.

I promise that I will do my best to not CRAM or preach to you on this site, it is for support. It is for education, but I needed to lay this out to give reference to my story. I do not have problems with Atheism, Buddhism, or individuals of the Muslim faith. I believe what I believe and I know where I stand. 

Going back to the title of this post. In a HEATED discussion in an attempt to trap me or sway my beliefs, this individual stated, "So God blessed you with infertility right?" My response was, "Not blessed." This is a natural "in the moment" response. Honestly when I began this post it was in anger and I was going to use this forum to tell that person OFF! But if I stop and think of the blessings I have had through infertility, I cannot help but weep. My marriage is stronger (yes, I know this is not always the case); I have made life-long friendships that I never would have; and I have a BEAUTIFUL son.

I shared with you previously the struggles early in our marriage. My husband shut down, he would see me weeping and leave the room. I now know it was because he hurt and couldn't "fix" me. He had no clue how to handle his own emotions let alone mine. Through infertility we grew. We battled this side by side, and learned how to handle each other in our darkest times. Are we perfect, no. Are we UNIFIED, yes. We became two soldiers, fighting an invisible enemy named "infertility." Often my husband will tell friends, "If we can survive those days, we can survive anything." I believe he is correct.

There have been posts about my friend. The one who has suffered miscarriages, and gone on to adopt not one but (now) FOUR beautiful children. We met through our eldest children's foster mother. She is the one who brought us together, and honestly another close friend who I would never had if not for infertility. Both of these women have shaped me as a wife and mother. They have taught me to fight for children. They have held me as I have sobbed the loss of a foster child. If not for infertility, I would not have the relationship that I have with either woman. I wouldn't know many of you either.

Lastly, and most importantly is my son. Does he make me crazy? YES. Does he test my boundaries? ALL THE TIME. But, he is MINE. Without infertility I couldn't guarantee that I would have him. We planned on adoption, both of us telling our mothers as children that someday we would adopt. It was always the plan to adopt one child, but without infertility would it have been this one? I don't know. Maybe we would have had our four in our early 20s and stopped. I CANNOT IMAGINE NOT BEING HIS MOTHER. He is my biggest blessing that has come from infertility.

You see, I was wrong. I am BLESSED by infertility. Just not in the way that most people would take it. Now, does this post mean that those of you who have never experienced infertility should go pointing out "blessings" as your infertile friends sob? NO. Let them come to these conclusions in their own time, just listen and hold them (emotionally or physically if they want). Does this blot out the error of that individual trying to use my infertility as a tool to convert me to their beliefs? HELL NO! (sorry Mom) No one has that right. NO ONE, and I will say this once (okay, lying I will say it as many times as it takes to get it through people's thick skulls) USING ANOTHER'S PAIN TO PAINT YOUR BELIEFS AS RIGHT IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE. This goes for Christians, Buddhists, Muslims, and Atheists (sorry if I left more than a few religions out).

Mother's Day

I have shared with you before (last year) how Mother's Day used to be hard for me. I know that this is not an experience that I am alone in. Thousands of women wake on Mother's Day in torment. They see and hear a celebration of Motherhood everywhere. It is a constant reminder of their "failure." I call it "their failure" because that is how I felt, I felt like a failure. I can't do the one thing that women are supposed to do and that men cannot do, have babies. I can't give my husband a child that is a combination of us (at least I can't without medical intervention).

However, today is different. Today, I reflect in a different mode. I see my friends who, like us, couldn't conceive and are blessed to be mothers through adoption. I see my friends who have lost children, sisters, and mothers. I see my friends who have chosen to give their babies to another to raise. I see my friends who have lost their spouse, the love of their lives, and are mothering alone. For many of them this is bittersweet. This maybe a day of grief, a reminder of what they do not have. Today I grieve with them.

I do not grieve what I do not have, but I grieve with them. I cry for them, I will laugh with them. I will remember them and maybe you in my prayers. I hope that they (and you) find joy in Mother's Day. Whether it is in celebrating your womanhood, strong women in your life, or remembering your loved ones fondly. I pray that today ends happily for you.

You Don't Know Me

Okay, so maybe you do. Maybe you are getting to know me. Maybe we are related. But let's assume you don't know me.
Last night I was leaving a public space with my son. We had finished our event and were headed home to wind down. A mom who sees me there regularly asked if K was our only child. I replied, "Yes for now." She then inquired about timing for another. Who hasn't asked this question? I know I have.
Yesterday it hit me out of no where. You see right now this is a rough subject for me. I would adopt again tomorrow, but I have to consider my whole family in this. I have to think about my husband's work/travel schedule. My son's school schedule. My work schedule. Could it work? Yes. Are we all in the same place? Honestly no.
I also debated how much I wanted to share with this woman. Laughable, isn't it? I post here for all the world to read and yet I hesitated with this acquaintance.
I did tell her we were waiting for timing, things to settle, and for our whole family to be ready for this. She looked puzzled and said something that no one has said to me..."I guess people are spacing their children further apart these days."
I was shocked by this. I felt slightly judged because I didn't have the 2.5 kids all two years apart. I told her the truth. I told her that we planned to adopt a child closer to K's age.
Her next reaction I laughed at inwardly. She told me how hard it is to adopt. She mentioned friends who struggled to conceive and then were told it would take a long time to adopt. I told her babies do take longer, but was cut short by my impatient five year old headed for the door.
I may take up this conversation again when I see her at the next event. I may wait for her to bring it up. I hope when I do that I have the appropriate words to say.
I am torn between two paths. I never want to hide K's history. Adoption is not shameful. I also don't want to parade him around as a charity project. I sincerely despise being told that I am such a good person for adopting. We did not adopt to save kids. We did so to have a family. For our benefit. We are selfish.

In closing, these commercials put on by the AdCouncil crack me up, and are absolutely true. Don't take someone's friend's cousin's experience as the truth. "There ARE thousands of kids who would LOVE to put up with you." 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3bPoQQyjZ8&feature=youtube_gdata_player