I regularly think of things to post, and then immediately think of how that post will come across to someone else. In doing so, I have learned to remind myself that this is our story. This Blog is here to not only help others understand what their friends and family are experiencing (and what we've experienced), but to help those who are traveling a similar road to know that they are not alone. That there are others who have lived through or with their same feelings, thoughts, and experiences. That being said, there is one common statement that I have heard (and even said, okay SCREAMED) a lot over the years from others who have struggled with infertility is the "Why them? Why not me" questions.
Its something that has crossed all of our minds. Why are people who are addicted to drugs or appear to be fornicating to increase their government assistance check able to continue to have baby after baby? Why not me? Why not US? Why not the nice couple who have a nice corner lot in suberbia? Why not...?
I wish I had the answers. I still find myself asking this question, especially as my husband and I continue to be involved in the foster-care community. It never does get easier to see those that I believe are unfit parents walking down the street SCREAMING at their child as they drag them behind them, or walking out of the Childwelfare building large, pregnant, and high. What I have to do is remind myself through GRITTED TEETH, that I don't see the big picture. There is a purpose in everything.
I also have to repeat to myself what I consider my life verse...
Isaiah 54:1-3a (MSG)
"Sing, barren woman, who has never had a baby. Fill the air with song, you who've never experienced childbirth! You're ending up with far more children than all those childbearing women." God says so! "Clear lots of ground for your tents! Make your tents large. Spread out! Think big! Use plenty of rope, drive the tent pegs deep. You're going to need lots of elbow room for your growing family.
This gives me comfort. At this point in my life (with out medical intervention), I am not going to carry a child. I am the "barren woman". But I can't stop there, I can't feel bad for myself or focus on bitterness towards those who can conceive. I must focus on rejoicing in what I have. I must prepare my home for my "growing family". Wallowing in self-pity gets me no-where and helps nothing. I chose to act.
I have told you before that I don't expect you to act the same way that I do. I don't expect everyone to be comfortable in fostering or adoption. Neither act is 100% comfortable all the time, but if I could be permitted to give you advice find something to pour yourself into. I have wallowed, I have been nearly catatonic, neither benefits me, my spouse, or anyone else. Act.
Thanks for sharing. We have been trying for almost three years. I the mean time we have become great aunt and uncle six times. Our young, uneducated nieces and nephews are procreating left and right. We thought we would "do it the right way," and wait until we were financially and emotionally ready. I guess the joke is on us.
ReplyDeleteWe have both been tested. For the first time last month my progesterone levels came in low. The doctor put me on hormones and I have felt like a crazy person. I know it's worth the sacrifice, but it sucks. I cry at a moments notice and take it out on my hubby. I don't mean to, really. Hopefully it doesn't take too long...
My heart breaks to read this, because I know that I have been there. You aren't alone...and you aren't the first to think the "joke is on" you. Praying for answers and for your own little one to love.
DeleteThank you. It is nice to know we are not alone in this, for lack of a better word, battle. I know we are not the first, or the last, but it can feel very isolating. Especially when everyone around you keeps asking, "Are you pregnant,yet?" Sometimes I just want to scream at them all.
DeleteNo, you are not alone. And this is a battle...but in the end, no matter how you build your family, you will treasure life like no other.
DeleteAs for screaming...I encourage you to do so. No, not in their face, or in public. But vent somewhere in private. Journal, speak with someone who knows you, pray, and cry. Someone close to me told me last week that this blog will help me to heal, while I don't feel like that is what is taking place right now, I am open to it in time.
I know so many of my closest friends and a sister in law who are all struggling with infertility. as I have walked beside them through their journeys I have asked this question, "why that person and not my friend/sister?" It is very frustrating. I can relate. I am proud of you for writing this blog. It is so honest. I know you will help others through this....one person at a time. I just discovered this blog today. I will be sharing it with those who need to hear your story and share theirs. Thank you. ---Lindsey
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading and sharing. My prayer is that through my honesty, others can know that they aren't alone. We all have these thoughts and feelings. They are normal, what we do from here is our greatest success.
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