Not His Only Momma

I have been thinking on this for sometime now. The fact that I am not our son's only momma. See, my son was born to one woman; raised by another for nearly two years; and has been my son for the past four years. For this reason alone, I am not nor will I ever be his only momma.

When we first adopted our son we made our intentions clear to his birth parents. Our plan was to refer to them in name when we discussed them with our son. The intent was to establish that we were his parents to raise him. How ignorant were we in this? They gave him life...as time has gone on I see his growing understanding of who his "Tummy Momma" and "Tummy Daddy" are. With this I see an enchantment with these people who birthed him. He gets excited when there is an email from them, even if it is only a few lines. He enjoys reviewing his "Life Book" which has photos of them in it, and speaks of how he came to our home. I cannot nor will I ever squelch this, because who am I to tell him he is wrong? Who am I to deny him his history? They are part of him, they are part of us, and there is no denying that. Not now, not ever.

We are blessed to have an amazing friendship and connection with our son's Foster Family. He refers to them as Momma xxxx and Daddy xxxxx. We share photos and videos with them via social networking and text. They have been invited to his birthday, school events, sporting events, and to "just because we miss them coffee." They have become a part of our family, and are cherished as such. As a former Foster Parent I can tell you that this is not the normal turn of events. This Foster Family can tell you the same. They have fostered over 75 children in the past 21+ years, and while several still have contact with them many have moved from their home and have never been heard from or seen after. I cannot imagine not having a relationship with Momma xxxx and Daddy xxxxx. For our son, they complete his puzzle. They are a part of his whole story, and a part of his future.

See even though I am one of three mommas to our son, and my husband is one of three daddies, I wouldn't change this situation for the world. The six of us have created, shaped, and molded him into the little man that he is becoming. We have each left our fingerprints on him and those cannot be washed off. I wouldn't change him for anything, I wouldn't blot out any part of his story, because without any one of us he wouldn't be who he is now.

Mother's Day

I have shared with you before (last year) how Mother's Day used to be hard for me. I know that this is not an experience that I am alone in. Thousands of women wake on Mother's Day in torment. They see and hear a celebration of Motherhood everywhere. It is a constant reminder of their "failure." I call it "their failure" because that is how I felt, I felt like a failure. I can't do the one thing that women are supposed to do and that men cannot do, have babies. I can't give my husband a child that is a combination of us (at least I can't without medical intervention).

However, today is different. Today, I reflect in a different mode. I see my friends who, like us, couldn't conceive and are blessed to be mothers through adoption. I see my friends who have lost children, sisters, and mothers. I see my friends who have chosen to give their babies to another to raise. I see my friends who have lost their spouse, the love of their lives, and are mothering alone. For many of them this is bittersweet. This maybe a day of grief, a reminder of what they do not have. Today I grieve with them.

I do not grieve what I do not have, but I grieve with them. I cry for them, I will laugh with them. I will remember them and maybe you in my prayers. I hope that they (and you) find joy in Mother's Day. Whether it is in celebrating your womanhood, strong women in your life, or remembering your loved ones fondly. I pray that today ends happily for you.

You Don't Know Me

Okay, so maybe you do. Maybe you are getting to know me. Maybe we are related. But let's assume you don't know me.
Last night I was leaving a public space with my son. We had finished our event and were headed home to wind down. A mom who sees me there regularly asked if K was our only child. I replied, "Yes for now." She then inquired about timing for another. Who hasn't asked this question? I know I have.
Yesterday it hit me out of no where. You see right now this is a rough subject for me. I would adopt again tomorrow, but I have to consider my whole family in this. I have to think about my husband's work/travel schedule. My son's school schedule. My work schedule. Could it work? Yes. Are we all in the same place? Honestly no.
I also debated how much I wanted to share with this woman. Laughable, isn't it? I post here for all the world to read and yet I hesitated with this acquaintance.
I did tell her we were waiting for timing, things to settle, and for our whole family to be ready for this. She looked puzzled and said something that no one has said to me..."I guess people are spacing their children further apart these days."
I was shocked by this. I felt slightly judged because I didn't have the 2.5 kids all two years apart. I told her the truth. I told her that we planned to adopt a child closer to K's age.
Her next reaction I laughed at inwardly. She told me how hard it is to adopt. She mentioned friends who struggled to conceive and then were told it would take a long time to adopt. I told her babies do take longer, but was cut short by my impatient five year old headed for the door.
I may take up this conversation again when I see her at the next event. I may wait for her to bring it up. I hope when I do that I have the appropriate words to say.
I am torn between two paths. I never want to hide K's history. Adoption is not shameful. I also don't want to parade him around as a charity project. I sincerely despise being told that I am such a good person for adopting. We did not adopt to save kids. We did so to have a family. For our benefit. We are selfish.

In closing, these commercials put on by the AdCouncil crack me up, and are absolutely true. Don't take someone's friend's cousin's experience as the truth. "There ARE thousands of kids who would LOVE to put up with you." 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3bPoQQyjZ8&feature=youtube_gdata_player

FIVE!

I know some of you are still battling with building a family, so please don't take offense at my posts about our son. I have always said from day one that this is our journey, and part of that journey is celebration. Some chose IVF, some chose adoption, some foster, some have furr-babies, and others chose to live child-free. I will never judge your choices, but I do feel that part of our journey is to live in the moment and celebrate...That being said, this will be a Momma Brag post.

FIVE! We now have a FIVE-YEAR-OLD little man. I swear in the past week he has matured tenfold. Seriously, from things like him informing me that he "has enough toys" and wants to "put (his birthday money) in his pig(gy bank)". To him taking off with his morning chores. Gets dressed, brushes his teeth, and feeds the dogs with me having to ask just once! (You do know I am going to have to nag him about this tomorrow, that is how it works when you brag on your kids, they have to remind you that they are little humans.)
He is enrolled in Kindergarten and eager for the possibility of soccer in the fall! He uses his manners 95% of the time, and loves his friends.
Is he perfect, no. But he is growing into a gentleman, "just like Daddy".
Tonight as we left his friend's house, she ran out the door to get a kiss. Not just from me, actually I think I may have been an after thought. No, she wanted a kiss from our son. Feels like yesterday we were doing respite with him, today he is doing his own chores, and tomorrow I will be photographing him on his way to prom with his best friend.
Happy Birthday to my Baby, my Punkin, and forever my best friend.

Mother's Day 2013

Recently some mommie-friends of mine shared (via facebook) a blog post on Mother's Day. I have to admit it hit home for me on so many levels.

First of all, I cannot tell you how many Mother's Days (lying, it was EIGHT) that I either avoided church and spent the rest of the day in tears or went and spent the rest of the day in tears. To cope with this pain my husband and I lovingly coined the term "Woman's Day" and "Man Day" to be able to celebrate each other.

Secondly, I have been thinking a lot about our son's "Tummy Momma" (and all mothers who have children that they do not raise because of adoption) as of late. I have considered how hard this holiday, which coincidentally was the day of our son's birth five years ago, may be for her and how it may give her mixed emotions.

She may think of him on Mother's Day as the son she gave life to, but I raise. She may remember the joy of having him, so small and perfect, and the pain of letting him go nearly two years later.

Does her heart ache when the pastor of her church asks all Mothers to rise? Does she get up? Does she avoid church as I did? I can't tell you a straight answer about it, but my heart aches for her.

If my son's "Tummy-Momma" were reading this today, I would love to tell her thank you. Thank you for birthing such a dear sweet boy. Thank you for giving him his big eyes and unruly hair. Please know, that today (and many others) I am praying for you. Thank you.

P.S. After sharing the "Open Letter to Pastor's" post with my friends (and also a dear friend who is a pastor) this was our church's pastors response. I hope it touches you in the same way it touched me. Much love and prayers for you today.

Made for TV Drama

In some ways I feel like our journey is a made for TV drama. I feel like I should be on Lifetime or the Hallmark channel. I feel like the "Happily Ever After" should happen any moment, but life isn't like that. We chose to live our lives, we make our choices, and we chose what our happily ever after looks like. Mine isn't perfect, but its mine.

However when I stop to think about my TRUE happily ever after, I see a cherub faced almost five year old eating PB&N (peanut butter and nutella), who loves his "bideo" game (Lightning McQueen racing), Spiderman, and his Daddy. He sneaks sips of coffee and on more than one occasion has been guilty of guzzling nearly $5 worth of a white chocolate mocha!

My goals for my happily ever after are (as one friend succinctly put them) "cautiously optimistic". I have dreams of him following in his Daddy's hooks. I want to see him climb power poles and steel structures, but I also know that he may never get to that level. I encourage him to be whatever he wants to be. I pray for his future wife (if he has one). I look toward his future with optimism, but at the same time realistically.

You see, our son has delays in communication. We have made some GREAT strides, and he has come a long way, but many people still don't understand him. Often we wonder if he really understands us all the time. I dream of raising the next Albert Einstein (who also has been credited with slow language development) or at least seeing him grow into a pair of climbing boots, but also must work on today. With those dreams in mind, my happily ever after and I work towards age-appropriate communication.

I challenge you, in your journey, to take time to consider what your happily ever after may look like. I challenge you to look forward to it, and meet the challenges head on. Do not get frustrated with road blocks, but overcome them.

Foster Care Goals: Adoption

The final goal is adoption by either the foster parents or a general applicant. IF the parents cannot be reunited with or there are no appropriate relatives, then the child will be placed for adoption with the current foster parents being given priority. This only happens after all other options have been exhausted. This is not a situation to place your hope in. More often than not, you will be sorely disappointed.

In our state this is begun with the foster parent applying for “Current Caretaker” status. This gives you an equality with relatives and places you above general applicants. They view your attachment to said child as being valuable and valid. In some states this status is “gifted” after you have had the child in your home for 6 or 12 months (depending on the state's statute. DISCLAIMER, I am not a lawyer or an expert on your state's laws, educate yourself or contact a lawyer to help you through this). In my current state of residence, it must be applied for. My recommendation would be to not take NO for an answer. Fight for this child as if they are your blood. If you do not, you may second guess that decision for years to come. 

The latter option is a general applicant adoption. In these instances the children's parent's rights have been (or will be) terminated. There are no relatives who are certifiable who have an interest in the child. Lastly, the foster parents do not desire to adopt the child (this maybe because they do not feel called to adopt, there are WONDERFUL FOSTER FAMILIES whose calling is just to be foster families).

Our son was a general applicant adoption. He was published in "the book" for applications from all over to be placed for him. In our instance we were blessed because we had a “significant relationship” with him. Therefore we had an advantage over others applying for him. Our circumstance is rare, it happens infrequently, and honestly is by the very definition, a miracle!

Today I saw a photo shared on WACAP's Facebook page. They quote that 30% of Americans have considered adoption...2% of Americans have actually adopted. There are over 115K kids available for adoption in the United States alone. We all have to start somewhere. Where is your miracle? I know that our son will not be our last child that we adopt. I know that we will adopt again. We are praying that it will happen sooner than later. But we all have to take that first scary step...will you?

P.S. Grab a tissue, this video from the Dave Thomas Foundation will bring tears to your eyes. I'll tell you there is nothing more amazing that the day you meet your child. 

He's Mine

I am a bit behind on this post, but here it is...Three years have gone by since we got that beautiful phone call letting us know that we were selected to be our son's FOREVER FAMILY. I won't lie and say its been all gum drops, jolly ranchers, and laffy taffy. We (like bio-families) have had our ups and downs. I was informed today, while receiving some sass from my son, that my husband doesn't know "WHERE he gets that from." I think he was being sarcastic, but I know where and even though it drives me CRAZY when he gets sassy with me...I can't be prouder of him.
You see, I am a strong-willed individual. I am a fighter, a prayer, and learning to be a "give it up to God"-er. I realize more and more each day that my little sponge is learning from me. The good and the bad. He says some of the same one-liners that I do ("ARE YOU KIDDING ME?"). He stomps his feet and gives me the same looks that I give him. He is also loving and nurturing. When I cry, he runs for the tissues and climbs into my lap. He asks what is wrong, and kisses my cheeks.
I am blessed beyond measure to have him. WE are blessed to have him. He is becoming a bit of each of us and I am proud. We (our son and I, slowly we are converting my husband) are country music fans. I love Rodney Atkins songs, mostly because they speak to me and remind me of who I am and where I came from. (Farmer's Daughter?) One of OUR favorites is "He's Mine" it was my ring tone for a while, and I think it might be time to use it again. I know its written to be about a Dad being proud of his son, but when it plays I sing it to our son. Because he is MINE. He acts just like me. He's stubborn. He's witty. He's sensitive. HE'S MINE.

If you haven't heard the song, check it out HERE.

Also, have you seen the new ad campaign put out by the Dave Thomas Foundation for adopting foster children? Please watch it. I promise it will move you, but grab some tissues before you click HERE.

Bitter Sweet Words

I have been dealing with a lot of heartache lately over not being able to provide a sibling for our son (4 1/2). He has asked, like most kids his age, for a brother or a sister. For some families this is no big deal, you talk about it, try (or don't), and give an answer. Obviously, you don't give the GRAPHIC answer, however I think many kids his age would get the where do babies come from talk, knowing our son he wouldn't. As parents who are infertile, its not an easy answer. We could try to adopt again, however at this point in our lives we have been told that is not an avenue we can go down with out some living arrangement changes. Even with the most basic of changes, it would be difficult. We could try to conceive on our own, which is always an option, however at this point not an affordable one.

Lately, my heartache has been exasperated by five little words. "Will you play with me?" They are bitter sweet. Sweet because he still wants me around! However, our child is lonely. He asks my husband and myself regularly to get down on his level and play with him. Whether it is Lincoln Logs, Thomas, GI Joe's, or just a simple sword fight (thank you He-Man and Peter Pan), he is looking for a playmate. Some of you are saying, "Take advantage of this! And we do, however we also know that at some point (and on some level currently) he wants someone he can relate to. Someone who gets him. Someone who can play make-believe and REALLY get into it. Someone who isn't jaded with the stress of being an adult on their shoulder.

Our son is looking for his Peter Pan. His playmate, someone who hasn't grown up yet. Won't grow up for some time. Who can invent imaginary worlds with green tigers who change into Battle Cats. Who can see the swing-set as a castle to defend. Where rugs are islands in an ocean filled with sharks or a river of lava. This is my desire for him too. I DO CHERISH every moment of snuggles, playing, and learning with him. But I know in some ways I am not enough.

I have also watched him play this past week with cousins and friends. My son has no concept of sharing. See what you want and take it is his idea of sharing. Taking turns is foreign to him. This is another way that I would love to bless him. I want him to grow into that person who understands how to share. I don't want him to be selfish. I don't want him to struggle with having a roommate in college, or sharing an apartment.

To be honest, I also want a second best friend for me. Our son is my best friend. He is my day in and day out, but the joy of having a second child to love and cherish...I've had it before, and I miss it. I know someday we will have another, at least I PRAY that we do. For our son's sake I pray it is sooner than later. He deserves a best friend who can keep up with him.  

Foster-Care Goals: Relative Placement

Another goal is placement with relatives. Most offices strive to do this early in the process. Often they do what is called an "emergency certification" to place the child with a relative instead of with a foster family. If the emergency certification cannot be done the same day, the child is placed temporarily with a foster family to be moved within a week or two. These are the most successful relative placements, with the least amount of impact on the child.

What makes relative placements difficult and sometimes time consuming, is the fact that DHS relies heavily on the parents to make a list of potential relatives. If the parents cooperate, this can move swiftly. However, often a parent (or parents) do not want to cooperate in any way, or they only list those that can be beneficial to themselves (relatives they like or believe will be on their side through the process). Some states will use this initial list and dig deeper. They will ask each person on the list if they are uninterested in being a resource if they know of anyone else who maybe interested, thus creating a larger list. There are also states which will go as far as the list and if no suitable relative can be found from that list, call it quits. 

Studies show that relative placements are typically the least disruptive of foster placements. I agree with this statement to an extent. My only complaint is that often this avenue has in the past not been addressed until late in the process. To be truly in the child's best interest the placement needs to happen swiftly and early on. It also needs to take place with a relative that the child is familiar with. Too often I have observed or heard of children after a year or more being moved to a relative that they had little or no contact with prior to the move. This results in the child being confused and traumatized by the move. 

The most successful placements (late in the case) are those in which there have been efforts made for regular visits. I am not saying others cannot or have not been successful, but to ensure it will be easier on the child make the time to visit. Give the child an opportunity to get comfortable with you and your home and know that they will grieve their prior placement. 

Building a Family

When we began this journey we had been told that we would be better candidates for adoption once we became foster parents. Which we did, then we were blessed to adopt our son because of our foster parent certification and our existing relationship with him as his respite care providers. What we didn't realize was that with my husband's recent career change (shortly after we adopted our son), we would be traveling all over the Northwest. It is that lifestyle that has made it harder to adopt other children.
Currently our goal is to spend three weeks per month as a family on the road. Then one week apart, meaning my husband stays to work, and we go home to visit family and friends. In discussing this arrangement with our Adoptive Certifier, we have been told that since they cannot visit us on the road, we cannot adopt.
Our alternative is to spend the majority of every month at home, and "visit" Daddy on the road. Even this will pose a problem as I have been informed that our situation is just "weird" and out of the norm. So when a committee looks at us, they will see a "broken family". Their goal will be to place a child with a "complete family" and so a two-parent living in the same city/county/state family will be more appealing to them.
I have to admit, this is heartbreaking for us. Especially as our son seems to be obsessed with babies. He gets excited when he sees them, and asks all about them. We know our God is bigger than DHS, and we pray and wait for his perfect plan.

Yes, our son has a chocolate milk mustache. ;) Adds to the character of the photo. 

A Day of Highs and Lows

 March 1, 2010 was a rather emotional day for us. This was the day that we got our call confirming that we would be adopting our son. That he would be joining us forever in a matter of days (technically a week). We finally got our gift. The child that we desired for so long. We were going to be a FOREVER FAMILY. See this was the high of the day. The ray of sunshine on a day that was also filled with grief.
 As I have mentioned, we have LOVED every child that has been in our home. This was also the day we said good-bye to our first foster baby. He left our home to be reunited with a relative. A couple who truly love him. A couple who cares for him 100% and gives him everything a little boy needs.
 We packed him into the agency van and said good-bye. I wish we had done this differently. We should have taken him to the office ourselves, met his family, shared with them face-to-face, and said our good-byes. Instead a van came to our home, we loaded his belongings, placed him in a car seat, and kissed him good-bye. I had already e-mailed them his schedule, his likes/dislikes, and the signs he used to communicate with us so that they would be prepared for his arrival. What I wasn't prepared for was his face. I will never forget his face as he realized all his belongings were with him in that van. The look of confusion and hurt. I couldn't handle being with him. I ran. I sobbed. I grieved the loss of him.
  As much as I resent the agency for screwing up what should have been the most joyful moment of my life, I am also thankful. As I mentioned our son came home within a few days (we had a planned "respite" visit for him with us). I redecorated the nursery, set up a toddler bed (we agreed with his foster family to transition him to a bed during the transition to our home to make it less painful). We were able to essentially fill our home with our child and focus 100% on him. In hindsight, I see a blessing in disguise.
  I still miss our first baby. He is special and he is being raised by special people who share stories, updates, and photos with us. In turn, I share stories back about our son. Who is also special, and the best gift we've ever gotten.

A Letter to Our Son: Two Years

Dear Son,

Two years ago today, I received an amazing call. Our adoption worker called to tell me that our adoption had been finalized. You would be our son forever. I can't begin to tell you how happy this made us. See, we have dreamed of the day of having our own child for years, 10 years to be exact. To have someone to love, spoil, and leave a legacy behind to. I know we tell you this daily, but YOU are special.

Not going to lie, we have had our ups and downs. You are a "normal" toddler. You squeal, scream, and push buttons. You are hard-headed like your momma, and fearless like your daddy. The combination of the two is sometimes VERY scary. Like the time you tried to climb over the edge of the slide halfway down, and five feet in the air! Or the time you tried to go up the ladder, across the platform, and swing out over the slide all BACKWARDS! But we have survived.

We have succeeded at loving and spoiling you. I don't know many boys who have as many matchbox cars or Thomas Trains as you have. Don't get me started in on your collection of DVDs. But more than physical possessions, you are spoiled with love (if that is possible). You can climb into our laps at anytime. You get to talk to daddy uninterupted every night, and have a short-order cook at your disposal every day.

There are some things that we hope for you for the future. We hope that we as parents can guide you to be loving. You are naturally good-natured, and accepting of everyone, our prayer is that this never leaves you. We want you to be successful in whatever you do. Last week you told us that you want to be a dentist and last night you told us that you want to work on the wires with Daddy. Your love for building makes us think you might just do that, or be an engineer or carpenter. Whatever you do, we pray that you succeed and are happy. Lastly, we want you to love learning. Whether it is learning more about God, the world, your line of work, or your hobbies. Never quit thirsting for knowledge.

Two years has taught us so much. It has caused us to grow as a family. We cannot wait to see how you grow, who you become, and how you succeed. We know that there will be failures, we will be here for you, and love you no matter what. Our Dear Son, always remember, YOU are SPECIAL.

Love,

Momma and Daddy

I didn't give you the gift of life,

but in my heart I know.

The love I feel is deep and real,

as if it had been so.

For us to have each other,

is like a dream come true.

No, I didn't give you the gift of life,

life gave me the gift of you.

-Author Unknown

Being A Foster/Adoptive Mommy: Transitions

While being a foster parent, we had five children come and go as temporary placements. I can tell you now, that we made mistakes. We also learned from those mistakes. I mentioned before having a placement come the night before leaving for a family visit. In hind sight, we were blessed to have a baby that was so "go with the flow". Now I know to take a day or two with a child to adjust to their new surroundings.

This means cancelling scheduled trips, appointments, and staying home. This first baby was plunged into my extended family, but he held tight to the only stability he knew at that moment, my husband and I. He refused to sit on others laps if either of us walked in the room. He cried when we left. I should have noticed these things then, but I will say it aloud, I was inexperienced.

The next child had more one on one time with me, however she was an emotional wreck when I left her with my husband while I went to work two nights later. She didn't take to my husband for several days and wouldn't let him near her if I was not home. I took the rest of the week off after I realized this. Within a few weeks, I left my job all together. In part because these babies needed me more than I needed work.

By the third child, I learned that it was imperative that I give the child time to adjust and adapt. We had a play date scheduled that day, and I chose to stay home so that she wasn't jerked about. This was the easiest transition by far. I am sure her personality had something to do with it, but I also know it was because she had time to adjust.

If you chose to foster or adopt, be sure that you take the time off to help the child adjust to your home. Help them adjust to you and let them grieve whatever they have left behind, even if you feel that this is a better situation. That was their stability and this whole process is scary for them. 

Adoption, Not Just Babies

I apologize for the delay in posting, we as a family are in transition. I read this article today and HAD to share. As you probably already know, I am a BIG ADVOCATE for adoption. There are no words to describe the beauty of it. I realize that not all people want to adopt babies. I have a friend who doesn't want to be awakened at night or deal with diapers. For those people adoption of an older child, namely from Foster Care is a perfect option.
But what happens after adoption, really of any child, is just as important to prepare for as what happens before thy come home. My husband and I are emotionally prepared (as best as we can be) for our child to act out, if he does. We recognize that adoption comes with some challenges. Such as abandonement, development, and even memories of prior abuse. We shouldn't be scared away from loving kids by these things, instead we should prepare for them.
Educate yourself. Seek professional help. Find a support group. These are things that will help your adoption to be successful!
NPR.org » Helping Foster Kids Even After Adoption